What doesn’t kill you, makes you… TIRED.

My internal clock is set on international time, my snooze button is broken and my operating manual is MIA. 

Insomnia is a common side effect of Kidney failure, for some reason increased toxins play havoc with the body’s ability to get large quantities of rest.  Other side effects of dialysis can interfere with sleep (i.e. dry/itchy skin, restless legs, leg cramps, and the list goes on).  While insomnia isn’t fatal, it can be hazardous to your health (and wallet).

I’ve spent the last ten months trying to sleep – some days with better results than others.  I’ve funded the pharmaceutical communities’ family vacations trying to find a quick fix.  Muscle relaxants for leg spasms resulted in a scary altered awareness and drama which required someone to watch me til the effects had worn off – UGH!  Benadryl, Tylenol PM, and Melatonin for sleep, just wound me up, just wound me up, just wound me up…  I tried the prescription sleep aids, which altered my mental clarity – no snide comments here please – but sleep continued to elude me. I’ve tried breathing exercises, warm milk, hot shower, counting backwards, counting sheep, naming sheep – the sheep fell asleep, but I did not. 

Today, I was especially tired after sleeping only three or so hours in the last two days.  I know the exhaustion is making me last rational, but I was almost positive that everything was against me getting sleep.  I’d be drifiting off when the computer mysteriously came on blairing music, a little later udo (unidentified dropping object) made a commotion falling off my bed… the list goes on. 

But aside from the mind-numbing weariness – ever played JENGA, if you’re one brick shy, the whole things goes kaput.  My psyche feels nearly this fragile – I have this rational/irrational fear that one day I’ll transpose a ID number, passcode or secret recipe and the fragile construct of my sleep-depreived brain will come crashing down.  You laugh, but it could happen – I don’t think there’s a recovery program for that. 

My inhibitions are highly inhibited.  I can’t prove it, but I think I may be a closet sleeper and a sleep-shopper – you say there’s no such thing, then how can you explain my shrinking bank account and the burgeoning stack of Golden Books?  I also have developed a bad taste in my mouth – I don’t care what people say; Sweaty feet is not a delicacy! 

Being fatigued is like inviting the 7 dwarfs to inhabit your personality - Lack of sleep makes me Grumpy and Dopey. Ocasionally extreme fatigue makes me slap-Happy, the luggage under my eyes makes me Bashful to go out in public & then I become Sneezy and need a Doc.  Is Forgetful the seventh dwarf?

It’s not all bad, in fact I’m sure there are positive things about insomnia, but I was too tired to think of any.

In all honesty, I would appreciate your prayers for my sleep – Thank you for lifting me up to the Heavenly Father who restores the worn & weary!

**** No sheep or other barnyard animals were harmed in the attempts to catch a few zzz’s. But that noisy little one better watch his wooly behind!****

~ Vanessa --- sweet dreams :)