The past two weeks have been physically taxing.  At my last dr’s visit several of my labs had shown less-than-favorable levels so some of my medications were increased to compensate for my body’s inability to maintain healthy levels.  My hemoglobin had dropped to 8 and my PTH was skyrocketing.  The med changes seemed like an easy fix… turns out, not so easy.

Along with the med change I made the personal commitment to make a physical effort to get healthier.  I joined a gym and got an accountability partner.  The first day I sat outside the fitness center – I remember seeing a little old lady wrestle with the front door and glibly comment – ‘ Just let me do better than her’.   15 minutes later – that little old lady was kickin’ my behind.

Day two I made it through my circuit, but when I began feeling dizzy I took my blood pressure – the buzzing in my ears was a pretty good indicator that my blood pressure was low, but I wasn’t prepared to see a systolic number of less than 50.  The exercise isn’t the problem, it’s the fluid shifts that threw me off my ‘game’ HA!  This girl doesn’t just glow – I sweat, which results in a loss of fluid I can’t seem to compensate for, especially lately with these new med changes wreaking havoc on my system.

Since my last dr’s visit I’ve lost nearly 15 lbs (most of that fluid).  Nausea seems to be my constant companion, its kinda reminiscent of my hemo days.  I’m experimenting with how I take my meds, how much I take and when I take them.  Its frustrating to feel this way, but I also know that it’s a process.  It reminds me of my early days after transplant – I couldn’t keep much down than either, but with time and patience I figured out what I could tolerate.

Last night I was really discouraged after I tossed my cookies.  But the Lord used this verse to encourage me today -- Psalm 73:26  ‘My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.’  No matter the outcome of my trial & error, the Lord ultimately is in control and He sustains me no matter the circumstances.  I am also so very thankful for the encouragement and prayers of the many friends and family I have.  I am intensely grateful for the faithfulness of God & the faithfulness of the ones who care enough to lift me up to the Great Physician!

~V

Shifting Focus

A blog is an excellent outlet.  I love how it helps me to make sense of my thoughts.  My natural inclination is to ignore or drown out emotion-charged ideas, but blogging is a cheap form of therapy.  It gives me such pleasure as my overwhelming thoughts become words, that become ideas that finally come together to make sense.

I’ve held off blogging because I was waiting for something interesting to write about.  While I love my life and love to write, there are just some things not worth writing about.  I probably could have kept on waiting, but I’ve had this thought that continues to resonate within me.  Its not a new topic, in fact, its one I’m sure I’ve mentioned before – Trust. 

Whom do I put my trust in?  If you were to ask me this I wouldn’t have to think about it, my resounding answer would be ‘Christ’.  In fact, a few weeks ago I nearly blogged about the amazing place I was at in my walk with Christ – Isn’t it so fantastic how good it feels to be in step with Christ – it feels so good to feel good? 

A well-intentioned friend messaged me one night asking me how I was doing – I told them how very content I was waiting on Christ and doing my best to use this unique time in my life to serve Him – this friend asked me if it was difficult to be patient – My response – ‘No’. 

A lot of you know how very long its taken me to get to a point of acceptance and even patience.  There was a time when I nearly swore off the idea of ever asking God for patience, because it seemed He was in the habit of giving me far more opportunities to use it than I cared for.  But in that instant messaging moment I was genuine in my contentment.  Too bad it didn’t last….

Blogging has the distinct advantage of allowing people to see only what you want them to, a window to your ‘edited’ soul.  It would be far more flattering to leave out my struggles, but its like lying about your weight on your driver’s license – it may boost your ego, but really, who are you foolin’?

Two minutes.   That’s the amount of time it to for me to topple from my trust nirvana to wallow in impatience.  One innocent comment made by my IM buddy had me rethinking my lofty proclamations.  Its so utterly revealing how weak I am, when something rocks my focus.  Foundationally I know that God is in control and that He is worthy of my trust, but it all goes back to my desire for control.  I want what I want and I want it now!  There’s a song I loved as a child, sums my feelings up pretty well –

               I can’t wait to have patience,

               because patience is a wonderful thing

               Hurry up, let me have it, gotta get it know

               I want it more than anything

               This has taken long enough, give me some of that patience stuff

               I can’t wait to have patience – hurry up, hurry up, HUR_RY UP!

But God is gracious and thankfully He is patient with me.  He continues to place opportunities in my life for me to flex my faith and to trust Him.  Trusting God isn’t a part time gig --  He is constant, so it stands to reason that  my trust in Him should be constant too.  It’s a work in progress – I struggle with anxiety and I had a major flare up last night.  My exit site is having some problems and all those emotions of last summer’s ordeal overwhelmed me.  My focus shifted from Christ and I wrestled with the possibilities of what could be.  It was only when I placed my focus back on Christ that He calmed my fears.  Trust isn’t ignoring your problems, but rather looking to the one who can solve them.  I am so thankful for promises like Philippians 4:6-7  ‘Be anxious for nothing, but in everything with prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God and the peace that passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.’ And Isaiah 41:10 ‘So do not fear, for I am with you;

    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.’   

If you’re struggling with fear – shift your focus – trust the ONE who is greater than all your fears!

~V

Far be it from me to toot my own horn, but I like to think that I am a person with reasonable intelligence (this statement is not retorical).  This leaves me questioning why I am so very slow to learn certain lessons.