Potholes and Rerouted Plans

It’s finally time… time for me to dust off my keyboard and put digital pen to paper, and start blogging once more. There’s no better time than the present as I have things to say and news (of some importance), to share. I took a hiatus from writing regularly, because I didn’t wish to bore you with the mundane of everyday life I was out appreciatively living. This last leg of my life’s journey post-transplant has been pretty peaceful.

But once again I’m embarking on a new life adventure and I hope you’ll indulge my desire to share my journey with you!

I often joke that I would have made a tremendous Boy Scout as I live their motto, ‘Always be prepared.’ When I was still driving I practically ‘lived’ out of my car, such was the abundance of ‘necessary’ items I stashed in it. Now, I carry my contingency plan and necessary items with me wherever – 2 bag minimum. Friends compliment me when I can pare down to just one (plus a purse/wallet). But why wouldn’t I? They’ll thank me when they need a band aid, eye drops, fruit snacks or a fuzzy pair of socks! And doesn’t everyone have a pair of LulaRoe leggings and a battery back-up charger in their bag? I’m prepared, because it makes me comfortable (like wearing super snuggly leggings) and my preparedness allows me to be more self-reliant.

But there are times when you can’t plan for every contingency. For me, that time is now. I’ve had a pothole upset my smooth sailing (am I mixing metaphors?).

So, what happens when our contingency plans fall apart and my bag’s magical Mary Poppins properties dry up? Discomfort and RELIANCE. You see, it’s only when I’m able to relinquish my tight hold on my plans, contingencies and security blanket expectations that I free my hands up to grasp my Savior’s hand!

Hebrews 12:1-3  ‘…let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

I’ve been battling technical difficulties for some time. My body has been on the fritz – mouth sores and ulcers throughout my digestive tract, fatigue and flare ups of debilitating abdominal pain. I’m on a first name basis with the support staff at my doctors’ offices and I may (or may not) have funded several of my providers’ Spring Breaks. I’m practically one lost dog away from a country song.

I’ve begun to wonder if I would ever find answers or if my true underlying diagnosis would be that of ‘alarmist’ and ‘hypochondriac’.

This week, God supplied me with an answer. I have PTLD – Post Transplant Lymphoproliferative Disorder (believe it or not, that the shortened name). In a nutshell, I have lymphoma.

Take a moment to catch your breath if you need to  – I know I did.

What it boils down to is this. My immune suppression and the medications I take to keep my kidney healthy are causing my cancer. My cancer, this is one thing I’m not set on keeping.

 I wasn’t naïve about the risk factors associated with a transplant – my vision was a casualty of my last transplant and treatment regimen. But, it’s never gonna happen to me, right?

I’m okay. The Lord has been tremendously good to provide me with peace, calm and a measure of ‘soul anesthesia’. I’m not thrilled with this diagnosis – far from it. But as I process this unexpected news and prepare to share it publicly I’m reminded of the beauty of hindsight.

Lamentations 3:21-23 ‘Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.’

21/2 years ago I stood before my church family proclaiming God’s goodness at providing me with a kidney that I statistically had no chance of getting. I blogged effusively about my delight and awe at God’s miraculous work in my life and the gift of frequent potty breaks.

At that time I shared some of the lessons God had taught me in the time of waiting and the time of receiving. Here’s a few:

·       God’s faithfulness doesn’t change, even when my circumstance do.

·       He can be trusted with my future because He sees the whole picture,

·       He’s always right on time, no matter my impatience and misgivings

·       He goes with me through the difficult times – in my weakness His power is magnified!

I’d made notations on the note cards I used when sharing my testimony – one of those scribbles caught my attention this week while I pondered the past.

‘I never could have fathomed the journey God would set before me [in answer to my prayers]… I wouldn’t have chosen the struggles I faced along the way, but I thank God for them.’

So, I guess the real question is: do I still feel the same way? Absolutely!

To borrow a stanza from one of my favorite songs (Even If by Mercy Me):

It's easy to sing when there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say when I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

If I had the opportunity to do things differently, knowing what I do today I wouldn’t change a thing. God isn’t toying with me and I’m not the punch line of one big ‘cosmic joke’. Getting a kidney nearly 3 years ago was a long-awaited answer to prayer and a miraculous gift! It wasn’t dumb luck or good fortune then, just as it’s not coincidence or bad luck that I’m facing cancer now. I don’t know why this is the path Christ has set before me, but I do know that He is as faithful today as He was the day I got my new kidney and His faithfulness will continue long after I’m gone – He’s good that way. He didn’t give me an amazing gift of renewed health and life, just to let me dangle now.

Does that mean the road ahead will be easy? I suspect not. God never promised easy or comfort – He doesn’t owe me anything. But He promises to be my comforter, my anchor my stronghold and my salvation! Promises that give me hope and surpasses earthly comfort and good health!

Deuteronomy 31:6 ‘Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.’

I’m not sure what lies ahead for me, the more questions I have answered, the more arise that no amount of Googling will answer. I’m not immune to fear – the thought of losing my kidney terrifies me. And I’m prone to worry about things beyond my control. I may not be ‘normal’ (my momma calls me special), but I’m certainly given to human responses – I’m sure I’ll be tempted to host a humdinger of  a pity party (rational thoughts need not attend) and indulge an oh-so-dramatic tantrums (like a chubby girl with a dropped ice cream cone). Hey – I’m a work in progress!

But amidst all the swirling emotions, one thought stands out as being unique from my past ‘pothole’ experiences. Based on what I know of my Savior and what He’s shown me in the past - I’m excited. I’m excited to see how God will use this for my good and His glory!

I’m embarking on a new journey – an unplanned detour. But you know the cool thing about detours? They often offer the prettiest views.

That being said, I would so appreciate your prayers! Specifically for:

o   Wisdom and clarity

o   Peace, for myself and my family

o   Treatment balance and continued kidney health

o   That I would be a bold and willing testimony and encouragement for Christ

I leave you with some verses I’ve been especially encouraged by and a link to ‘Open Hands’ by Laura Story – a song I’ve had on loop the last few days. I want it to be my response in this, and every situation. I have a ways to go before I can say without reservation “I’m not afraid of what I’ll lose, my greatest joy is finding You”, I’m about 7/200^th of the way there, but it’s my goal and desire!

With love and gratitude,

Ness

2 Corinthians 4 (excerpts)  We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. ⁹ We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. ¹⁰ Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.¹¹ Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies.

⁶ That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are^[e] being renewed every day. ¹⁷ For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! ¹⁸ So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.