I’m a phony….
The events of the summer served to rock me to the very core of my beliefs & convictions & I couldn’t seem to shake the thought – I’m a phony.
Pain, panic attacks, sleeplessness & an ever-lengthening list of disappointments were laying claim to my faith and ravaging my peace. On more nights than I can count I would struggle against waves of panic & fear – I’d just begin to get a grip & another wave would overwhelm me. My prayers became a mantra… “Please God, please Jesus – I need your peace, please, please, take away my pain & fears”. Many mornings I would still be up to greet the sun & my dad. Day after day he would listen to my account of the night & my wakeful nightmares. He would encourage me to “give it to God” & ask Him to take away the fears. It was meant to encourage me, but in those dark days it only fostered my frustration – I was praying, what was wrong with me, my prayers weren’t working.
Real thoughts, real feelings – but with those thoughts came an intense guilt. “I am such a phony”.
I grew up in a Christian home. Bible stories, bedtime prayers, Sunday school & church attendance – but at the age of five while attending bible school an elderly missionary shared with a packed audience of squirming crowd of me & my peers about sin. I don’t remember ever really thinking of myself as a sinner – I’m sure my parents were wholly aware of my sinful status, but it was this day that the revelation really became clear to me. I was a sinner & it was only by God’s grace & love that I could be saved from my sins – through the blood of His only son’s death (and resurrection) that I could be saved. I remember the missionary sharing how we could have Jesus in our hearts—I prayed in the quiet of my heart to invite Jesus into my heart. What excitement I felt, as if I hadn’t really started living until that very moment.
In the years since, I’ve had two other times of rededication & commitment to serving my Heavenly Father.
So why was I having such a hard time keeping my head above water now? I had been so sincere in my prayers about wanting God to use me, no matter the circumstances. During the summer months I depended heavily on the prayers of others, at times questioning if my own prayers would be worthy of God’s time or attention.
It’s not pretty is it? Memories of these dark days still make me cringe. I remember blogging just the facts & in the last post I focused on my blessings. It was all the truth, but beneath the surface lay an abyss of turmoil.
I’m not writing about it now to elicit pity or even for the shock factor. In fact, my pride would rather avoid this emotional undressing. So, what gives, you say? I’m breaking my silence, to share what God has done in my life through this incredibly trying time. The slowness to which I have realized God’s workings in my life & answered prayers could be a testament to my denseness – did I hear an “Amen”?Romans 5:3-5 says ‘but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
Based on these verses, I am quite convinced that my character is solidified – lol.
As my kidney was failing – my desire was (and still is) to honor God in my illness & give Him all the glory. I prayed for patience… I feel it’s important to interject here – be sincere in your prayers & count the cost before you pray. What I really wanted was a modicum of patience, but a FAST resolution to all the hassles kidney failure brought with it. There’s a children’s song whose lyrics speak to this – “I just gotta have patience, ‘cause patience is a wonderful thing, hurry up, gotta have it, I want it more than anything – this has taken long enough, give me some of that patience stuff…” Yep, my prayer, though I though it to be pure, was fraught with exceptions & a very impatient expiration date.
None of these accounts are very glowing in there Christian example, but what I’ve learned along the way I think is worth passing along.
God is constant – yesterday, today & tomorrow, He never changes. His promises are true & legit. On those days when I was so mired in pain, self-doubt & disappointments – God was still with me. When I didn’t have the words to pray, I was lifted up on the prayers of so many friends, family & strangers. When I didn’t have the energy to read my Bible – again God was there to remind me of His promises through notes of encouragement & my parents stepped in, faithfully reading to me. The love showered upon me by so many was a testament of God’s unwavering love for me. It’s been a very long summer, and in spite of my unsteadiness – God has been constant. My prayer life & Bible reading have blossomed & found renewed vigor & joy – and the greatest gift of late is an unearthly peace. It continues to humble & astound me, this peace. My situation hasn’t changed, I still have rough days – I still rely on dialysis to maintain my health & am constantly reminded of life’s fragility – so many of my plans & expectations have been stripped away – but Christ is my constant. The stripping has been painful – physically, emotionally…. But its when all is stripped way – health, employment, etc…. that there’s room to view God’s blessings.
Through all that has happened I have been humbled by God’s provision in my life. My faith has been strengthened & I am learning what it truly means to step out in faith. I’m still human, miserably so at times, but I am so excited about the work Christ is doing in my life! Maybe you, too, have struggles. Maybe you’re drowing in doubts or fears, maybe both. Grab on to the one & only LIFE PRESERVER. Christ can bring you through the hurt that is bringing you down. Having a relationship with Him doesn’t make life all gum drops & lollypops, but it is a life worth living because He walks with you! If you don’t know Jesus today, you can. Jesus died, so that you could have everlasting life in Heaven. John 3:16 says that God loved you so much that He sacrificed His only son, just so we could have an eternity with Him. All you have to do is acknowledge your sin & His sacrifice & ask Him into your heart – I promise you – you’ll never be the same (and that’s a good thing). IT's not my intention to be preachy, but this is too important not to share! If you wnat to know more, please don't hesitate to holler at me.
~V
