Beyond Statistics

'I'd rather have it because it lasts longer, statistically speaking'
             
                   For those of you who know me personally, you've probably heard me utter these words in regards to a living donor - transplant.  It's true -- statistically speaking, the odds are far more favorable for living organ transplants as oposed to deceased donor.  I have the numbers memorized.  You might say, I'm a stats junkie. Here are the most recent stats to whirl round my head:

• Five '5 years' - it's the approximate life span of a dialysis patient
• Ten '10 years' - the average life of a deceased donor kidney
• Twenty '20 years' - the average life of a living donor kidney

Its so super easy to get sucked up in the number crunching game that all this can become, but it was in the midst of a quiet moment this last week, when God stripped away every other distraction & pelted me with the calming assurance that He is so much bigger than any statistics.  He was here before the math and He's be here long after.  It's nice to know I can place my assurance in Him...
--V

Lost & Found

I crossed the taped off perimeter today.

You see, though I’ve never boasted of ‘Stepford’-esque  organization skills; the day the dialysis boxes moved in all semblance of order went out the door. Now my bedroom has become my storage room, my storage room is my dialysis room, the living room is my bed room and office.  So, like I said, it was definitely time to dive into the disarray and make sense of my disorder.

The contents of one bag especially captured my interest. I found a long forgotten wireless mouse. I’d purchased it at the same time as my laptop, but never needed it.  Several months ago I had dropped it in the bag so I could give it to a friend who was thinking of purchasing one.  I was excited when I found it today – oh, it was little dirty, but none the worse for wear.  I ran my fingers over the smooth palm rest and the gel finger grips.  I right clicked – I left clicked.   I turned it over…….but wait, no.. where *ugh* is…  To my dismay and irritation I realize that the wireless USB plug-in is missing.  My mouse is no longer ‘nearly new’, now it is just junk..  Obsolete, worthless, dirty, junk.  Instinctively I reach to toss the mouse in the trash – after all, without that piece it won’t function the way it is meant to…

I can’t tell you how many times I have done that…. Lost an earring, throw the other one away, lost a sock, throw the other one away, lost my marbles…. Oh, wait… maybe not

Here’s where I’m going with all of this… I got to thinking… I was once like the mouse without the USB port.  Without Jesus, I was a soul, lost and wandering, without hope and unable to function in the way in which I was truly created to be. 

Jesus uses parables (stories) in the New Testament to illustrate how much He loves us and how much we need Him.

Parable of the lost coin – Luke 15:8-10  “Or suppose a woman has ten silver coins^[a] and loses one. Doesn’t she light a lamp, sweep the house and search carefully until she finds it? ⁹ And when she finds it, she calls her friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin.’ ¹⁰ In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”

Parable of the lost sheep – Luke 15: 4-7 “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? ⁵ And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders ⁶ and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ ⁷ I tell you that in the same  Funway there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

But maybe you’re like the prodigal son (Luke 15:12-32), fun-loving, free-spirited, rebellious, dirty, hungry, lost?  He chased after every passion, sated every hunger of the flesh – but when the money ran out he found out he was just like the mouse without a USB drive – dirty & useless. who found his sheep – the dirtyson went back to his father and asked for his forgiveness…. The lost—was found…  the useless – useful.   And the dirty--- cleansed and redeemed!!!!

Pretty sad story, huh?  Well, yeah, it would be…. But it doesn’t have to end there!  Just like the widow who found her coin and the shepherd

My mouse’s USB drive is intact – how ‘bout yours?

Blessed because....

In an effort to not be perceived as one big whine I've decided to compose a list of the things I have to be thankful for (i.e. my blessings, favorite things, things that make me smile)....







                                                                                             Oh, did you think I was going to share them?


LOL....   My career, co-workers & bosses -- so, so blessed by a job that is not just a job -- but a place for me to have purpose, serve others and work with super-great people who are also my friends!
Transportation --I've yet to have to hitch hike (dog-gone-it I hear that's a great way to meet people) or wear my butt-shaping shoes (my butt's a shape...) -- I am blessed daily by the generosity of the people I work with, friends, and family--HUGE BLESSING!!!
i have a roof over my head, food in my fridge & junk in my trunk... oops!  scratch the last one ;)
I am oh, so thankful for my vision!
Sooooo thankful for my friends who allow me to be me -- and all that entails.
Headache freee days are blissful blessings
I am so very thankful to live in a country where I am free physically & spiritually & I am oh, so very thankful to those men & women who are willing to risk their safety to defend my liberty!!!
Thankful & humbled God's gift of Jesus Christ's death & resurrection covers over a multitude of sins so that I can be presentable before God!!!!!!!
Okay, so this may not compare, but I'm really glad for .....indoor plumbing.
My fuzzy kitty
The sight of frolicking black calves on a green wheat field
The smell fo fresh alfalfa
The taste of really yummy lip gloss :)
Starting a water fight & soaking an unwitting challenger
A night out with the girls
My parents!!!!
A really good beat that makes you wanna dance :)
Sunrises & Sunsets


And finally, some potentially good news I received this week..... There's a potential living donor who is being worked up... YIPEE!! :)
OH & finally finally ;)   I am especially thankful for all the prayers, from friends, families & even those I don't know. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for thinking enough of me to pray for me!!! May God bless each one of you for your kindness :)
--V

A Pain in the _____!!!!

