One Step Closer to Peritoneal Dialysis

Today I had my peritoneal catheter externalized.  On December 3rd I had the peritoneal catheter placed, during the surgical procedure, surgeons implanted the catheter into the peritoneal cavity and imbedded it into muscle tissue.  The rationale for imbedding the catheter and not leaving any outside of the body is so that the muscle tissue will grow around two cuffs and provide a strong anchor for the catheter. This was different than my first experience with peritoneal dialysis, so I found it very interesting.  The hope, is that with such a firm anchor and since the body has been introduced to the catheter there will be less incidence of infection  (call peritonitis).  With today's procedure they numbed the skin and palpated the abdomen (pushed on my stomach) to located the end of the catheter. Once that was located, it took some convincing, but finally the end was flipped out and attached to the connector tubing.  The whole procedure too less than 30 minutes -- it was relatively painless (slight stinging with the local and pressure flipping out the end).  So, now with the catheter coiled on my stomach I have a constant reminder that I will soon be able to begin the training for PD. 

Above, I've posted pictures of my prior to externalization and post externalization.  The first photo show the incision and endoscopic 'stab wounds' for implanting the catheter  the second photo show the catheter outside the body.  No stunt doubles were used :)

Be-ware of the Chair



Today was my 9th Hemo treatment.  Except for one day's bumpy treatment, the overall experience has been positive.  In the two & one half weeks I have been on dialysis I have lost 20 pounds and regained my ankles!!  Cankles - no more :)  And as my prednisone dosage is decreased I am beginning to gain my face back -- you, that thing with cheek bones and one chin (hmm, well I'm afraid I get ahead of my self -- I still have an abundance of chins, but anyhoo....)  One thing I will miss about Hemo is the sense of community.  For those of you who know me and what a shy, delicate thing I am.... you know it takes me a little while to warm up to a crowd.  but Christmas has allowed me to get to know the staff and other dialysis patrons a little better. 

So as I was saying I've really only had one treatment that made me question if I was cut out for hemodialysis.

It was a Friday, the weekend was just hours away and I was itching leave my recliner behind and start my weekend early.  I followed the routine, when I arrived I paged the nurse and was 'buzzed in',  I weighed and found my assigned chair.  Let me tell you about this chair, it's big and cushy with a great head pillow and a reclining footrest.  Total comfort, right?  Well, you decide for your self.  When I sauntered up to the chair it was in a yoga position, the down dog I believe, yep, I kid you not....  That should have been my first inkling of foreboding.  but no, innocently I helped the chair back into a resting position ( I'm just sure I heard it say 'thank you').  Events proceeded normally enough, standing blood pressure, sitting blood pressure, dressing change and IJ catheter hook up. With the exchange underway and the 31/2 hours slowly ticking down, I put up my feet and prepared to find the answer to that nagging question.... deal or no deal?  

All of a sudden a tickle surprised me and I had to cough.  The cough subsided and I returned to my mental edification.  All of a sudden a whistle blew - awhoooo awhoooo and an alarm sounded beep beep beep beep and along came the reinforcements.  Amidst the voices I gathered that my arterial pressure was high and flow was low - apparently neither of which is appreciated by the medical team (and following this exercise it doesn't sit well with me either).  Fluids were pushed, lines were crossed and I was reclined further -- so, now I told you about that big cushy head cushion -- for most persons of average height this would have been a head's dream, but for those of us whose feet don't quite reach the floor -- you'll understand when I say the head rest was just that, resting on (and above) my head. Little did I know that this would come in quite handy, nearly life saving. 

So back to the events at hand.  Pressures got regulated and tensions eased, but the rest of treatment I had to periodically cough to ease the elevated pressures -- imagine a vacuum hose getting sucked against a wall -- you have to wedge the hose away to ease the pressue -- it was similar with my IJ (interjugular) catheter when it suctioned against my chest wall.  I settled back into a frozen position, head facing to my left, hands folded in my lap, legs crossed, but a gal can only hold that position for so long when the legs MUST MOVE. So I casually shifted my weight and my world turned upside down.  The chair with no warning and no command from me began to tip, tip, tip back.  I held on for dear life and rode ' the beast'. Most folks have on chaps and spurs for the kinda ride I took.  When the chair came to a quivering standstill I took inventory of my person. feet- check -- hmm I don't recall them over my head... head - check -- well don't that beat all, I can see my reflection in the floor tiles.... And do you know?  That big cushly above head cushion kept me from sliding out of the chair!

The above facts are true. Actual events may have been exagerrated for the reader's enjoyment. No chairs were injured during the course of events.

Two new hook-ups and still no cable reception????

