Catch Your Breath & Swallow Your Pride: Me vs. The Treadmill

As part of recent my work-up to qualify for transplantation I had to have a stress test (also known as a treadmill test).  The test began innocuously enough. Nursing staff, IV start, blood pressure cuff… but that’s where routine left the building.   

I should interject here that I’m a firm believer in being well-studied for tests, so I prepared for this one the best I could… Weeks before the test I quizzed every person I knew who’d had the test – the list of people was a sum total of….zero.  Apparently, I have very healthy friends. J But then my queries yielded a co-worker whose mother had completed a treadmill test.  The experience that had been told to her was dramatically re-told to me.  This woman, in her mid to late 70’s was a rock-star.  She just kept killin’ each intensity increase.  I had this image, of a calm, cool, collected – Super elderly woman, just passing the test like it was a walk in the park. Well, I may not be the most athletic, but surely I had youth on my side!  If Super-Grams could do it, I could do it better – bring it on!

Once I was harnassed to the heart leads and  BP cuff, I mounted the treadmill with confidence.  Each increment was 3 minutes in length and at the end of each, upon my approval, the machine would increase in speed and elevation.  As I voiced my understanding, the test began.  *Yawn* With the first increment underway, my enthusiasm and confidence mounted.  I congratulated myself, “Huh, I thought I was out of shape, but this is a breeze.” At the end of 3 minutes the tech asked me if I was ready for increased intensity. I perkily agreed.  With that the elevation and speed increased.  Again, I thought, “Man, what is all the fuss about?  I can go like this for hours, but its SOOO boring, hmmm I wonder what’s for supper.” As the 2^nd 3-min. phase neared completion – the question was put to me – was I ready for greater intensity?  “Oh, Yeah”  With that, my tread surface elevated to near 45 degrees and I began a spritely skip-walk.  “Okay, so this isn’t so fun, but, if Super-Gram could do it – I most definitely can!”  I played it cool, as I gripped the hand-hold white-knuckled.  Again, 3 minutes ended, but not nearly as fast this time.  Giving the go-ahead this time was a little more difficult as I bear-hugged the hand-hold to keep from sliding down the speeding conveyor.  I did my best to play it cool, I think I even smiled (you know that look dogs give you when their lips are stuck to their teeth?).  I was no longer bored, in fact, when I wasn’t imagining doing a face plant on the conveyor of death, I thought of air – and how nice it would be to have some….. As I tried to maintain my composure, I *gasp* let them *gasp* know that *gasp* needed OFF!!  I was then given the news that I had to go one more minute…. I believe this is how the test became known as a ‘stress’ test.  In that minute the tech cheered me on, all the while I imagine he was praying I wouldn’t let go and land in a sweaty heap atop him.   The test did finally come to an end and I tried to catch my breath and maintain a shred of my dignity.  The question was put to me “Did you stop because you were short of breath?” “No *gulp, gasp*”, I replied, “My *huff* legs hurt *sigh*”.

Okay, so what’s the point to my story?  Well, apart from revealing my less-than-stellar running ability… While I was regaling an “audience” with my dramatized version of my experience, I was searching for a lesson in it all.  And there it was, staring me in the face – Pride.  It’s a short little word, but so very tricky.  There’s a verse in the Bible that says ‘pride goes before the fall’.  In this instance, when I tried to one-up and saw my abilities as being superior to Super-Gram’s I was prideful and I most literally, nearly fell. 

My experience led me to look for Biblical examples of pride.  Two characters named Annanias & Sapphira, fit the bill.  In Acts 4 & 5 it talks about the new church coming together to help the less fortunate among them.  Upon selling their land or homes, generous members of the church body would donate the whole of their earnings to the church.  Though they gave without desiring recognition, I’m sure there was talk and whispers, “did you hear what a wonderful thing…”.  Annanias and Sapphira were a married couple that wanted their 15 minutes of fame too.  But they had a dilemma  … If they gave all the money to the church, they wouldn’t have the money.  So they devised a plan to give some of the money (okay, here’s the clincher…) and  tell the church it was the total profit. 

