#TBT This picture from 6 years ago came across my FB memories this week. On the surface the photo depicts a pretty chill scene with me dressed up – nothing especially out of the ordinary if you know me or have had the ‘pleasure’ of encountering Gertie ;) And though cloaked in good natured humor, the sign I’m sporting was no joke. At this time six years ago I was keeping one of the in-center recliners warm 3-4 hours a day, 3 days a week, while on the blessed life support that is dialysis.
The smile in this photo is genuine, after all, my mottos is the same as my blood type – B[ee] positive, but it was a journey to get there; through repeatedly spoiled plans, dramatic tantrums (lets just say, I may have a touch f Gertie’s flair), valleys so deep & thoughts so dark.
In the first few years leading up to this joyful grin and slightly irreverent, totally punny signage I’d have looked and acted more like a disgruntled porcupine or freshly laundered cat – totally miffed that life had sped so far off the course I’d set out for myself. Three cancelled transplant attempts, infection, traumatic wound care scenarios (think – large hand wrist-deep in belly incision, sans anesthesia or pain meds…twice), cardiac arrest, defibrillation, losing my job and all manner of anxiety and panic attacks have a way of getting a girl’s attention, even a thick-headed one like me. It’s so remarkable to me the change God can bring about when you just let Him.
With an adjustment to my politely hostile, wet-cat-way of thinking, courtesy of the Almighty, I began to see the new place & purpose Christ had set before me, in perhaps, the unlikeliest of places. I’d been figuratively dropped (the experience was jarring, to say the least) into a 25(ish) chair hemodialysis center with a (likely) not-so-willing, but, still, rapt audience of nurses and neighboring patients who couldn’t get away from me as long as I was hooked up. My circumstances hadn’t changed when this snapshot was taken, in fact, my health outlook was more drear and statistically daunting than my first few years. My living donor had to back out & due to that previously mentioned infection, my statistical possibility of getting a new kidney was a 0-3% chance (so glad God’s not limited by math). And when well meaning people wished to command kidneys into my body, I was deeply appreciative of their love for me and desire for my wholeness, but I remember thinking… I wasn’t convinced I wanted a new kidney *gasp*(stay with me), if it required another family to lose someone they loved, and furthermore, while I hadn’t grown to love dialysis, I had grown to love the challenge of making my cranky dialysis neighbor smile, when everyone else skirted his tempers, bringing dietary friendly treats, encouraging dialysis newbies & dressing up during the holidays – halo on Monday, glowing antlers on Wednesday, and….wait for it….a singing, dancing Christmas tree headdress on Friday (you better believe I was the cool kid ;) ). I had finally found a mission field, purpose and joy where I was, I didn’t want to sacrifice that for the sake of a new, used part.
Against all statistical probability I received a most blessed gift of a new kidney a year after this bee-tactic shot was taken – and I am so thankful.
That’s a lot of backstory, from days gone by, but the pic struck a cord in my heart this week and it seemed especially relevant in the weeks since my last immunotherapy treatment. My last treatment was the end of September, but its only been in the last week that I’ve had a few days reprieve from over a month long doozy of a headache (its back today, which only reinforces how ah-making those few days without was). That eager Bee in the photo feels like a monument in time – like an altar of bible times built to remind folks of God’s faithfulness (or even the ungodly colors I choose to pepper my hair with) – this frozen frame of time speaks of the valleys Christ has brought me through and how He used each circumstance – big, little, traumatizing & otherwise – to intricately weave together my story in a dance I’d never have mapped out (which is best, since I’m a Mennonite-Southern Baptist hybrid – two left feet).
I just finished reading #NothingWastedBook by @kaseyvannorman (SO.GOOD.) and in it she talks about how God uses the things in our lives (the good, the bad & the ugly) – all of it, for our good & God’s glory. It’s a powerful read, that I highly recommend, but one thing I especially loved is how, in the last chapter, she maps out how the events, circumstances and decisions of her past were used by God to shape her and bring her to Christ. Seeing the impactful ‘domino’ effect of each instance in her past was tremendous and beautiful to see God working through it all
So with all the uncertainty of whether my immunotherapy will keep my kidney in check this picture’s a timely reminder of God’s faithfulness in my life – then & now – no mater the circumstances. Because they say hindsight is 20/20 and I think perspective is a God-given gift, I wanted to end with my own set of ‘dominos’ – how God’s used each seemingly wretched life event for my good and His glory. Sorry, not sorry, if you already have heard this – I hope I never lose the awe and appreciation for where God has brought me and from what He’s delivered me!
My donor stuck with me through 2-failed transplant attempts, the second of which was my appendicitis the day before transplant — If I’d had already had my transplant, an appendicitis would have, likely, been fatal. — During the third transplant attempt my donor was ruled out due to a risk of an immune disorder, which could have a negative impact on her kidneys, God was looking out for both of us! — Without a living donor I was placed on the deceased donor list — Due to the infection my antibodies skyrocketed to 98%, giving me a 0-3% chance of finding a donor match — due to that earlier appendectomy I was no longer able to do dialysis at home and that meant I had to do dialysis in a center — That dialysis center doubled as my own mission field (think along the same lines as Paul and his ‘house arrest’ jailers) — God gave me a purpose that allowed me to utilize my love for baking & nursing (‘no sir, Pickles are not on the renal diet, no sir, just because a pizza comes in one container does not make it one serving’) — Because I was a statistical nightmare for finding a kidney match I was bumped up to ‘high priority’ on the national list — Because that heinous infection made me a statistical donor match nightmare I received a near perfect young kidney!
Life has gone on since then and it has had it’s fair share of blessings & hiccups. Because my donor was EBV+ (the virus that causes mono ‘kissing sickness’) and I was not (if I’d only known, I might have kissed more boys ;) ) I was treated for transplant specific lymphoma in 2017 & 2018 (clear since last year PTL). And last year that pesky EBV raised it’s head once more and triggered a winter-long bout with active mono. And then there’s now, with some evidence of rejection brewing. Hiccups are a… bummer. But like tornado watches, which keep (non-Kansas) folks on their toes and ready to take shelter, hiccups keep me vigilant to look to my Refuge, Rock, Fortress and Stronghold (Psalm 18:2)! Turbulent waters prevent stagnation, eh?!
I’ll leave you with this, an encouragement and promise I keep close to my heart from John 9. When Jesus & His disciples are walking along the sea ‘ a man blind from birth. 2 His [Jesus’] disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
3 “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.’ Did you catch that?! What we might see as ashes, God can make beautiful! My soul does a major happy dance here – God uses trials (like this man’s blindness, sickness, sinful decisions and situations beyond our control) to show up and show off His power and ability to be strength in weakness, peace in chaos and faithful through it all! God is a master builder, using the things we wouldn’t to shape our character, show us how deeply we need Him and bless others – Nothing is Wasted or void of purpose, not even the stuff we might prefer to keep packed in the baggage we carry around! Yes, Yes, Yes! Beauty from ashes, baby – that’s indeed worthy of an amen & a happy dance!
Your picture… your ‘altar’ of remembrance of God’s faithfulnessin your own life may look nothing like mine (I think that’s a pretty safe bet ;) ), but I encourage you to take time to erect that monument of praise to the Lord and remembrance for yourself! Set up your own ‘dominos’, how God’s used the stuff you wouldn’t to masterfully map out your life’s events to bring you to this place and the places to come. I love how Kasey says it in her book #NothingWasted, ‘God rightly knows what we so often question, His process is the point.’
God bless ya my friends!
#NothingWastedBook