Since my last post, life events have been topsy-turvy.  I’ve been hesitant to put the month’s events into words, because well, I’ve been less than thrilled with the order of events…. I guess if I’m totally honest with myself and with you, my readers --- I’ve been pouting….   I’m sure spiritual pouting is as heinous to God as tantrums, neither of which are terribly grown up or mature…. I would like to interject here that the above is in past tense…. I am beyond the kicking and screaming and poochy-lip (most days) – I share these less-than stellar trials – because you can’t fully appreciate where I’m going until you’ve seen where I’ve been.  So – here’s my “reader beware” disclaimer – the events described below depict a real person, events described won’t be pretty – please locate designated exits, keep arms and legs inside vehicle at all times, stop, drop and roll…. Uh – yeah, you get the point J!

Thanksgiving was fabulous!  I spent the day with family and a fawey pwincess ;)  It was a blessed day – it also was the peak to a very low valley.  Friday brought with it a case of stomach flu – it layed me low and I couldn’t bounce back.  Nearly a week later – Thursday, December 2^nd with my most recent labs reflecting my ill health and the last living donor ruled out – I made  the call.  My nephrologist and I agreed that it was time for medical intervention.  By 2pm I was in the hospital, where I had an IJ catheter placed and by 10pm I’d had my first Hemo treatment.  On Friday, the third I went under general anesthesia to have a peritoneal catheter placed. 

Fast forward to the present – I’ve got 6 Hemo treatments under my belt, my PD catheter is floating around in my tummy and my incisions are all healing nicely and itching like crazy!  In the whole scheme of things the procedures I had were minor…..  But in my little piece of Ness-Ville  it rated a 7 on the richter scale.  I’m not one to make waves, I don’t like confrontation and when feasible I tend to go with the flow – BUT  the events, minor or not left me feeling dismayed, frustrated and wrestling with questions of “why”.  Why now?  Why this?  I seriously think I could have picked much better timing.  How does this timing work into God’s purpose for my life.  I never would have scheduled dialysis to occur two weeks into my new job or two weeks from Christmas.  

Do you have a firm grip of the whiner I can be?  It’s not pretty, I know – So let me move on --  I am less than thrilled to be on dialysisis – I didn’t want this and I definitely don’t like the timing – BUT here’s what I know….

               * God doesn’t make mistakes

               *God’s timing is perfect

               * God knows me, loves me, created me and desires His best for me

               * My life has purpose and even when I don’t know what it is – God Does

I have found amazing reassurance in the words of Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 – He had something in his life that He asked God to take from him, but when God didn’t remove it, Paul accepted it and sought to use it to God’s glory and his edification. 

So I’m choosing to trust God with my present and my future because He has proven His faithfulness in my past.  I am pocketing my poochy lip and instead filling my lips with His praise.  I don’t know what purpose dialysis achieves for eternity, but I want to be a pliable vessel .  I have chosen to focus on the positive possibilities.  Being on hemo dialysis hasn’t been nearly as bad as I imagined it to be.  3 days a week I have multiple hours to sit and think and its given me time to pray and talk to God and catch up on other errands.  I am being weaned off of some of my harsher medications and if I am off steroids long enough – I might be able to have a steroid free transplant!  The last week of December I will begin training for Peritoneal Dialysis and then I will be able to lead a nearly normal life in the daytime! 

So when it comes down to it – life is good –  I still tire easily, but I’m having more days where I feel good – I am blessed~  Thanks so much to those of you who are praying for me – I know that there is amazing power in prayer and I am encouraged and humbled by the outpouring of love from so many!!

2 Corinthians 12:7-10  Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

What's in a name?

What’s in a word?  Well, Shakespeare believed that the glorious perfume of a rose would be greatly diminished were it a…. skunkcabbage, boogerjowl or ninneygobbler.  I don’t know—does the signifigance truly lie in the word or our frame of reference?

In the life of a transplant patient (i..e. my life)  there are few words that strike a more powerful emotion as to make your heart drop to your heiny and your stomach lodge in your throat.  Rejection… yep, the ‘R’ word.  For over ten years I’ve been conditioned to dread and fear this possibility.  Now maybe if it were called fuzzychocolatebunnies or camero, hmm… no matter the name, the definition remains the same.

After last weeks Dr’s appt. I’ve been rolling another less-than-stellar word around my head – Dialysis.  I am blessed to have this treatment as a medical option – and while I am thankful for the option, I am not eager to undertake the challenge.  Because I am an adult, I get the task of making the grown-up decision about when and if to start dialysis and what type to pursue. 

So here’s what I think about Mr. Shakespeare theory – what’s in a name?   Forget the name and tackle the issue – yeah, maybe if I’d been conditioned to run when I wanted food I’d be a size 2 and miserable LOL, but God has given us the remarkable gift of experiences and free will.  So even though I have known anxiety, I also know God the Father.  He has a few other names too --  comforter, healer, great physician….. and He can fill my frame of reference with His peace that surpasses all understanding!  (Phil. 4:6-7)

A Call To Action

It's late and I know tomorrow I'll wish I had been more prudent, but the thoughts in my are louder than my fatigue right now.  Since my last post I've learned a good many life lessons.
* One - Statistics hold far more significance when they deal with life
* Two - Verbs are action-words -- Thus, these words should elicit ACTION...