Here’s where pride entered the equation.  A & S wanted the glory, but were unwilling to part with all the riches.  There was no rule that they had to give all or any of the profits to the church – but they wanted to save face and be exalted by their peers.  Okay, so, pride not only ‘goes before the fall’, but in A&S’s case, it actually led to their final fall – death.

Though my pride didn’t lead to my death – it can lead to spiritual death.  When I begin to trust my own abilities and ‘run’ without God’s guidance – I wind up in one clumsy, sweaty heap.  

* Please Note:  No treadmill techs were injured during this test or upon its completion.

Warrior Upstaged by Tent Peg & Hammer-Wielding Woman

I can’t get this thought out of my mind… performing a task well with conditions, lacks the merit and rewards of performing the right task, obediently. 

Judges 4 describes the state of the Israelite nation.  They’ve become selfish, self-seeking and sinful.  Because of their sins,  God allows other nations to conquer and oppress them.  It is during one of these times that the judge Deborah is appointed by God to make the Israelites mindful of their sins and turn the nation back to God.  Deborah enlists the warrior Barak (not Obama) to lead the army against King Jabin’s armies and their squadron leader – Sisera. 

Here’s what I found so profound & self-applicable – Barak’s response to Deborah is to set forth his own conditions.  Judges 4:8 Barak said to her, "If you go with me, I will go; but if you don't go with me, I won't go."

So this Barak character – He’s one bad dude, right? Where he walks the ground thunders, when he talks, people listen & when he wages war…. He takes a girl!??!  It’s easy to pick on Barak, but the more I pondered this passage, the more I identified with this warrior.  His puny faith was evident when he took God’s command as a suggestion and shot back with a counter offer.  In our own lives it’s easy to hide our insecurities behind bravado – dig our heels in stubbornly in an effort to get God’s favor with the least amount of effort.

Not only must it make God sad, when we question His plan for our life, but we miss out on the best He had for us.  Take a look…

In Judges 4:9 Deborah responds to Barak’s bargaining …”I will go with you {Barak}. But because of the way you are going about this, the honor will not be yours, for the LORD will hand Sisera over to a woman."

The battle was won by Barak’s armies and not a single foe was left alive, except for Sisera – when he saw that the battle was a bust, he took off, seeking safety in the tent of Jael.  Sisera was exhausted and fell asleep in Jael’s tent.  While he was sleeping Jael hammered a tent peg through his temple – it might be obvious, but, Sisera died.  God had indeed given the honor of Sisera’s defeat/death to the woman Jael.

God has used this story to show me how His ways are always the best and He desires to bless us.  Too often my own insecurities, lack of faith and laziness cause me to think my own ways are better.  Following God half-heartedly or heeding His commands with a few exceptions is like leaving the house in my underwear – the actions’ “half” right, but everything about the end result is SO WRONG!

Following God’s commands when, where, and how He’s instructed – leads to a closer relationship with Him and God’s best for our lives.

Obeying God’s commands, but following our own specifications for accomplishing the task – Leads to heartache and you might just get shown up by a GIRL!

The life of a living donor

It was suggested that I explain a little about organ donation and the living-donor process (thanks Elizabeth) -- I appreciate the curiosity and desire for more info -- please don't hesitate to keep the questions coming.  Also, if its not too presumptious of me, I would ask that you share this site with anyone you think could benefit from this blog (i.e. a fellow renal failure pt. or just a curious person)  Thanks :)
Organ donation is becoming populationmore prevalent.  With the rise in co-morbidities (i.e. diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure, etc...) and an aging kidney failure is on the rise.  The following information is a compilation of my own first-hand knowledge and educational (reputable)websites.  I will do my best to link this page to them.

Organs for donation are procured from two types of donors -- deceased and living.  My own experience lends itself to living donation, so thtat's the info I'll supply.

What is living donation?

