Today was a rough day at treatment -- Rough is when my blood pressure plummets and my feet end up above my head -- It tends to take the starch out of my sails for the rest of the day.  It was after such an episode today at dialysis that a new patient took the chair beside me -- I could tell she was new because was using an IJ catheter, she looked incredibly nervous & she came without a blanket (no one makes that mistake twice).
A year or two ago I would have been so utterly consumed with myself and my discomfort that I would have likely ignored my new neighbor.  Today I didn't.  It just amazes me the blessings God ahs for me when I take the time to look beyond myself. 
It also reminded me how far God has brought me, helping me through the oh-so-many anxieties and new experiences -- I am in awe of how GREAT God is!

Kidneys Not Included

Every once in a while I have a startlingly clear revelation – For instance – I knew from an early age that gray, really is not my color, farm cats don’t have 9 nine lives and I really should’ve had a V8.  More clarity came in college when I learned that paying money for a haircut is far better than ‘paying’ for the repercussions of a bad self-cut (p.s. – curly hair shrinks when dry).

I stumbled upon my most recent revelation completely by accident (which I suppose is a redundant statement, who purposefully stumbles…).  I was at my hairdresser’s place having my hair cut (lesson learned) – when she started talking about a guy she wanted to introduce me to.  Professionally, she thought he could help me with some insurance issues, personally, she thought a match might be in our future.  I voiced interest in talking with him professionally and was open to other possibilities.  Excitedly she told me how she really was going to ‘talk me up’ to him and proceeded to dial his number – As soon as he answered she introduced me – ‘Hey!  I have a single 30-year old gal here…. *drum roll*  who has a LOT of health problems.’   I don’t see much a future for her in advertising, or me for hearing from him J

What I learned from this experience is that I have had an identity crisis – Dialysis has become such a big part of my life that it became one of my largest self-identifying features.  Even when I’m not in the chair I have the physical reminders with me always.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all I think about – often I’m caught totally off guard when someone asks me what’s wrong with my arm.  But honestly, I do struggle with knowing what kind of disclaimer I should come with (Kidneys Not Included?) especially when it comes to meeting new people.

I am so much more than my illness – I’m creative, positive, and playful --- But most of all – I’m a child of the King and the person I am today has been shaped by the joys and struggles He continues to bring me through.  This revelation is a work in progress, but the Lord has truly convicted me of my insecurities and He is gently reminding me that my identity is in Him – and in Him, I am a new creation, chosen, loved and created for a purpose far beyond my insecurities.

 

Top of Form

2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

1 Peter 2:9 ESV

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.

Galatians 2:20 ESV

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Romans 12:2 ESV 

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

John 1:12 ESV 

But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God,
Check out this song by Matthew West -- Hello My Name Is (lyrics by Matthew West)

Attitude Adjustments - Aisle 8

Some days my world is incredibly small – population me.  Yesterday started out as one of those days. Every few weeks the In-Center nursing staff rotate their chair assignments so that they are familiar with all the dialysis patients – Why is this significant?  Well, to some it wouldn’t matter, but it takes time to break in a nurse that has never stuck my fistula – those first few times, in my limited experience – are painful.  I was already uptight after last week’s bleeding episode.  My world shrinks every so much when I place my focus on myself – I become really short-sided. 

Yesterday’s world news reported the use of chemical weapons in the Middle East & a successful lung transplant for a young girl – but the Headlines in my life included – a painful needle stick, followed by a blood pressure that bottomed-out and my site bleeding.  I’m pretty sure you won’t find any of those latter topics on FOX News, but it really consumed my thoughts yesterday morning. 

I left dialysis & stopped at the grocery store – While I was waiting on an order to be filled a lady behind the counter indicated towards my fistula ( I thought this was going to be my opportunity to use one of my new comebacks – ‘ oh, this? Snake bite. Big Snake.’)  But then she asked if she had seen me at dialysis.  She told me her sister was a dialysis patient & that she had seen me when she took her sister.  She began to tell me of her sister – on dialysis now after many years of being diabetic & being a cancer survivor.  Her next comment was, ‘ It takes a lot of faith’. 

Christ is just as sovereign & gracious & in-control on my bad days.  He isn’t surprised or set off-balance when I lose my focus & become short-sided.  And how awesome He is to remind me in such unexpected ways – that woman was God’s reminder of His faithfulness – My world opened up yesterday, when I shifted my focus back to the ONE it deserves to be set upon – I found God’s blessings for me at the meat market!

Will Power & Witty Retorts: Lessons learned While Using My Fistula

Today marks my eleventh week doing Hemo with my fistula.  Eleven weeks isn’t so long – 3 months, but fistula time is actually like dog years – much longer.  100+ hours, but its not like I’m counting J  In that time I’ve had a lot of firsts and learned some surprising lessons.

For instance, today I learned two new things about myself:

1)      I cannot will my blood to clot.

My will-power didn’t work when I wished for the laundry to fold itself & didn’t stand up to the chocolate cake, I’m not sure why I thought I would do any better over my blood flow.

2)      The smell of my own blood makes me queasy.

This lesson followed on the heels of lesson one.  My chair was needed by the next person and so the nurses set me in a chair directly in front of the newest patient. Uncertain whether I was the spectator or the one-woman show – I made every effort to cut the show short – in doing so I created a major production & left a bloody mess in my wake – hence lesson two.  I’m not usually given to squeamishness, but it seems with age comes wuss-dom. 

Eleven weeks has given me time to become more comfortable in my own skin.  In the early days of my fistula I was very insecure about how others would perceive my scars.  A dear friend called me on this fear & challenged me to use my scars to share about God's work in my life.  I'm so blessed to have such honest friends, reminding me of my purpose & God's goodness!  I don't try hiding my scars anymore -- they are all mine, I've earned each one and God has taught me so much in the course of getting them.  I could, however, use some retorts for all the curious comments about -- 'it looks like it hurts' or 'what happened to you' -- I would welcome any suggestions -- my material is getting worn out :)