I feel a little sheepish putting my thoughts to cyber-page.  After last week lauding the concept of waiting.  Yes, I believed it clever to relate my "waiting woes" in a watery-analogy.  Boy, howdy, am I glad that God loves us where we are, because sometimes I can be waist-high in stupidity!
What spurred this revelation? - -- one phone call....
     Friday afternoon I received the call that I was to be 'on alert' -- a kidney was available and I and another girl each had a 50% chance of being the recipient.  50/50 -- People bet on far less odds...
I'd like to say my first thought was excitement and gratitude -- it wasn't -- Actually, those thoughts didn't even register top three.  First thought -- ' I sure hope I have clean underwear',  and secondly, ' I really wish I'd cleaned my house'.... The next few hours I waited for a call that did not come.  But what did come was an amazing lesson.
Wait -- is a verb, but I've been treating it as a noun.  Just acting as a passive bystander casued me to be caught off-guard.  It got me to thinking how I need to be prepared mentally and physically -- to the best degree I know how.  So, yes, I do have a bag packed -- my undies are clean, my house is, hmm, getting cleaner (Rome wasn't built in a day, you know) -- but above all else, I'm working on my relationship with Christ -- taking time to worship Him while I'm waiting, Praise Him while I'm waiting.  So in His timing I can be the woman He desires me to be!
*on a side note -- I would ask that you pray for me as I actively wait for God's timing for a kidney and also for continued health and strength as I begin a new chapter in my professional life....  Thanks --V

Sink or Swim? Being Still or Still Waiting...

My keyboard’s keys have been quiet for a long time – what’s that you say?  Blessed respite?  Peaceful silence?  LOL… Well, in the words of my dear sister, I have been an “unfaithful tomato”….

This post is an update to those interested, but mostly it stands as a road-marker on my most current life’s journey.  

Since my most recent post I can tell you that….I know absolutely nothing more… *sigh*, not so exciting is it?  Now, I know that sounds cynical and self-defeating, and maybe that’s how I’ve felt during the first 28 days without news, but as each day passes I’m learning something….   P..a..t..i..e..n..c..e… Yes, for some it’s patience, but for me it really is P….a….t…  OK, you get the picture.  I’m the one who’s a little thick-skulled, not you ;)  

I’ve proclaimed a lot of ‘bits of wisdom’ and lessons God has brought to light in this journey, but perhaps the loudest, most persistent, and dare I say it, most positively aggravating, has been  WAIT.

I detest ‘anti-climax’ – the thrill of any thing worth-while (movie, skit, music, etc…)  is the crescendo leading to the pinnacle of all the work’s focus and then the big TADA! 

My ‘TADA’ went taSP-LAAT – My big crescendo landed a belly-buster!  

At the beginning of this journey I had expectations, of myself, of my doctors, my family/friends…. And of my God.  Eight months later, all my expectations have been blown outta-the-water. 

So,  to sum it all up…. I am waiting…  I don’t know for how long, but I am learning that waiting is work, it’s not my wish to wait, but it is my desire to be the person God wants me to become – and right now, that molding is coming from my learning to practice trust.  It’s like swimming (or my brand of buoyancy) The more I fight it, the faster I sink, but when I lie back and look up, I’m able to keep my head above water. J

Happily Ever After?!

Once upon a time there was a vertically challenged, curly-haired, chipmunk-cheeked princess named Dernesser.  She was good and sweet, but so very shy – so her closest friends were chipmunks who found her burgeoning cheeks beautiful.  One fine day while shopping in the village marketplace she found a silly porcelain frog – but before she could haggle with the merchant she caught her finger on a nearby spinning wheel and broke a nail.  Then the merchant demanded that she guess his name correctly before she could buy the frog.  Having a real knack for such mind games she quickly outwitted the merchant and kissed the frog (which was dumb, b/c it was a porcelain frog).  But a prince wandering in an adjacent shop saw here and was enchanted by her chipmunk cheeks – for he had teeth like beaver – and so the two married and lived happily ever aaa…… Okay -  aside from this being a totally absurd tangent of my imagination… I really do have a point.  Fairy tales have key ingredients that make us all want to live them.  There’s the heroine, the trials and/or villain and the hero bringing the promise of happiness and security.

When I was pondering this, I found that my own life has some similarities (and I’m not referring to the princess’ appearance)! J

Rough things happen, while this is a gross understatement, I know you get the picture.  Hurdles happen, valleys with shadows linger and fall-outs frustrate.  It’s messy, and complicated, this life I’m living & I’d wager you’ve hit a pothole a time or two.  But it’s not the villains that keep me glued to the pages of fairy-tale… it’s the journey and the prince and the “happily ever after”. 