Living donation takes place when a living person donates an organ (or part of an organ) for transplantation to another person. The living donor can be a family member, such as a parent, child, brother or sister (living related donation).
Living donation can also come from someone who is emotionally related to the recipient, such as a good friend, spouse or an in-law (living unrelated donation).
In some cases, living donation may even be from a stranger, which is called nondirected donation.Living Donor Info

To the best of my understanding -- a living donor is the most preferred method of organ procurement.  As my surgeon explains it, a living donor organ is "perfect" -- the donor that passes the tests put forth and eventrually donates is in pristine health.  A deceased donated organ is less perfect, b/c it has had "lag" time -- time for procurement and transport and the donor's health history is not scrutinized at such a micro-level.
The first step for any interested person, pursuing the prospect of donating an organ is to fill out a multi-page health survey.  The questionnaire provides health providers a basic way to eliminate any questionable candidates.
What eliminates your cchances of being a donor?  A health history that includes diabetes, high blood pressure, an extremely elevated BMI (body mass index) (with no willingness to lose weight) or a BMI less than 18.
If you pass the initial question phase -- a blood test is obtained to establish the potenial donor and recipient.  I am B positive, other blood types include AB,A, and O.  The blood types that match with B+ include B+, O, and certain persons with A+.
If your blood type is a match to the recipient, more extensive blood work is done.  This tests for possible transferable illnesses (i.e. CMV, HIV, Hepatitis, etc...) and it also evaluates the antigen matches.  There are 6 antigens with the possibility of matching.  Since ten years ago, when I was first transplanted -- the use of antigen matching is largely overlooked -- I'm told that the worst antigen match (i.e. 1/6) from a living donor is better than the best antigen match
(i.e 6/6) from a deceased donor.
After all the lab work, if a person is still "in the running" they have some routine "preop" testing. Chest x-ray, EKG, and IVP (this is a test to evaluate the flow of urine  from kidneys to ureters to bladder -- it evaluates the anatomical structures and appropriate functioning).  Usually the results are aquired within 24 hours and the specific donor nurse coordinator will contact you with results.  After a surgeon makes the final analysis you will receive the news that you are either still a candidate, or you're results are incompatible with donating.
Unless, your anatomy cannot be clearly viewed with the previous tests -- one of the final tests includes a psychiatric evaluation and an MRI/MRA of the kidneys.
There is a lot of effort put forth by the transplant team (and mandated by government powers that be) to avoid even the appearance of coerscion (sp?).  The potential donor and recient are cared for by different staff members.  Privacy is maintained throuhout.  In fact, this has been a bit of a frustration to me -- b/c my nurse cannot tell me who has offered to donate, who's a match or any other pieces of info that would put pt. info in jeopardy.  The potential donor is welcome to share this info with the recipient if they are comfortable to do so.  One very nice thing about the anonymity, is that it lessens the pressure a potential donor may feel.  I, as the recipient will know only as much as you, the donor would choose to share.  The psych eval assesses the donor's mental status and evaluates their motivation for wanting to give such a large gift of themselves.
Finally, if you've passed all the above testing (which sounds like a lot, but actually most can be done within 2-3 visits) and still feel strongly about giving - you will meet with the transplant surgeon and nephrologist.  Then comes the actual procedure.  Most donors are able to have their kidney removed laparoscopically (3-4 tiny incisions) and the average donor is ready to return to normal activity within 2 weeks post-procedure.
Each donor will have a few follow-up appts.  b/c the donor's health is just as important as the recipients and is treated as so.
So thats the process.... its pretty straight forward on paper, but the whole process involves a myriad of emotions, time and testing.  On a personal note -- the bond my donor and I share is amazing -- It is overwhelming humbling of an experience to receive such a genuine, selfless gift of the donor's time and self.  It reminds me of the very first example of organ donation -- Jesus Christ offering each of us a new, clean heart with Him in residence.  I am wholly unworthy of that gift also, but I accept it with infinite gratitude, appreciation and humility!
One last important note:  An organ donor does not acrue any of the medical costs -- the recipient's insurance covers the testing, doctor visits, surgery and hospital stay.  The only cost to the donor is travel costs and the time off from work.
THanks for your interest --- being an organ donor isn't for everyone -- its something that should be cocnsidered with great care, taking into consideration your responsibilities, etc... But if this explanation has sparked your interest  I would be happy to supply you with more educational materials or links to credible websites. :)
-- V

Will the real Vanessa please stand up?

