“May the odds be ever in your favor.”
0-2% probability…
I’m no statistician, but even I know that odds that fall
within the zero to two percent bracket definitely aren’t in my favor. I certainly wouldn’t bet the farm on it! But,
let’s see, I’m more of a visual person (yeah, I know – ironic right?) so let’s
just call that probability – slim to none. Like trying to squeeze into a
spandex body suit two sizes too small…..on a hot and humid day – there’s a
sliver hope, but in the end both that and your dignity will be damp and disappointed.
My probability of receiving a viable kidney transplant fell
within those grim parameters. My chances of not
getting a kidney were about as sure as a flip-flop clad cowboy walking
through a feed lot going home with ‘green mud’ between his toes. No, my
friends, the odds were certainly not in
my favor. That’s what makes it so utterly spine-tingling, happy-dance-inducing
amazing that this weekend I celebrated a statistician’s nightmare – being a statistical
outlier. Through Christ’s miraculous, wonder-working power I’ve been blessed with
a healthy kidney for 2 years.
Let me break that down for you. That’s 733 days with a wondrously healthy
kidney! And while I’m no longer winning awards for best road-tripper; more
frequent bathroom breaks are a weird blessing in themselves. It means I’ve been dialysis free for 104.5
weeks. That’s nearly 1000 dialysis-free hours of life I’ve lived in the last 2
years!
And that’s just what I’ve done – Lived!
I’ve spent the last two years doing things I’ve never done
before or have been unable to do. Experiencing life through the lens of renewed
health and energy. I’ve traveled beyond my 2-day dialysis weekend reprieves and
taken ample bathroom breaks along the way (why yes, I have peed today)!
I’ve spent precious
travel-time in cars, trains, planes, subways and boats with some of my favorite
people. I’ve climbed a trail in the Teton Mountain National Park (don’t ask to
see a picture, just take this blind-girl’s word for it – it was super high) and
then nearly stayed there…. *cough* to take in the breathtaking beauty from such
great ‘heights’ (hey I’m short and from Kansas – height is subjective). I danced and sang with my nieces with energy
to spare and no longer require maintenance naps to function (though I’m still
very much pro-siesta. And this summer,
especially, has been filled with a number of firsts for me – first overseas
travel without a directionally savvy travel buddy (yay for mom’s determination
& friendly locals), first demolition derby, minor & major league
baseball games, and first time caddying for a friend golfing. Okay, so maybe it was my first time on a golf
course that didn’t sport the title Mini in
it, and maybe I only made it three holes before I gave up on turning pro caddy –
in my defense, nowhere in the Caddying for Dummies guide did it warn me the
clubs would be as tall as me.
I’ve been rain-soaked while standing beneath the Eiffel tower,
held hands with an aged suit of armor, looked for Nessie in Loch Ness, hugged
an Aussie, and braved winding stone-stairways in dark castle corridors (who
needs to seek sky-diving thrills when you can walk blindly down a slippery,
narrow staircase with no hand rails?). I’ve
eaten ice cream from a vending machine (oh yeah, there is such a wonder) and
tried a French delicacy better left in the garden (blech!).
But my joy doesn’t hinge upon excursions, cute waiters with
accents and adventuresome food odysseys. Some of my biggest blessings rest
within the daily activities I can once more accomplish – teaching Sunday
school, leading worship, not having to cancel plans because of adverse
reactions to dialysis, sleeping through the night or going to Wal-Mart without
worrying my fistula will bleed or fearing I’ll pass out if I stand to quickly
after kneeling down to tie my shoes. It sounds redundant and it’s hardly an
adequate description of the weighty magnitude this kidney’s had on my last 733
days, but I am indeed blessed!
I want to tell you that I never take this second gift of
life for granted, that I seize each opportunity to serve the Lord with joy
& purpose; that I treat each moment with the fragility, wonder and care it
deserves, that I have unshakeable trust in my miracle-working God and that I’m
no longer afraid of the uncertainties this life holds. Oh, how I want to tell you
that – but I can’t. Even after listing all
the wondrous perks that accompany this gift of life that came in the form of a precious
spare-part I still lapse into forgetfulness. To quote Dory, it seems ‘I suffer
from short term remembery loss.’
Don’t get me wrong. I relish the blessing of health and
restoration that God brought about in the form of a new kidney! It still gives
me chills when I think of the events He orchestrated to lead me to this place;
but I’m also guilty of falling back into old habits and insecurities – busyness
and distractedness which pull me away from time with the Lord, impatience, a
desire to control my world (and sometimes those who come within my ‘orbit’),
complacency, anxiety and fear, just to name a few. It seems I’ve had some prime opportunities to
hone these skills over the past decade and yet…. Hmm, not a pretty picture is it? Almost makes
you wish for that spandex analogy doesn’t it?
So, where am I going with all of this? Well, they say
confession is nine-tenths of the law…. Or is that good for the soul? Yep, that’s
it! What I’m getting at is this – for so long I looked at a transplant as my
happy ending. But I had it all wrong –
my gift of renewed health isn’t the end of my story, but merely an exciting new
chapter, yet to unfold, but not unforeseen.
Having a healthy kidney doesn’t mean I have it all together
(did I hear an Amen?). Somehow, subconsciously
I had this false notion that a healthy kidney would make everything better. But
I still have the same propensity for tripping over wet floor signs and
introducing myself to people I’ve known my whole life. I still have bad days – sometimes beyond my
control, like side-effects secondary to my transplant and other times, self-inflicted
(no matter what people say, gummy bears do not make a bruised ego better – it
just prolongs the misery - when they’re gone the bruising’s no better and now
you have a belly ache to boot).
By giving me a new chapter, Christ’s given me more time (and
opportunities) to learn about His character and His faithfulness no matter the
circumstances. And while I am His workmanship, I am still (very much) a work in
progress - He’s working on my rough edges, chiseling away at my character flaws
that are contrary to His character so that I might better reflect Him through
my life.
I’m so grateful for the two years of health God has blessed
me with, but even more than that, I’m thankful for His patience in the midst of
my impatience, His gentle guidance when I’m stubbornly set on my own way, His
faithfulness and mercy when I’m so prone to wander and His perfect plan for my
good and His glory even when I’m so reluctant to release my controlling grip!
Thank you to all of you precious friends, family &
mighty prayer warriors and encouragers out there! Those of you who’ve traveled
this health journey with me and those who’ve introduced me to new experiences and accompanied me and my new kidney on big and small adventures! I’m grateful for how God has honored your prayers,
friendship, love & support to sustain me in the midst of both stormy and
calm seas!
