Slow Learners Should Wear a Life Vest in Deep Water...

Learning to Relinquish My Will to

Trust My Father's

 

Before the month ends I have plans to meet with the kidney transplant team – they’ve called a ‘Family Meeting’.  The name alone elicits flashbacks of parent-teacher conferences –knowing I’m the topic of conversation gives me the heebie-geebies! 

It’s been brought to my attention that I may qualify to participate in a new trial treatment program.  The potential treatment would consist of at least a week’s worth of  treatments filtering my blood and targeting my antibodies – think Whack-a-Mole, except I’m the arcade game, the treatment’s the mallet, and the antibodies are the target -- the goal would be to neutralize my antibodies – If successful, I would be able to receive the kidney I was set to get 2 ½ years ago, prior to my antibody level sky-rocketing.

The prospect of a transplant within my grasp is super-exciting, but my excitement is tempered.

I’ve been excited before, and I’ve also been very disappointed – When things didn’t go as I planned I threw the ultimate spiritual (and physical) tantrum.  I went through a period of desolation not understanding how God could have misunderstood, and failed to execute, the plans I’d worked so hard to put in order. It was an unpleasant time in my history and for all those around me (if you think I’m exaggerating, flip back my blogs from June 2011 on – I’m putting it mildly). 

In the 2 plus years since my transplant was cancelled I’ve learned some incredibly difficult – but eternally edifying lessons.  You see, I had it all wrong – I was operating under the flawed ideology of ‘my will be done’, not ‘God’s will be done’.  Oh, I might have told you I wanted God’s will, but in truth, what I really wanted was for God to endorse my will. 

I’m cringing as I write this, thinking of how very patient God has been (and is) waiting for me to grasp the lessons He’s laid out for me.  Being honest with myself is as revealing as skinny jeans on a fluffy girl --  painful and embarrassing! 

What I’ve learned is that God’s plans for my life are based on His understanding of the ‘Big Picture’ – and He wants His best for me.   

·        Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

·        Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:28-31

 

 So this time around I have a plan, but my plan isn’t to have a transplant – oh, don’t get me wrong… a working transplant would be AWESOME, but more than that I am praying for God’s will.  I want my desires to be in line with what God has for me – if it’s a kidney, then I want it in His time, but if its in His plan for me to wait – I want to serve Him the best I can in the time He’s given me.

Joseph has become a real hero of faith for me (Genesis 37-45) – Sold into slavery he must have felt such betrayal– Potiphar’s prison was far removed from his dreams of greatness, but he was ready to be used by God even in the midst of his disappointments.  I think my best laid plan is to trust God to know best.  That’s why I’m asking for your prayers – that I will be wise in the decisions I make and trusting God to have my best in His plans. 

Oh, yeah – you know that story of Joseph?  He didn’t stay in prison, through events that only an all-knowing God could orchestrate – Joseph’s dreams came true.  I serve the same God that Joseph did and it excites me beyond measure to know that God has a plan for my life!

This song echoes my heart’s beat lately as I seek God’s will for my life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsjZ94K7UQs

 

I don't know where to go from here
It all used to seem so clear
I'm finding I can't do this on my own

I don't know where to go from here
As long as I know that You are near
I'm done fighting, I'm finally letting go

I will trust in You
You've never failed before
I will trust in You

If there's a road I should walk
Help me find it if I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will, whatever Your will

Can you help me find it?
Can you help me find it?

I'm giving You fear and You give faith
I giving you doubt, You give me grace
For every step I've never been alone

Even when it hurts, You'll have Your way
Even in the valley I will say
With every breath, You've never let me go

I will wait for You
You've never failed before
I will wait for You

If there's a road I should walk
Help me find it if I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will, whatever Your will

Can you help me find it?
Can you help me find it?

I lift my empty hands
(Come fill me up again)
Have Your way my King
(I give my all to You)

I lift my eyes again
(Was blind but now I see)
'Cause You are all I need

If there's a road I should walk
Help me find it if I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will, whatever Your will

Can you help me find it?
Can you help me find it?

Sidewalk Prophets - Help Me Find It Lyrics

 

Potty Breaks are for People with Kidneys

Wow! In the last week, I’ve spent nearly an hour trying to explain the function of kidneys or rather, the lack of kidneys.  It seems to be inconceivable that a person doesn’t have kidneys.  I was scheduled for a test that required drinking copious amounts of water to achieve a full bladder.

Okay, well, I see two problems with this:

1)       I have a strict fluid restriction because I don’t have kidneys, and

2)      I can’t pee, hence the fluid restriction

The first person I tried to explain this to became flustered when I asked for alternate instructions. I explained that I could drink ‘til the cows came home, but the only thing that would accomplish is me swelling up to resemble those cows.   After calling to confer with another professional she instructed me to drink within my fluid restriction and ‘Just do the best you can’ – Why hadn’t I thought of that?  All this time I was thinking my inability to urinate was directly linked to my lack of kidneys  -- when all along I just wasn’t doing my best!

The next person I talked to kept saying, ‘You poor thing’ and marveling that I was ‘Just 30’.  When I finally convinced her of my kidney-less state (no small task I assure you),  she wanted to know ‘what do you do?’  (I’m so glad  God gifted me with quick wit/retorts that often get hung up in Eastern Standard Time, otherwise I’d be apologizing far more frequently for my sarcastic remarks). 

I guess I’m a bit of an enigma, but after talking to so many people who couldn’t fathom what I was trying to tell them I started to doubt it myself.  I had to double check with my dialysis nurse that I had my facts straight – and wouldn’t you know it – this time – I knew what I was talking about J