A hard look at what’s behind the mask...

Who am I?  Who have I become?  Who do I want to be?  Perhaps, these are all valid questions… I’ve always heard, “you are what you eat” and “show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are”.  Again, clever clichés…   So to sum this all up ….. yeah, I know, shallow questions, empty words. …Empty… that’s how it feels to be numb.  You, see, numbness is one piece of a very intricate mask I’ve been hiding behind.  Numbness softens the blow of undesirable news, it shields fragile pride and bolsters ego.  This defense, my defense, is impervious to pain…  Clever, isn’t it?  There’s only one flaw – a chink in my armor… Numbness dulls life’s many inconveniences, but it also squelches the many joys life offers.

I no longer am satisfied to bury, eat, or otherwise ignore my true feelings.  The cost is too great!

For me to take honest introspection I’ve had to allow the mask to fall away and begin the painful process of stripping away the façade.

I have to be honest, my initial response to this process is to turn away; I am so much more comfortable living half truths – sarcasm, humor, and candy-coating create more “marketable” news and mask my true feelings.

As I write this the first clarity and truth of the situation screams at me…  It sounds so very much like “I”.  I’ve misplaced my focus… Every question, statement and self-pitying sigh has led with “I”. 

The moment I lost my focus, I lost touch with what matters!  I bought the lies – “you have every right to feel sorry for yourself”, “sharing your feelings would only burden others”, “being self-sufficient is a gift you give, asking for help is weak”.  My heart breaks with sorrow and shame…. And the chink in my armor grows to a fault line.  I’ve been asking the wrong questions, but now I ask “Who is the woman GOD wants me to be?  How can God use my life for HIS glory?  How can I serve God with my life?

Praise God for His faithfulness!  In spite of myself He is faithful to draw me back to Himself and minister to my thirsty soul through His Word and the words of His children.

My previous posts have been genuine, I truly believe that I serve a risen Savior, who is the Great Physician and capable of healing me.  My desire has been to use my illness and life experiences to glorify God and encourage others.  I talked a good talk, but I’m realizing how very out-of-shape my walk has been. 

A message series based on putting God first caught my attention recently.  The scripture was from Matthew 6:25-32.  Jesus is questioning why we worry about things that He is so faithful in providing for even the birds off the air (food, clothes, etc…)  The point made was that when we worry we consciously place God in the back seat – letting our pride/ego tell us that we can handle things so much better.  WOW!  This spoke so powerfully to my heart.  By creating my shield of apathy – I was making the conscious decision that I could handle things better – A very, very big mistake and it’s very clear to me how wrong I was. 

Like my physical health, my spiritual health has been suffering, but I am choosing to place God in control of both aspects of my life – and I am striving to do my part to be a good steward of my physical and spiritual health.  Fatigue still clamors for a foothold, but I am claiming Isaiah 40:30-31, (“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall, but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, then will walk and not be faint”)  and trusting God for my endurance.  I am making a conscious effort to spend time reading His word, praying and looking for opportunities to place Him First.

So as I allow God to strip away my puny pretenses of armor, I will take shelter in the protection of His outstretched arms (Psalm 27:5 “For in the day of trouble He will keep me safe in His dwelling; He will hide me in the shelter of His tabernacle and set me high upon a rock..”).

One final thought…  I was reading a (very wise) friend’s blog recently and a snippet of her profile sparked my interest.  She described her life’s mission -- “to seek God with all my heart and find Him….”. God has used those heartfelt words to ignite a similar desire within my own heart.  But did you notice – here’s what God keeps so lovingly (but oh, so persistently) pointing out to me.  To know God comes from seeking – seeking implies an action…  I can no longer be content to rest on my head knowledge, or ride the “high” of a past relationship.  Its all or nothing – Nothing sucks; – literally, its void of the joy that comes from an intimate relationship with Christ.  I’m choosing Him, not blindly, on a tangent or a whim.  Immersing my whole heart into this relationship is scary, but I know that this relationship is worth all I have to give! 