Its easy to lose sight of the journey, when ensnared in self-doubt, self-pity, self-ishness – But there is an amazing King who wants to pull us out of the pit and He offers us “Happily Ever After” free!

Amonst the brambles and life’s struggles – blessings are born.  I know sometimes chronic illness can be a real drag, both for me and the ones around me.  I once said that “it doesn’t define me” – well, being sick may not be the definition of who I am, but the lessons I’m learning are definitely shaping my chipmunk-cheeked self.

Whoo…. It took all that to get to what I really wanted to say? Boy, howdy…

ATTENTION… IF YOU ARE ON TIME CONTRAINTS OR WISH FOR THE CLIFF NOTES BEGIN READING HERE!  Some pretty amazing blessings have emerged through my illness in the last few weeks, months and even years.  They are the beauty from ashes…

My relationship with my parents has grown, I am blessed by their love, and patience, and the gift of themselves and their time!  Truly, my parents are my best friends.  That alone would be blessing beyond my deserving, but God has further blessed me with the friends I’m surrounded by.  Did you know that every person in the office I work that was eligible—offered to be an organ donor?  Not only did God see fit to gift me with a job that I love – where I’m  allowed to exercise my many interests – but He brought me to a group of women who love me.  Yeah, we have our differences, but at the end of the day they’re the ones who put up with me and who cried the hardest when they learned that they were no longer a donor candidate.  Yeah – blessed doesn’t see adequate a word...

Perhaps the biggest blessing is one very special relationship – no, not some Prince ‘Beaverteeth’ (Lord-willing, someday – tho he need not resemble the aforementioned critter) – My walk with the Lord is strengthening, He has used this time to draw me to His self! 

Psalm 103:1-3

“Praise the LORD, O my soul;
       all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

Praise the LORD, O my soul,
       and forget not all his benefits-

who forgives all your sins
       and heals all your diseases…”

Under Construction

I put my waterproof mascara through the paces tonight.  It’s been coming for days, maybe even weeks, but tonight, the floodgates spilled over.  The disappointments of this past week have made me acutely aware of my own character flaws.  Just as a small thread come-undone can lead to an entire garment’s unraveling; small, seemingly insignificant events have lead to my unraveling.  If I didn’t know better I would bet that someone has slipped me some high-powered steroids – such has been my weepy demeanor.  Who is this bundle of raw nerves and frayed emotions?  Usually, I am pretty even-keeled and cheery – so cheery in fact, that on occasion I’ve been told to ‘dial down the happy’.
As my fatigue increase, so does my vulnerability.  I’m finding it more and more difficult to bounce back from the emotional blows.  This last week I found out that 2 potential donors have been ruled out. … Unraveling… I feel let down, not by the potential donors – I only feel love and gratitude for them,…. I thought I’d placed all my trust in Christ, but as I assess the impact tis news has had on me, I realize that I’d placed a measure of my trust in the process. 
As I survey the damages, a group of verses keeps coming to mind.

And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.  Romans 5:2-5
God can’t fix me, until I surrender to Him in my brokenness.  Don’t get me wrong – I am still going to have days when I need my waterproof mascara – I hate being so brittle.  But I am so incredibly excited by what I know God is doing in my life.  He is so faithful to use the mess that is me and use these experiences to His glory!  Some of the most beautiful things are products of intense stress (i.e. coal = diamonds,  pure gold is revealed through intense heat).  A very wise woman shared another illustration – Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were relieved of their bondage when they went into the firey furnace. 1Peter 1:6-7 gives me the hope that my struggles have purpose and I am striving to emerge on the other side of all my struggles -- a worker approved, a good and faithful servant.

1 Peter 1:6-7  In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

I’m so glad that God’s not finished with me yet – But while I’m ‘under construction’ I would ask you to please pray for my attitude - that it would be reflective of the God I serve and for my patience as I continue to wait on the Lord – as I wait for a kidney.

Catch Your Breath & Swallow Your Pride: Me vs. The Treadmill

As part of recent my work-up to qualify for transplantation I had to have a stress test (also known as a treadmill test).  The test began innocuously enough. Nursing staff, IV start, blood pressure cuff… but that’s where routine left the building.   

I should interject here that I’m a firm believer in being well-studied for tests, so I prepared for this one the best I could… Weeks before the test I quizzed every person I knew who’d had the test – the list of people was a sum total of….zero.  Apparently, I have very healthy friends. J But then my queries yielded a co-worker whose mother had completed a treadmill test.  The experience that had been told to her was dramatically re-told to me.  This woman, in her mid to late 70’s was a rock-star.  She just kept killin’ each intensity increase.  I had this image, of a calm, cool, collected – Super elderly woman, just passing the test like it was a walk in the park. Well, I may not be the most athletic, but surely I had youth on my side!  If Super-Grams could do it, I could do it better – bring it on!

