I read a post on FaceBook today -- reminicing about how as a child it felt like adulthood would never come, and now that it's here, childhood ever looked so good.
Boy, howdy! I agree! There are some fantastic things about adulthood -- like making grown-up decisions. There's a down side too, like making grown-up decisions.
Yeah, I said it. Somedays my innerchild wants to throw a royal tantrum -- fists flying, legs, kicking, a R-O-Y-A-L pain tantrum. Pretty picture, right? Yeah, well, no one ever said maturity was directly proportional to age.
So why all the dramatics? Brace yourselves....
Life is tough...
To those of you shocked by this revelation, go stick your head back in the sand, because if you don't know this yet -- I have no intrest in bursting your bubble.
However for the rest of you who haven't subscribed to the fraternal order of ignorant bliss, then you, too know life can pack a punch.
Until recently I held the romantic notion that I was adultly responsible for myself during the four years of PD prior to my first transplant. Whenever the topic arose I would take the opportunity to proclaim what a wonderful experience peritoneal dialysis was for me. I got along just famously, with nary a care, frustration or interruption to any social life I may have had. . My parents would politely smile and nod and I would self-congratulate myself for having such superior adult skills. uh huh... Do you believe that? Yeah, well neither do I....Now.
Pride has a way of coming back 'round and biting you (or rather me) in the hind cheeks. The first few weeks of peritoneal dialysis I felt so discouraged at my lacking tenacity. I mean, with a 4 year warm up, this should be like the 4th quarter -- no sweat. [You may want to note this sports referencce, pardon any inaccuracies, b/c analogies are the closest I'll ever come to the real thing].
No sweat... my big toe! This week marks a month since starting home dialysis. I'm finally sleeping without fearing I'll hang myself (don't laugh, those lines get an anaconda grip when they're wrapped around ya 3 times). I haven't had anymore drainage floods and I'm sleeping like a baby -- up every few hours crying... (no, not really).
Things are getting better, but as long as I'm on dialysis, I'm sure I'll wish I wasn't. I'm not saying, life is miserable, or even that I've lost my joy. That's what I think is so amazing about all of this. Even in spite of life having this very unwanted pothole -- its my life -- No matter whether its good, bad or rocky, how I decide to live it is completely up to me.
Circa pre-transplant P.T.) I had the expectation that life would be better after the transplant. So when everything wasn't all snorts and giggles I fought a profound disapointment. I don't know though, this most recent epiphany has me a little giddy about this prospect....
Life is rough (nope this isn't the giddy part -- keep reading). But how can I expect my life to be easy when we live in an unperfect, decaying sinful world (nope, definitely not the giddy part, almost there). What just gives me the shivers and feels me with joy is this: I don't have to go through the bad days alone. They come, and they suck (excuse the language), but with God's gift of strength, endurance, mercy and peace I am able to bear the bad, the ugly and the unexpected. What is even more astounding to me is how God can use intense experiences to mold me into the woman I want to be and can only successfully become with His guidance. Pretty cool, huh? So get giddy :)
Oh, and by no means does this further exclude me from having bad days, but on those days I will trust that God will use my friends, prayer warriors and precious family to remind me of the most gracious love my Lord has for me. I think these verses say it so much better than I ever could.
2 Corinthians 4:8-9, 16-18 (the whole chapter is great, but these are my faves)
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
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