Under Construction

I put my waterproof mascara through the paces tonight.  It’s been coming for days, maybe even weeks, but tonight, the floodgates spilled over.  The disappointments of this past week have made me acutely aware of my own character flaws.  Just as a small thread come-undone can lead to an entire garment’s unraveling; small, seemingly insignificant events have lead to my unraveling.  If I didn’t know better I would bet that someone has slipped me some high-powered steroids – such has been my weepy demeanor.  Who is this bundle of raw nerves and frayed emotions?  Usually, I am pretty even-keeled and cheery – so cheery in fact, that on occasion I’ve been told to ‘dial down the happy’.
As my fatigue increase, so does my vulnerability.  I’m finding it more and more difficult to bounce back from the emotional blows.  This last week I found out that 2 potential donors have been ruled out. … Unraveling… I feel let down, not by the potential donors – I only feel love and gratitude for them,…. I thought I’d placed all my trust in Christ, but as I assess the impact tis news has had on me, I realize that I’d placed a measure of my trust in the process. 
As I survey the damages, a group of verses keeps coming to mind.

And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.  Romans 5:2-5
God can’t fix me, until I surrender to Him in my brokenness.  Don’t get me wrong – I am still going to have days when I need my waterproof mascara – I hate being so brittle.  But I am so incredibly excited by what I know God is doing in my life.  He is so faithful to use the mess that is me and use these experiences to His glory!  Some of the most beautiful things are products of intense stress (i.e. coal = diamonds,  pure gold is revealed through intense heat).  A very wise woman shared another illustration – Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were relieved of their bondage when they went into the firey furnace. 1Peter 1:6-7 gives me the hope that my struggles have purpose and I am striving to emerge on the other side of all my struggles -- a worker approved, a good and faithful servant.

1 Peter 1:6-7  In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

I’m so glad that God’s not finished with me yet – But while I’m ‘under construction’ I would ask you to please pray for my attitude - that it would be reflective of the God I serve and for my patience as I continue to wait on the Lord – as I wait for a kidney.