Once I was harnassed to the heart leads and  BP cuff, I mounted the treadmill with confidence.  Each increment was 3 minutes in length and at the end of each, upon my approval, the machine would increase in speed and elevation.  As I voiced my understanding, the test began.  *Yawn* With the first increment underway, my enthusiasm and confidence mounted.  I congratulated myself, “Huh, I thought I was out of shape, but this is a breeze.” At the end of 3 minutes the tech asked me if I was ready for increased intensity. I perkily agreed.  With that the elevation and speed increased.  Again, I thought, “Man, what is all the fuss about?  I can go like this for hours, but its SOOO boring, hmmm I wonder what’s for supper.” As the 2^nd 3-min. phase neared completion – the question was put to me – was I ready for greater intensity?  “Oh, Yeah”  With that, my tread surface elevated to near 45 degrees and I began a spritely skip-walk.  “Okay, so this isn’t so fun, but, if Super-Gram could do it – I most definitely can!”  I played it cool, as I gripped the hand-hold white-knuckled.  Again, 3 minutes ended, but not nearly as fast this time.  Giving the go-ahead this time was a little more difficult as I bear-hugged the hand-hold to keep from sliding down the speeding conveyor.  I did my best to play it cool, I think I even smiled (you know that look dogs give you when their lips are stuck to their teeth?).  I was no longer bored, in fact, when I wasn’t imagining doing a face plant on the conveyor of death, I thought of air – and how nice it would be to have some….. As I tried to maintain my composure, I *gasp* let them *gasp* know that *gasp* needed OFF!!  I was then given the news that I had to go one more minute…. I believe this is how the test became known as a ‘stress’ test.  In that minute the tech cheered me on, all the while I imagine he was praying I wouldn’t let go and land in a sweaty heap atop him.   The test did finally come to an end and I tried to catch my breath and maintain a shred of my dignity.  The question was put to me “Did you stop because you were short of breath?” “No *gulp, gasp*”, I replied, “My *huff* legs hurt *sigh*”.

Okay, so what’s the point to my story?  Well, apart from revealing my less-than-stellar running ability… While I was regaling an “audience” with my dramatized version of my experience, I was searching for a lesson in it all.  And there it was, staring me in the face – Pride.  It’s a short little word, but so very tricky.  There’s a verse in the Bible that says ‘pride goes before the fall’.  In this instance, when I tried to one-up and saw my abilities as being superior to Super-Gram’s I was prideful and I most literally, nearly fell. 

My experience led me to look for Biblical examples of pride.  Two characters named Annanias & Sapphira, fit the bill.  In Acts 4 & 5 it talks about the new church coming together to help the less fortunate among them.  Upon selling their land or homes, generous members of the church body would donate the whole of their earnings to the church.  Though they gave without desiring recognition, I’m sure there was talk and whispers, “did you hear what a wonderful thing…”.  Annanias and Sapphira were a married couple that wanted their 15 minutes of fame too.  But they had a dilemma  … If they gave all the money to the church, they wouldn’t have the money.  So they devised a plan to give some of the money (okay, here’s the clincher…) and  tell the church it was the total profit. 

Here’s where pride entered the equation.  A & S wanted the glory, but were unwilling to part with all the riches.  There was no rule that they had to give all or any of the profits to the church – but they wanted to save face and be exalted by their peers.  Okay, so, pride not only ‘goes before the fall’, but in A&S’s case, it actually led to their final fall – death.

Though my pride didn’t lead to my death – it can lead to spiritual death.  When I begin to trust my own abilities and ‘run’ without God’s guidance – I wind up in one clumsy, sweaty heap.  

* Please Note:  No treadmill techs were injured during this test or upon its completion.

Warrior Upstaged by Tent Peg & Hammer-Wielding Woman

I can’t get this thought out of my mind… performing a task well with conditions, lacks the merit and rewards of performing the right task, obediently. 

Judges 4 describes the state of the Israelite nation.  They’ve become selfish, self-seeking and sinful.  Because of their sins,  God allows other nations to conquer and oppress them.  It is during one of these times that the judge Deborah is appointed by God to make the Israelites mindful of their sins and turn the nation back to God.  Deborah enlists the warrior Barak (not Obama) to lead the army against King Jabin’s armies and their squadron leader – Sisera. 

Here’s what I found so profound & self-applicable – Barak’s response to Deborah is to set forth his own conditions.  Judges 4:8 Barak said to her, "If you go with me, I will go; but if you don't go with me, I won't go."

So this Barak character – He’s one bad dude, right? Where he walks the ground thunders, when he talks, people listen & when he wages war…. He takes a girl!??!  It’s easy to pick on Barak, but the more I pondered this passage, the more I identified with this warrior.  His puny faith was evident when he took God’s command as a suggestion and shot back with a counter offer.  In our own lives it’s easy to hide our insecurities behind bravado – dig our heels in stubbornly in an effort to get God’s favor with the least amount of effort.