How many times must you hear something before you begin to believe it as truth? Ten times? 8 times?  Maybe 5?  In my case, most recently this week – two times.  Monday I made it a marathon doctor visit day. 

• Nephrologist   check  
• Dialysis Nurse   check  
• Dietician   check 
• Unknown titled expert  check 
• Neurologist  check 
• Unmentionable-ologist   check-check

Yep, as you can see, it was a record breaking day of ‘check’ ups.  With the onset of kidney failure and initiation of dialysis my body (mind & spirit) has begun to protest in most unappreciated ways.  While I’ll spare you the details, my biggest issue at this point is chronic headache.  Notice I said headache as in singular, uno – yep , just one big pain in the, *cough* uh hmm head.

My goal during my medical marathon was to get to the bottom of the pain.  As a side note – I can’t express strongly enough how majorly important it is to be your own advocate!  The only person seriously vested in you is you.  Okay, soapbox aside….  In the first office condolences were expressed when I mentioned my headache.  The unknown specialist questioned if I was depressed – ONE.  At the neurologist, after expressing my frustration, he mentions I seem more “down” than usual – TWO.  Headed home from my doctor visits I mentioned the comments to a friend, laughing off the insinuation that I was depressed, when she says there might be validity to the statements – THREE.

So again I ask – how many times must you hear something before you begin to believe it?  Most recently for me – Three…..

Depressed, me?  Sure I feel like crying, but only when mere tasks of walking and breathing cause flashes of throbbing pain.  And yes, my smile seems to have vanished and my humor has flown the coop. So, yeah, I guess the evidence would point to….

How many times must you hear something to begin to believe it? ONE

ONE phone call broke my reverie tonight. God’s gift of truth to me in the form of ONE dear friend -  He will never leave me or forsake me, He won’t give me more than I can handle, purpose can arise from pain & beauty from the ashes….  ONE that’s all it took.  Yeah, I hit a funk, yes I hate hate hate this headache, but I am not defeated because I am choosing to trust in the ONE true God!

Have you begun to believe lies of doubt & defeat?  May you have a precious person in your life to remind you of God’s promises!  I’m not belittling the enormity of depression & the helplessness it can make you feel, but as I was reminded tonight – My God is mightier than the most significant obstacle in my path.

Deuteronomy 31:8
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

1 Peter 1:7
These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

Psalm 31:7-8

I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
   for you saw my affliction
   and knew the anguish of my soul. ⁸ You have not given me into the hands of the enemy
   but have set my feet in a spacious place.

Psalm 40:2
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

The truth is a powerful thing.  I trust & pray that if you ever find yourself believing the lie that things are hopeless, joyless and useless, that you you will claim these promises of God!

--V

It Stinks: Morning Breath & the pitfalls of self-pity

Though my fingers have been still my mind has been reeling…. Several weeks have lapsed since I last journaled my thoughts and life – as-it-happens.  I’ve been struggling with personal relevance.  In my pursuit to capture educational snippets to share, encourage and enlighten (Lord willing) I’ve come across material that depicts different journey’s and medical processes in exciting and unique venues.  I’ve begun to question what business I have thinking my ramblings worthy of an audience.  So often I find myself throwing my own pity party.  There’s a running joke between a college friend & myself – I throw fantastic parties – its just a shame no one ever shows up… 

Why, is my struggle the exception, why is my pain any more interesting--- and why, when everyone has their own measure of turmoil, grief & stress would they want to read about someone else’s.  Yeah, I know, at about this point I have an amazing violin chorus --- so never fear, at my party-of-one the music’s in full swing & food to eat – cheese is on the menu…

Tonight, my dear friend gave me permission to be honest… I never want to become so wrapped up in myself that I lose sight of my Savior & the gifts He’s allowed me through my brokenness.  So, read on, or don’t – the decision is yours fr the taking.  I’ve taken a step back, examined my expectations, desires and purpose in blogging.  I want to be authentic & take down the mask of my air-brushed persona & allow the glimpse of me…. I’d like to apologize for my morning breath --- but here’s why I won’t… My fervent prayer is that you might find some measure of hope, comfort, encouragement or even just laugh, knowing that there’s someone out here that doesn’t have it all together, but is on a life’s journey to let God piece me together.  It’s not always pretty, but I am confident that ‘He who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion…’. (Philippians 1:6)

