Have you ever had a moment of déjà vu? Webster describes the
phenomena as:
1 a :
the illusion of remembering scenes and events when experienced for the first
time b : a feeling
that one has seen or heard something before
2: something overly or
unpleasantly familiar
I had a moment of déjà vu this
morning – of the unpleasantly familiar variety.
When the phone rang this morning I
was in the midst of knocking things off my ‘To Do’ list. With only a week until pre-op and less than a
handful more until I moved to OKC for transplant I was in the zone –
·
House picked up – Check
·
Cat taken to the vet – Check
·
Bedding washed, dried & bed made
– Check, Check, Check
I was in the midst of tackling a closet when I got the call,
it was my transplant nurse calling. I
was relieved she’d called, since I had thought of more transplant-related
questions to pelt her with (the relief was that I didn’t have to make the call,
if I rang her each time I thought of a question, she’d take her phone of the
hook). She identified herself, but that
was the extent of the pleasantries.
“I’ve got news Vanessa”, she said. “And it’s not good news.”…….. Déjà vu
Some of my donor’s recent, unrelated health tests had raised
red flags among the transplant team. For
her protection, Megan is no longer a possible donor candidate…………………………………..…Déjà
vu
Transplant Cancelled…………………. Déjà vu
At this point, were history true to form, I would fling
myself across my bed sobbing and throw the Ultimate tantrum.
I’m really glad to say – No déjà vu
I haven’t thrown a single tantrum – Sure, I’ve shed my share
of tears (I’m not Wonder Woman) – I’m disappointed, but not discouraged. You wanna know what the most significant
difference is between this time and two years ago? My attitude (well, that, and not being in the
midst of a bowel prep). I’m not angry
or disgruntled. In the midst of my tears
I was able to praise God. My prayer
since being accepted into the drug trial has been that the Lord would open and
close doors as He saw fit. Today He
answered that prayer – not exactly the way I was expecting, but I am confident
that this turn of events is not surprising to Him. Now I’m praying for further guidance and that
He’ll make clear the next open door I’m supposed to step through. I am excited to see where God will lead me
next.
There have been a couple times today when I’ve been tempted
to feel sorry for myself. I passed the
pile I’d designated OKC/transplant and had to think about dismantling the
collection – It was that disheartening thought that marked my moment of
greatest dismay -- when I knew God’s
truth, but my trust was shaky, not steadfast – I asked God to supply me with
hope. I reached for the daily devotional
calendar I’d packed and flipped to today’s verse – Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope
and a future.
God has given me hope – and when I start to
start planning the invite list for my pity party God reminds of my many
blessings! Here are the ones I’m
praising God for today…
·
I got the cancellation call before I started the
bowel prep!
·
I have a lot of projects done, a clean house
& time to finish my uncompleted projects.
·
I received the news on a busy day, I’ve had
people & projects to distract me, as well as some personal time to collect
my thoughts & talk things over with my Heavenly & earthly father. Had I been at dialysis when the news came, I
would have had a lot of time to dwell on why I was disappointed and no privacy.
·
The Lord may be protecting me from things I’ll
never know about, perhaps He has a perfect match kidney for me, but regardless,
He’s got a plan that is best for me!
Finally, I am so thankful for the change
God has done in my heart! Tonight, the
feelings I have don’t bear any resemblance to those of two years ago. I’m not angry or bitter, rather God has
blessed me with joy, hope & peace! I
can only attribute that to the many faithful prayers of family & friends
(and even strangers) and Christ’s faithfulness in answering those prayers! Thank you for your love & support –
please continue to pray for me as I eagerly await His guidance in this
unexpected (not for Him) new path.
With Love & Many Thanks!
Vanessa
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