...be content with what you have, because God has said, Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you. Hebrews 13:5

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

Today's update:
I heard back from my transplant nurse today and got the official word.  No kidney, no trial. I'm officially disqualified. Some of you have had other questions - My blood type is the same as my motto - B positive :).  If you have questions about kidney donation I can try to answer them, but Susan (transplant nurse) would be glad to answer any questions you might have. I would be glad to message you her number.  Thank you for all the encouraging, kind words, love & prayers.  I am struck over & over again by the love & friendships Christ has blessed me with - Thanks so much for reminding me of that this week!  Love & hugs ~V

I received some questions in relationship to my post. I've tried to hit the high points and answer them as best I can while still respecting Megan's privacy.  [Why is Megan not eligible?]   Recent test results were red flagged by my transplant team.  Looking out for her best interest, the transplant team felt it would benefit her to keep both her kidneys.  I would never want my improved health to come at the cost of hers. [Does that mean permanently not eligible?] This decision is permanent - Megan's no longer eligible to donate a kidney, this won't change.  [How long will you have to wait for word on the trial?]  I have no idea about the trial, the nurse did mention that there was the slight possibility that if a person were to come forward with interest in donating I (and they) could possibly be worked up quickly and still qualify for the study within their time parameters  -- I don't know when I will find out this for sure. [Did you just find out today?]   Yep (9:46AM) 
Hope that answers some of your questions (or perhaps that's more than you ever wanted to know, in that case - sorry )  

Deja Vu

Have you ever had a moment of déjà vu? Webster describes the phenomena as:

1 a :  the illusion of remembering scenes and events when experienced for the first time  b :  a feeling that one has seen or heard something before

2:  something overly or unpleasantly familiar

 

I had a moment of déjà vu this morning – of the unpleasantly familiar variety.

When the phone rang this morning I was in the midst of knocking things off my ‘To Do’ list.  With only a week until pre-op and less than a handful more until I moved to OKC for transplant I was in the zone –

·        House picked up – Check

·        Cat taken to the vet – Check

·        Bedding washed, dried & bed made – Check, Check, Check

I was in the midst of tackling a closet when I got the call, it was my transplant nurse calling.  I was relieved she’d called, since I had thought of more transplant-related questions to pelt her with (the relief was that I didn’t have to make the call, if I rang her each time I thought of a question, she’d take her phone of the hook).  She identified herself, but that was the extent of the pleasantries. 

“I’ve got news Vanessa”, she said. “And it’s not good news.”……..   Déjà vu

Some of my donor’s recent, unrelated health tests had raised red flags among the transplant team.  For her protection, Megan is no longer a possible donor candidate…………………………………..…Déjà vu

Transplant Cancelled…………………. Déjà vu

At this point, were history true to form, I would fling myself across my bed sobbing and throw the Ultimate tantrum.

I’m really glad to say – No déjà vu

I haven’t thrown a single tantrum – Sure, I’ve shed my share of tears (I’m not Wonder Woman) – I’m disappointed, but not discouraged.  You wanna know what the most significant difference is between this time and two years ago?  My attitude (well, that, and not being in the midst of a bowel prep).   I’m not angry or disgruntled.  In the midst of my tears I was able to praise God.  My prayer since being accepted into the drug trial has been that the Lord would open and close doors as He saw fit.  Today He answered that prayer – not exactly the way I was expecting, but I am confident that this turn of events is not surprising to Him.  Now I’m praying for further guidance and that He’ll make clear the next open door I’m supposed to step through.  I am excited to see where God will lead me next. 

There have been a couple times today when I’ve been tempted to feel sorry for myself.  I passed the pile I’d designated OKC/transplant and had to think about dismantling the collection – It was that disheartening thought that marked my moment of greatest dismay --  when I knew God’s truth, but my trust was shaky, not steadfast – I asked God to supply me with hope.  I reached for the daily devotional calendar I’d packed and flipped to today’s verse – Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

God has given me hope – and when I start to start planning the invite list for my pity party God reminds of my many blessings!  Here are the ones I’m praising God for today…

·        I got the cancellation call before I started the bowel prep!

·        I have a lot of projects done, a clean house & time to finish my uncompleted projects.

·        I received the news on a busy day, I’ve had people & projects to distract me, as well as some personal time to collect my thoughts & talk things over with my Heavenly & earthly father.  Had I been at dialysis when the news came, I would have had a lot of time to dwell on why I was disappointed and no privacy.

·        The Lord may be protecting me from things I’ll never know about, perhaps He has a perfect match kidney for me, but regardless, He’s got a plan that is best for me!

 

Finally, I am so thankful for the change God has done in my heart!  Tonight, the feelings I have don’t bear any resemblance to those of two years ago.  I’m not angry or bitter, rather God has blessed me with joy, hope & peace!  I can only attribute that to the many faithful prayers of family & friends (and even strangers) and Christ’s faithfulness in answering those prayers!  Thank you for your love & support – please continue to pray for me as I eagerly await His guidance in this unexpected (not for Him) new path.