Alone with my thoughts        

                                    The SILENCE is deafening

     Where is God?  I thought I knew His voice

                                                                               A still, small voice

                                                                                   darkness of guilt and despair engulfs me

                            

                    Where is God? I thought I knew the way

                                                                                                      A light unto my path 

Hope a distant memory, joy beyond my grasp

         

          Where is God? I thought He had a hold of me

                                                            His Son’s outstretched nail-scarred hands

He never left me, He never tarried 

He shed the light that lit my way

With outstretched arms He offered me solace from the storm

And when the trials became too much

I, in His loving arms was carried

What once was shattered, has been made whole

The Son broke through my darkness

No more silence, only singing

And wells of unending joy spring up within my soul

David, Job, Naomi, Daniel..

They all experienced brokenness.  Add Vanessa to the list

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about brokenness.  Certain life events can act as a catalyst for deep personal introspection.  For me, these moments have been instrumental in shaping my personal relationships and core beliefs.  But each personal journey of insight has been spurred by intense brokenness.

 David’s happened when He was being hunted by Saul, Job, during the time of his personal affliction, Naomi, with the death of her husband  & two sons, Daniel, who was quite literally in a pit, sharing space with a few fierce kitties…. They’d reached an all-time low – God had their attention.

I’m astounded by the mechanism of pain.  It’s a powerful motivatr, and what better source to look to than the Ultimate Healer.

The Acropolis in Athens is at the top of a hill.  First of all, for my fellow Midwesterners let me explain that ‘hill’ is a very poor descriptive term for this elevation of ungodly proportions (okay, perhaps my perception is a bit skewed, but far be it for me to make a mountain out of a mole hill hee hee). But you get the picture, it’s a climb.  It’s steep, and some of the footholds are slippery.  At times my foting was precarious.  Fellow sojourners christened the steps with a swift wallop from their hineys and more than a few had black & blue ‘tatoos’ to remind them of the ‘valley of the gods’.  But my point being – it takes having been in the valley and put forth the effort to truly appreciate the exaltation f the peaks.

If God had allowed me to choose the event to spur my desparate need to cleave myself to Him, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have chosen kidney failure and vision loss from the laundry list of struggles. But even in my wonderings of ‘why this’ & ’why me’ I am reminded that God doesn’t make mistakes.  Why not this & why not me? 

Most recently I am struggling with making time for time with my Heavenly Father.  Busy work days, dialysis prep & the return of my headaches has placed a damper on my enthusiasm for God’s word.  I’m not trying to make excuses, but I guess that’s what I’m doing.  I cringe as I write this.  I wish I could tell you how on fire and enthusiastic I am for the ever-living & precious word of God.  I can’t say that right now, but in my admittance I would also ask for your prayers.  Pray that God would use this time in my life to ignite a rich and fervent fire of passion within my soul.  My desire is to move ever forward in my love and witness for Christ – never growing stagnant.  Maybe you can relate, maybe you can’t.  But I am grateful in knowing that I serve a God that is interested in having that all-out spine-tingling, madly passionate relationship with me – with you.  The knowledge of that is enough to bring me to my knees and pray – Father take my heart, my sould, my life – make it all about You and cnsume my heart with the passion I once knew – ignite within me the first love and make it all about You!  Praise God that through Christ Jesus – I’m not a lost cause!

I love the illustration of God’s unfailing love and patience with us broken creatures in Isaiah 54:10

            Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken…” says the LORD, who has compassion on you. The Newsboy’s set this merciful promise to music, the song ‘Build us Back’ is from their most recent album ‘Born Again’. 

City walls have turned to dust
Broken hands and blistered feet
We walk for miles to find relief

When the thief takes, when our hopes cave
You build us back
You build us back

When the earth shakes, when the world breaks
You build us back
You build us back

We are scared, we are poor
All our safety nets are torn
We've been humbled to our knees
From these ruins, we believe

When the thief takes, when our hopes cave
You build us back
You build us back

When the earth shakes, when the world breaks
You build us back
You build us back

Redeemer, redeem us
Restorer, restore us
Oh build us back
Though the mountains be shaken, the hills be removed
Your unfailing love remains
After all that's been taken, Your promise, still sacred
You build us back with precious stones

http://newsboys.com/v09/radio_standalone.php 

(click on 'Build us Back' -- btw 'Born Again', pretty amazingly relevant too -- Praise God for the blessing of Christian music & the artists who allow God to use them :)

--V  (a work in progress)