Not only must it make God sad, when we question His plan for our life, but we miss out on the best He had for us.  Take a look…

In Judges 4:9 Deborah responds to Barak’s bargaining …”I will go with you {Barak}. But because of the way you are going about this, the honor will not be yours, for the LORD will hand Sisera over to a woman."

The battle was won by Barak’s armies and not a single foe was left alive, except for Sisera – when he saw that the battle was a bust, he took off, seeking safety in the tent of Jael.  Sisera was exhausted and fell asleep in Jael’s tent.  While he was sleeping Jael hammered a tent peg through his temple – it might be obvious, but, Sisera died.  God had indeed given the honor of Sisera’s defeat/death to the woman Jael.

God has used this story to show me how His ways are always the best and He desires to bless us.  Too often my own insecurities, lack of faith and laziness cause me to think my own ways are better.  Following God half-heartedly or heeding His commands with a few exceptions is like leaving the house in my underwear – the actions’ “half” right, but everything about the end result is SO WRONG!

Following God’s commands when, where, and how He’s instructed – leads to a closer relationship with Him and God’s best for our lives.

Obeying God’s commands, but following our own specifications for accomplishing the task – Leads to heartache and you might just get shown up by a GIRL!

The life of a living donor

It was suggested that I explain a little about organ donation and the living-donor process (thanks Elizabeth) -- I appreciate the curiosity and desire for more info -- please don't hesitate to keep the questions coming.  Also, if its not too presumptious of me, I would ask that you share this site with anyone you think could benefit from this blog (i.e. a fellow renal failure pt. or just a curious person)  Thanks :)
Organ donation is becoming populationmore prevalent.  With the rise in co-morbidities (i.e. diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure, etc...) and an aging kidney failure is on the rise.  The following information is a compilation of my own first-hand knowledge and educational (reputable)websites.  I will do my best to link this page to them.

Organs for donation are procured from two types of donors -- deceased and living.  My own experience lends itself to living donation, so thtat's the info I'll supply.

What is living donation?

Living donation takes place when a living person donates an organ (or part of an organ) for transplantation to another person. The living donor can be a family member, such as a parent, child, brother or sister (living related donation).
Living donation can also come from someone who is emotionally related to the recipient, such as a good friend, spouse or an in-law (living unrelated donation).
In some cases, living donation may even be from a stranger, which is called nondirected donation.Living Donor Info

To the best of my understanding -- a living donor is the most preferred method of organ procurement.  As my surgeon explains it, a living donor organ is "perfect" -- the donor that passes the tests put forth and eventrually donates is in pristine health.  A deceased donated organ is less perfect, b/c it has had "lag" time -- time for procurement and transport and the donor's health history is not scrutinized at such a micro-level.
The first step for any interested person, pursuing the prospect of donating an organ is to fill out a multi-page health survey.  The questionnaire provides health providers a basic way to eliminate any questionable candidates.
What eliminates your cchances of being a donor?  A health history that includes diabetes, high blood pressure, an extremely elevated BMI (body mass index) (with no willingness to lose weight) or a BMI less than 18.
If you pass the initial question phase -- a blood test is obtained to establish the potenial donor and recipient.  I am B positive, other blood types include AB,A, and O.  The blood types that match with B+ include B+, O, and certain persons with A+.
If your blood type is a match to the recipient, more extensive blood work is done.  This tests for possible transferable illnesses (i.e. CMV, HIV, Hepatitis, etc...) and it also evaluates the antigen matches.  There are 6 antigens with the possibility of matching.  Since ten years ago, when I was first transplanted -- the use of antigen matching is largely overlooked -- I'm told that the worst antigen match (i.e. 1/6) from a living donor is better than the best antigen match
(i.e 6/6) from a deceased donor.
After all the lab work, if a person is still "in the running" they have some routine "preop" testing. Chest x-ray, EKG, and IVP (this is a test to evaluate the flow of urine  from kidneys to ureters to bladder -- it evaluates the anatomical structures and appropriate functioning).  Usually the results are aquired within 24 hours and the specific donor nurse coordinator will contact you with results.  After a surgeon makes the final analysis you will receive the news that you are either still a candidate, or you're results are incompatible with donating.
Unless, your anatomy cannot be clearly viewed with the previous tests -- one of the final tests includes a psychiatric evaluation and an MRI/MRA of the kidneys.
There is a lot of effort put forth by the transplant team (and mandated by government powers that be) to avoid even the appearance of coerscion (sp?).  The potential donor and recient are cared for by different staff members.  Privacy is maintained throuhout.  In fact, this has been a bit of a frustration to me -- b/c my nurse cannot tell me who has offered to donate, who's a match or any other pieces of info that would put pt. info in jeopardy.  The potential donor is welcome to share this info with the recipient if they are comfortable to do so.  One very nice thing about the anonymity, is that it lessens the pressure a potential donor may feel.  I, as the recipient will know only as much as you, the donor would choose to share.  The psych eval assesses the donor's mental status and evaluates their motivation for wanting to give such a large gift of themselves.
Finally, if you've passed all the above testing (which sounds like a lot, but actually most can be done within 2-3 visits) and still feel strongly about giving - you will meet with the transplant surgeon and nephrologist.  Then comes the actual procedure.  Most donors are able to have their kidney removed laparoscopically (3-4 tiny incisions) and the average donor is ready to return to normal activity within 2 weeks post-procedure.
Each donor will have a few follow-up appts.  b/c the donor's health is just as important as the recipients and is treated as so.
So thats the process.... its pretty straight forward on paper, but the whole process involves a myriad of emotions, time and testing.  On a personal note -- the bond my donor and I share is amazing -- It is overwhelming humbling of an experience to receive such a genuine, selfless gift of the donor's time and self.  It reminds me of the very first example of organ donation -- Jesus Christ offering each of us a new, clean heart with Him in residence.  I am wholly unworthy of that gift also, but I accept it with infinite gratitude, appreciation and humility!
One last important note:  An organ donor does not acrue any of the medical costs -- the recipient's insurance covers the testing, doctor visits, surgery and hospital stay.  The only cost to the donor is travel costs and the time off from work.
THanks for your interest --- being an organ donor isn't for everyone -- its something that should be cocnsidered with great care, taking into consideration your responsibilities, etc... But if this explanation has sparked your interest  I would be happy to supply you with more educational materials or links to credible websites. :)
-- V