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He will make your paths straight.

Note: I've been undecided about posting this entry from my journal -- Iike spandex, this post shows my flaws in a brutal light.  I'm not proud of my struggles -- my spiritual blunders aren't inspiring, but perhaps, you can relate.  It is my prayer that God will use my experiences and the example of His AWE-Mazing Grace & Mercy & forgiveness to encourage you and hopefully, help you to avoid some of the mistakes I've made.  God Bless You!

--V

Retro Post: August Health Update

I've been asked to give an update... to share what I know.... hmm that's a loaded statement I know :)  Alas, regardless of your thoughts on that.....
I'm learning a lot about myself and how I choose to live life.  I'm less tolerant of bull - the drama so often employed to skirt around issues and making assumptions about things that have abolutely no foundation.  That dance is way too exhasting and I'd rather spend my time and energy on things of substance and purpose.  I've also cut through some of my own inhibitions. Naturally shy, there have been numerous occasions when I've missed opportunities to lift someone up b/c I was afraid I'd appear silly.  I'm spending more time with family and making efforts to live withot regrets -- telling those dear to me, how precious they are. At the beginning of all this I decided that I would make it an opportunity to give God all the glory and to be purposeful through and in spite of my struggles.  I'm sorry to say that in recent weeks I've lost sight of that mission.  I've learned that fatigue leads to apathy and apathy leads to vulnerability. I have a real distaste for pity. But I've been doing a swell job feeling sorry for myself.  Maybe you noticed, like I did -- it's when I shifted my focus from God, to me that the trouble began.  I love a good party, but a pity party for one is a super waste of my time!  But, my God is oh, so AWE-Some and my freinds and family are so faithful in praying for me that I can rejoice along  with the Psalmist, and say " He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." (Psalm 40:2)
On the kidney front....not too much news... My kidney c   ontinues to fail at a rapid rate -- once again proving that I just don't play by the medical communities' rule book.  The more my kidney fails, the more I appreciate the healthy time I was blessed with.  I have good days and bad days -- today was a good day. (Thank you Jesus).  I am blessed to have super supportive family -- they put up with me, even on days I can't stand myself, and love me inspite of me!  My friends, church and work family are a rare blessing as they encourage me and help to alleviate some of my stress by shouldering some of my responsibilities.  Perhaps, one of the hardest things I've had to take a hiatus from is my Jr./Sr. Sunday School class.  But I am so thankful to know they are in good hands -- the Lord's and our Pastors :)
After this week I shold have a better idea of what the future holds for me.... I am hopeful a transplant is in my near future -- I long to be energetic, healthy and cheerful and I've found all these things to be more difficult when I don't feel good.  So, I hope I haven't been too much of a downer -- I guess I should put a warning in the title line.... When I strip away all the minor inconviences and health grievances I'm left with amazing insight and blessings!  Life is short, live it with purpose, live to love others and let Christ lead!

Donor "Pick-up Lines"!???

Maybe you noticed my postings this last week. Pretty innocuous, I know, but I wanted to be sure of my facts before I spilled the news. Disappointment has been my close companion this weekend… I was given the news that my kidney’s on it’s way out. Uh, what? Well, it means I need to start the workup for re-transplantation… I had a sense that this was coming… this past year has been rocky – one intervention followed by another. So when the docs stop talking intervention…. Yeah, I had an idea, but as long as the topic was unspoken I could assume the role of happy ignorance.
I’ve been wrestling with my feelings at this news. More than anything I struggle with the inconvenience & uncertainty of it all. Transplantation isn’t foreign to me – Since June 2000 I’ve proudly dealt in spare parts
The docs are really encouraging me to look for a living donor before they put me on the “list”. I shared this with my mom – who was skeptical… Apparently she wonders how I plan to ask someone for a kidney, when I dislike asking for a ride… Hmm, she has a point… So, I’ve come up with a few ideas (plus a few suggestions from friends )

