I’ve been pretty quiet on the transplant update front and I’ve
been even less of a presence in the blogging world; but today marks the 6 month
anniversary of receiving my new kidney. Which seems as good a time as any to
post an update.
When the surging adrenaline from anxiety and excitement
began to fade following my transplant and my condition stabilized to the point
of being boring (doctor’s words, not mine), I fell into a routine – my own new
normal. A complacency of sorts. Oh, don’t
get me wrong, I’m still awed by God’s timing, faithfulness and care. I’m inexpressibly grateful for His merciful
and miraculous gift of a ‘new & improved me’ (new kidney, improved health);
and each time I baulk at a transplant-related restriction, take my pills or wait
for the results of my lab work I’m reminded of the great responsibility of
stewardship I have for my life and the life of my new kidney which came as a
result of another’s life being snuffed out – even in the midst of ‘mundane’
that’s a weighty realization.
From the outside the
physical evidence of my miracle is merely reflected in my face… the kind of
face a mother chipmunk could love. Aside
from that I suppose I look normal, healthy even (or so people tell me – the healthy
part, not the normal…).
My inward complacency began manifesting itself as a result of
my own loss of focus. I’ve felt a little
like I did in college – wanting desperately to have clear understanding of what
I was supposed to do with my life – and then do it. If you ask my parents about my first year of
college they might be too nice to say I drove them batty with new weekly
intentions for declaring a new major.
When my advanced math & science tutors politely encouraged me to not
continue on my pre-med course of action – I suggested such possibilities as
Physical Therapy, Graphic Design, English Lit, Theatre Arts & Photography. There’s a lot of pressure in trying to make
such a weighty decision that can chart your life’s course for, well, life.
And though I’m no longer agonizing over career paths in in
drama (I think I’ve had my fill), photography and graphic design (what color is
that & which way is up) I am once again wondering what God would have me do
with my life. My original plan was: 1) get
a kidney, 2) Recover quickly, and 3) Find a job and return to the
workforce. I’ve successfully completed
step 1 – for which I can take absolutely no credit – all that goes to Christ. But
as for steps 2 & 3 – they are bit more complex.
My physical recovery (in terms of surgical incision) is
complete. I have more energy &
stamina (though I still find myself frustrated by tiring out sooner than I’d
like) & I’ve become more involved with some of the things I had to give up
when I went on dialysis. It might go without saying, but it’s been a tremendous
blessing. So, while I’ve mulled over
ideas of what I’m supposed to be ‘when I grow up’, I’m sure others have wondered
the same thing. Some inquiries have been
subtle, others more forthright, and a few outright inquiries as to my
professional ambition or assuming I’ve already returned to work. Strangely
enough (and all to God’s credit) I haven’t freaked out to the same degree I did
in college. I’m still searching for what path Christ is charting for me – and the
unknown of it doesn’t feel like a chasm, but a gift.
This year marks my 10 year college graduation – when I made
my 10 year plan, it didn’t include losing my vision, my kidney or my job, but
it also didn’t include gaining new insight into the character of God, my own
personal character *wince* flaws or gaining all the incredible blessings along
the way. Mundane is dangerous – I’m
guilty of coasting – being content to rest on the lessons I’ve learned during life’s
storms. But for those of you who know water – you know that stagnant pools
stink! I’ve been reminded of this in
the last month when my calm waters got churned up.
In November I got results back from a donor specific
antibody (DSA) test – to put it simply, the memory markers on my donor kidney,
which had been suppressed with massive doses of oral & IV immune suppressants
were starting to baulk at being squelched (picture, if you will ‘Whack-A-Mole’ –
antibodies are the moles, drugs are the mallets) – Without adequate
suppression, my body could recognize the kidney as foreign and attack – not a
shiny, happy scenario. Thankfully, there
is a fairly new (and considered somewhat experimental) treatment option – IVIG
infusions. Since November my kidney function
has remained stable (thank you Jesus!).
This last week I returned to my transplant center to retest the DSA
levels. Though they still were positive
for antibody/cell memory/ ‘pesky moles’, they were lower – a very big
blessing. So the last days I’ve been on
an all-out ‘whack-a-mole’ conquest; spending my days in an outpatient infusion
center for 6+ hour increments while I received this blessed treatment – with not-so-blessed
side effects. They call it serum
sickness, but it really just feels like you’ve acquired flu-like headaches and body
aches, PMS-like mood-swings and weepiness and a wicked case of the munchies (thank
you solumedrol). And while that
description is highly accurate & tinged with a modicum of whininess – It’s
in these moments of fragility, when my axis is a little off kilter that I’m
reminded of how very much I need my Savior.
I don’t particularly like the waters being stirred up, but I am so
thankful that my Heavenly Father knows me so well and isn’t content for me to rest
on my past spiritual growth or to grow complacent in my personal relationship
with Him – He wants more for me and from me – it’s daunting and it’s humbling. Humbling to know how very wayward I am and
humbling to know that in spite of that God still loves me and desires for my deep
fellowship with Him.
I’m not sure how God will continue to use the events of the
past 4 years to shape my path to come, but I’m certain I could never have
sketched out such a unique, painful, blessed, lesson-filled, God-inspired journey
10 years ago and look how well Christ orchestrated it all! So I have to believe
that the same holds true for however many more adventures God has planned for
my future. I know I’ll continue to trip
on my own desire for control, impatience and my ever-present desire to plan
(yes, I’m a list maker – love those post-its), but with God’s help, each time I trip, He’ll help me back up and
each time I’ll relinquish more of me for more of Him. Case in point – this last trip to the
transplant doctor opened my eyes to some of my unrealistic expectations. My doctor explained to me that I’m one of 17
(16 successful) transplant recipients from their center receiving desensitization
therapy. Years ago, before this new
science, I wouldn’t have this kidney. It
truly is a remarkable gift and blessing that Christ placed in my life. But because of the nature of antibodies, cell
memory and other really technical stuff (to which the doctor eluded I wouldn’t
understand – can’t imagine my ‘whack-a-mole’ analogy would change that opinion),
along with my highly suppressed immune system (hence my germ-a-phobic
tendencies, endless supply of antibacterial products and hair-trigger reaction
to sneezes and coughs) God’s plan for my future may be far different from my
expectations.
The one thought I can’t get out of my head is that God has a
purpose for my life – He’s used the past events to allow me to share with
others of God’s faithfulness in the midst of struggles and joy. He’s allowed me to share my story publicly,
but within the span of days/weeks of sharing how God had brought me through
such valleys to place me on a mountaintop of blessings – these hiccups have
popped up. First in November and again
as I prepare to share my testimony with another group. I can’t help but believe that its not a
coincidence. Life doesn’t stop when the
story gets good – it ebbs and flows and in my experience, it’s the hard work
getting to the blessed hilltops that yield the most blessings, lessons and
communion with Christ. I find a lot of
excitement (and occasional trepidation) at knowing that God’s not done with me
yet!
BTW: It is highly possible that some of my steroidal whininess (yes I'm sure its all steroid-induced) came through- much more than intended. While serum sickness is the pits - I'm so absolutely thankful for a healthy working kidney and the availability of treatments that make its continued health possible - so please disreguard any invites you may have received to a pity party - it's officially cancelled. To God Be the Glory for the Great Things He Has Done (and is doing)!! ;D