Will the real Vanessa please stand up?

A hard look at what’s behind the mask...

Who am I?  Who have I become?  Who do I want to be?  Perhaps, these are all valid questions… I’ve always heard, “you are what you eat” and “show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are”.  Again, clever clichés…   So to sum this all up ….. yeah, I know, shallow questions, empty words. …Empty… that’s how it feels to be numb.  You, see, numbness is one piece of a very intricate mask I’ve been hiding behind.  Numbness softens the blow of undesirable news, it shields fragile pride and bolsters ego.  This defense, my defense, is impervious to pain…  Clever, isn’t it?  There’s only one flaw – a chink in my armor… Numbness dulls life’s many inconveniences, but it also squelches the many joys life offers.

I no longer am satisfied to bury, eat, or otherwise ignore my true feelings.  The cost is too great!

For me to take honest introspection I’ve had to allow the mask to fall away and begin the painful process of stripping away the façade.

I have to be honest, my initial response to this process is to turn away; I am so much more comfortable living half truths – sarcasm, humor, and candy-coating create more “marketable” news and mask my true feelings.

As I write this the first clarity and truth of the situation screams at me…  It sounds so very much like “I”.  I’ve misplaced my focus… Every question, statement and self-pitying sigh has led with “I”. 

The moment I lost my focus, I lost touch with what matters!  I bought the lies – “you have every right to feel sorry for yourself”, “sharing your feelings would only burden others”, “being self-sufficient is a gift you give, asking for help is weak”.  My heart breaks with sorrow and shame…. And the chink in my armor grows to a fault line.  I’ve been asking the wrong questions, but now I ask “Who is the woman GOD wants me to be?  How can God use my life for HIS glory?  How can I serve God with my life?

Praise God for His faithfulness!  In spite of myself He is faithful to draw me back to Himself and minister to my thirsty soul through His Word and the words of His children.

My previous posts have been genuine, I truly believe that I serve a risen Savior, who is the Great Physician and capable of healing me.  My desire has been to use my illness and life experiences to glorify God and encourage others.  I talked a good talk, but I’m realizing how very out-of-shape my walk has been. 

A message series based on putting God first caught my attention recently.  The scripture was from Matthew 6:25-32.  Jesus is questioning why we worry about things that He is so faithful in providing for even the birds off the air (food, clothes, etc…)  The point made was that when we worry we consciously place God in the back seat – letting our pride/ego tell us that we can handle things so much better.  WOW!  This spoke so powerfully to my heart.  By creating my shield of apathy – I was making the conscious decision that I could handle things better – A very, very big mistake and it’s very clear to me how wrong I was. 

Like my physical health, my spiritual health has been suffering, but I am choosing to place God in control of both aspects of my life – and I am striving to do my part to be a good steward of my physical and spiritual health.  Fatigue still clamors for a foothold, but I am claiming Isaiah 40:30-31, (“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall, but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, then will walk and not be faint”)  and trusting God for my endurance.  I am making a conscious effort to spend time reading His word, praying and looking for opportunities to place Him First.

