Though my fingers have been still my mind has been reeling…. Several weeks have lapsed since I last journaled my thoughts and life – as-it-happens. I’ve been struggling with personal relevance. In my pursuit to capture educational snippets to share, encourage and enlighten (Lord willing) I’ve come across material that depicts different journey’s and medical processes in exciting and unique venues. I’ve begun to question what business I have thinking my ramblings worthy of an audience. So often I find myself throwing my own pity party. There’s a running joke between a college friend & myself – I throw fantastic parties – its just a shame no one ever shows up…
Why, is my struggle the exception, why is my pain any more interesting--- and why, when everyone has their own measure of turmoil, grief & stress would they want to read about someone else’s. Yeah, I know, at about this point I have an amazing violin chorus --- so never fear, at my party-of-one the music’s in full swing & food to eat – cheese is on the menu…
Tonight, my dear friend gave me permission to be honest… I never want to become so wrapped up in myself that I lose sight of my Savior & the gifts He’s allowed me through my brokenness. So, read on, or don’t – the decision is yours fr the taking. I’ve taken a step back, examined my expectations, desires and purpose in blogging. I want to be authentic & take down the mask of my air-brushed persona & allow the glimpse of me…. I’d like to apologize for my morning breath --- but here’s why I won’t… My fervent prayer is that you might find some measure of hope, comfort, encouragement or even just laugh, knowing that there’s someone out here that doesn’t have it all together, but is on a life’s journey to let God piece me together. It’s not always pretty, but I am confident that ‘He who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion…’. (Philippians 1:6)
Alone with my thoughts
The SILENCE is deafening
Where is God? I thought I knew His voice
A still, small voice
darkness of guilt and despair engulfs me
Where is God? I thought I knew the way
A light unto my path
Hope a distant memory, joy beyond my grasp
Where is God? I thought He had a hold of me
His Son’s outstretched nail-scarred hands
He never left me, He never tarried
He shed the light that lit my way
With outstretched arms He offered me solace from the storm
And when the trials became too much
I, in His loving arms was carried
What once was shattered, has been made whole
The Son broke through my darkness
No more silence, only singing
And wells of unending joy spring up within my soul
David, Job, Naomi, Daniel..
They all experienced brokenness. Add Vanessa to the list
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about brokenness. Certain life events can act as a catalyst for deep personal introspection. For me, these moments have been instrumental in shaping my personal relationships and core beliefs. But each personal journey of insight has been spurred by intense brokenness.
David’s happened when He was being hunted by Saul, Job, during the time of his personal affliction, Naomi, with the death of her husband & two sons, Daniel, who was quite literally in a pit, sharing space with a few fierce kitties…. They’d reached an all-time low – God had their attention.
I’m astounded by the mechanism of pain. It’s a powerful motivatr, and what better source to look to than the Ultimate Healer.
The Acropolis in Athens is at the top of a hill. First of all, for my fellow Midwesterners let me explain that ‘hill’ is a very poor descriptive term for this elevation of ungodly proportions (okay, perhaps my perception is a bit skewed, but far be it for me to make a mountain out of a mole hill hee hee). But you get the picture, it’s a climb. It’s steep, and some of the footholds are slippery. At times my foting was precarious. Fellow sojourners christened the steps with a swift wallop from their hineys and more than a few had black & blue ‘tatoos’ to remind them of the ‘valley of the gods’. But my point being – it takes having been in the valley and put forth the effort to truly appreciate the exaltation f the peaks.
If God had allowed me to choose the event to spur my desparate need to cleave myself to Him, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have chosen kidney failure and vision loss from the laundry list of struggles. But even in my wonderings of ‘why this’ & ’why me’ I am reminded that God doesn’t make mistakes. Why not this & why not me?
Most recently I am struggling with making time for time with my Heavenly Father. Busy work days, dialysis prep & the return of my headaches has placed a damper on my enthusiasm for God’s word. I’m not trying to make excuses, but I guess that’s what I’m doing. I cringe as I write this. I wish I could tell you how on fire and enthusiastic I am for the ever-living & precious word of God. I can’t say that right now, but in my admittance I would also ask for your prayers. Pray that God would use this time in my life to ignite a rich and fervent fire of passion within my soul. My desire is to move ever forward in my love and witness for Christ – never growing stagnant. Maybe you can relate, maybe you can’t. But I am grateful in knowing that I serve a God that is interested in having that all-out spine-tingling, madly passionate relationship with me – with you. The knowledge of that is enough to bring me to my knees and pray – Father take my heart, my sould, my life – make it all about You and cnsume my heart with the passion I once knew – ignite within me the first love and make it all about You! Praise God that through Christ Jesus – I’m not a lost cause!
I love the illustration of God’s unfailing love and patience with us broken creatures in Isaiah 54:10
Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken…” says the LORD, who has compassion on you. The Newsboy’s set this merciful promise to music, the song ‘Build us Back’ is from their most recent album ‘Born Again’.
City walls have turned to dustBroken hands and blistered feet
We walk for miles to find relief
When the thief takes, when our hopes cave
You build us back
You build us back
When the earth shakes, when the world breaks
You build us back
You build us back
We are scared, we are poor
All our safety nets are torn
We've been humbled to our knees
From these ruins, we believe
When the thief takes, when our hopes cave
You build us back
You build us back
When the earth shakes, when the world breaks
You build us back
You build us back
Redeemer, redeem us
Restorer, restore us
Oh build us back
Though the mountains be shaken, the hills be removed
Your unfailing love remains
After all that's been taken, Your promise, still sacred
You build us back with precious stones
http://newsboys.com/v09/radio_standalone.php
(click on 'Build us Back' -- btw 'Born Again', pretty amazingly relevant too -- Praise God for the blessing of Christian music & the artists who allow God to use them :)
--V (a work in progress)
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