1. The comedic approach: To my facebook friends --- So – just how good of a friend are you???
2. My Pastor’s suggestion – Give ‘em an option (Win Win): Hey can I get a ride or maybe a kidney? Which ever works better for you…
3. The Educational Approach: Hey did you know that this month is organ donor awareness month? What a perfect opportunity for first hand experience….
4. My father’s suggestion: Did you know you have two kidneys? God gave you two so you could share one….
None of them seem quite right – I’ve heard of bad pick-up lines, but these are forging a whole new level of ridiculous…

So really, what’s my point in all of this? Well, news spreads fast & I’ve had a lot of questions and concerns. So there’s the scoop as I know it..I have been disappointed; to say otherwise would be dishonest. But through my disappointments God has been faithful. He’s wrapped me in the loving arms of friends and family and surrounded me with the prayers of those I love. It’s times like these that God reminds me of His sovereignty. And He does it in such unexpected ways. It’s occurred to me that a lot of my fears have been tied to the unknown – how will this affect work, my family, life as I know it, etc… I get so wrapped up planning life, but what’s unknown to me is so very well known by my Lord. He knows me, He created me & He knows the intricacies of my life Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” What an amazing promise!
So, as I embark on this new chapter I continue to claim Rom. 12:12 – Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction & faithful in prayer. I find joy in knowing that God can use my experiences o encourage others. I’m a work in progress when it comes to patience And I am so blessed by those who lift me up in their prayers. I appreciate your prayers & words of encouragement & love more than I can put into words – Thanks so much!

Introductions -- Saran Wrap Use Number 53...

Hey Ya'll!  If you're reading this you've either stumbled upon my page by accident or on purpose -- whatever the circumstance -- Wecome!  I invite you to join me as I embark on a journey towards kidney transplantation.  Whether you've been in my shoes, love someone that's walked this path, are one of my cherished friends/family or just curious... buckle up... the trip's bumpy, the terrain's a little rugged and my shoes are a little worn -- but I have the most amazing guide in the driver's seat -- With Jesus Christ as my co-captain the rewards are in the experiences!!! (okay, I know, a lot of mixed metaphors ---keep up ;D )
So, a little background to get things started...
I'm a ten year "transplant veteran" -- In 2000 I received a living related kidney.  I was diagnosed with ureteral obstruction as a young child, unfortunately, this came late on the heels of previous misdiagnosis.  It was also discovered that I had only one kidney (it was surmised that I was born with only one native kidney).  Following several years of diet-controlled Chronic Renal Failure (CRF) I started peritoneal dialysis (PD).  Following 4 years of PD -- which was a fantastic experience (and a great enforcer of curfew LOL), I received a new kidney.  This kidney has provided me with freedom.  In the tens years I've had it, I've visited Europe, graduated HS and college, embarked on a career... In short -- I've LIVED!  I have been so richly blessed by the experiences and my life has been enriched by the many lessons I've learned along the way.
For example...
* The traditional cowboy phrase may be "don't squat with yer spurs on", but I found it equally helpful to camp within the 6ft dialysis cord-length next to the bathroom :)
* Saran Wrap works great as water-proofing -- but it squeaks when wet  (Every seen the "Mummy" -- need I say more?)
* Cyclosporine is a great bug repellant :)

Yep, I've learned a lot...  Now I'm learning how things work on the other side of transplantation.  In March I learned that I was beginning to experience CRF again and needed to begin the steps for re-transplantation.  That brings us to the present.... This blog spot will chronicle my experiences in the hope that I can help others experiencing similar situations.  I welcome questions... It is my goal to be authentic and honest -- some days are better than others -- but through it all I cling to the knowledge that God is in control, He loves me and He may not see fit to remove my obstacles from me -- but He will help me through them!  The 1st few posts may be incorrectly dated b/c I've decided to share some of my journaling from March to present....
Romans 12:12 - "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer".
--V