With Love & Many Thanks!

Vanessa

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Holding My Breath...

The white bleachers are hard as steel on my not-so steely buns, but tonight I don’t care.  It’s basketball homecoming!  From my high perch I have a great view of the homecoming candidates.  First the guys line up, then the girls.  I’m not sure if it’s the distance or my age, but boy they look young!   I cheer as all the names are read, but I can’t help but remember my name being read out on that court, the crown placed on my head & the sweet kiss on my cheek………..But wait, the announcer has named the homecoming court, but this year, apparently there’s a twist – the theme is Kiss the Girl and all men have been invited to plant kisses on the gals in their proximity.  All of a sudden dozens of eager lips (and the elderly men accompanying them) swarmed me.  As I politely smiled & turned my head for them to kiss my cheek –they went for my lips -- lips smacking, like hungry goldfish at feeding time!

And that’s when I woke up!

Now, if you’re anything like me (or maybe I’m just weird), but often I put life events to song.  Life really is so much more interesting as a musical.  Because of this most of you would naturally assume that the accompaniment of this story sequence would be The Little Mermaid’s – Kiss the Girl.  If that’s what you thought you would be…… dead wrong!  Jaws music, predatory horror film music – this was not a sweet dream it was a cold sweat nightmare – Jaws music included!

I haven’t had a school dream in ages and never one like this.  Usually when I’m in a time crunch or have stress I start having dreams about not getting homework in on time or not finishing a timed test.  But this one was different – when I woke up I had 2 thoughts – wow! I really need to brush my teeth (which I did), and Why weren’t there any guys my age lining up to kiss me? (a whole ‘nother topic for a later time).

It doesn’t take a dream analyst to tell me what my dream means – I know already.  I’m stressin’ a little.  I’ve got a long list of ‘to do’s’ and a short time in which to-do them.  Also, have you been to the store lately?  It’s like Germ-a-Palooza out there!  A cough here, a sneeze there, here a sniff, there a snot-rocket…. It’s every germ-a-phobe’s nightmare.  From an early age my mother taught me that the appropriate response to public displays of coughing & sneezing were to hold my breath and walk the other way.  I was at the store yesterday, after 15 minutes of shopping I almost needed resuscitation from holding my breath so long and I never got what I needed I had to keep walking in the opposite direction – I was exhausted, winded & grocery-less when  I left the store! 

Despite my best breath-holding efforts, I still acquired a cold!  So, while being kissed by the masses might be some girl’s dream – This germ-conscious girl gets chills thinking about it – and not the good kind! (cue the music for John Travolta’s ‘I’ve got chills…’ )

It’s pretty obvious that even my best efforts aren’t good enough… on my own.  It’s not the most comforting of thoughts for someone that likes thing neat, orderly & in my control.  But even in my most firm grasp on running my life – things slip through my fingers.  That’s why I’m so thankful that Christ has much bigger hands & His grasp is steady – He’s not frazzled when things don’t go the way I planned them!  Surrendering my control is a daily, sometimes hourly task for me. Knowing & trusting are two different things.  I know God’s plan for my life is the very best & that’s what I desire, but trusting Him in the midst of His plans when they’re different from my own… it’s scary, but it’s not a blind trust, I’m trusting in the One who is always trust-worthy – Trusting Christ sure beats holding my breath!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;   do not depend on your own understanding.  Seek His will in all you do,  and He will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5-6

I’ve been distracted lately…. And I like it!  Background noise and busyness have been terrific distractions.  But last night I got a big dose of quiet – ever found quiet disquieting?   When the distractions are stripped away I’m left with stillness and my thoughts and a riot of emotions.  If it truly was a hamster running my brain’s wheel, he’d be winded and dizzy.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against the thinking, but it’s the worry that often comes on those thoughts’ heels that I hate.  I spent a good measure of time confessing my fears to God last night.  I’m not without nervousness (and yes Jo, even a little freaked out at times), but the Lord is so amazingly generous with His peace, especially when I ask.  When I was done recounting my concerns and fears, they didn’t seem so daunting.  This morning I was having some anxiety before I left for dialysis – because it’s a new month I was anticipating a change in the nurse who would stick me – all the staff that care for me are excellent, but there’s a few that seem to have me more figured out.  I prayed and asked the Lord to please let me have K or P.  And then I prayed for strength, acceptance and a good attitude no matter what happened or who stuck me.  When I got to dialysis I had both K & P taking care of me and I had a good treatment – I suppose it might seem like a small thing, maybe even silly, but the Lord gladdened my heart so greatly!  I was reminded how very much He cares for me and concerns Himself with the things that concern me!  How awesome is that?  To know that He cares about the big & small things in my life – it encourages me!  Last two thoughts of the day are both borrowed…
Philippians 4:6-7  Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.  AND...