So as I allow God to strip away my puny pretenses of armor, I will take shelter in the protection of His outstretched arms (Psalm 27:5 “For in the day of trouble He will keep me safe in His dwelling; He will hide me in the shelter of His tabernacle and set me high upon a rock..”).

One final thought…  I was reading a (very wise) friend’s blog recently and a snippet of her profile sparked my interest.  She described her life’s mission -- “to seek God with all my heart and find Him….”. God has used those heartfelt words to ignite a similar desire within my own heart.  But did you notice – here’s what God keeps so lovingly (but oh, so persistently) pointing out to me.  To know God comes from seeking – seeking implies an action…  I can no longer be content to rest on my head knowledge, or ride the “high” of a past relationship.  Its all or nothing – Nothing sucks; – literally, its void of the joy that comes from an intimate relationship with Christ.  I’m choosing Him, not blindly, on a tangent or a whim.  Immersing my whole heart into this relationship is scary, but I know that this relationship is worth all I have to give! 

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He will make your paths straight.

Note: I've been undecided about posting this entry from my journal -- Iike spandex, this post shows my flaws in a brutal light.  I'm not proud of my struggles -- my spiritual blunders aren't inspiring, but perhaps, you can relate.  It is my prayer that God will use my experiences and the example of His AWE-Mazing Grace & Mercy & forgiveness to encourage you and hopefully, help you to avoid some of the mistakes I've made.  God Bless You!

--V

Retro Post: August Health Update

I've been asked to give an update... to share what I know.... hmm that's a loaded statement I know :)  Alas, regardless of your thoughts on that.....
I'm learning a lot about myself and how I choose to live life.  I'm less tolerant of bull - the drama so often employed to skirt around issues and making assumptions about things that have abolutely no foundation.  That dance is way too exhasting and I'd rather spend my time and energy on things of substance and purpose.  I've also cut through some of my own inhibitions. Naturally shy, there have been numerous occasions when I've missed opportunities to lift someone up b/c I was afraid I'd appear silly.  I'm spending more time with family and making efforts to live withot regrets -- telling those dear to me, how precious they are. At the beginning of all this I decided that I would make it an opportunity to give God all the glory and to be purposeful through and in spite of my struggles.  I'm sorry to say that in recent weeks I've lost sight of that mission.  I've learned that fatigue leads to apathy and apathy leads to vulnerability. I have a real distaste for pity. But I've been doing a swell job feeling sorry for myself.  Maybe you noticed, like I did -- it's when I shifted my focus from God, to me that the trouble began.  I love a good party, but a pity party for one is a super waste of my time!  But, my God is oh, so AWE-Some and my freinds and family are so faithful in praying for me that I can rejoice along  with the Psalmist, and say " He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." (Psalm 40:2)
On the kidney front....not too much news... My kidney c   ontinues to fail at a rapid rate -- once again proving that I just don't play by the medical communities' rule book.  The more my kidney fails, the more I appreciate the healthy time I was blessed with.  I have good days and bad days -- today was a good day. (Thank you Jesus).  I am blessed to have super supportive family -- they put up with me, even on days I can't stand myself, and love me inspite of me!  My friends, church and work family are a rare blessing as they encourage me and help to alleviate some of my stress by shouldering some of my responsibilities.  Perhaps, one of the hardest things I've had to take a hiatus from is my Jr./Sr. Sunday School class.  But I am so thankful to know they are in good hands -- the Lord's and our Pastors :)
After this week I shold have a better idea of what the future holds for me.... I am hopeful a transplant is in my near future -- I long to be energetic, healthy and cheerful and I've found all these things to be more difficult when I don't feel good.  So, I hope I haven't been too much of a downer -- I guess I should put a warning in the title line.... When I strip away all the minor inconviences and health grievances I'm left with amazing insight and blessings!  Life is short, live it with purpose, live to love others and let Christ lead!

Donor "Pick-up Lines"!???

Maybe you noticed my postings this last week. Pretty innocuous, I know, but I wanted to be sure of my facts before I spilled the news. Disappointment has been my close companion this weekend… I was given the news that my kidney’s on it’s way out. Uh, what? Well, it means I need to start the workup for re-transplantation… I had a sense that this was coming… this past year has been rocky – one intervention followed by another. So when the docs stop talking intervention…. Yeah, I had an idea, but as long as the topic was unspoken I could assume the role of happy ignorance.
I’ve been wrestling with my feelings at this news. More than anything I struggle with the inconvenience & uncertainty of it all. Transplantation isn’t foreign to me – Since June 2000 I’ve proudly dealt in spare parts
The docs are really encouraging me to look for a living donor before they put me on the “list”. I shared this with my mom – who was skeptical… Apparently she wonders how I plan to ask someone for a kidney, when I dislike asking for a ride… Hmm, she has a point… So, I’ve come up with a few ideas (plus a few suggestions from friends )

1. The comedic approach: To my facebook friends --- So – just how good of a friend are you???
2. My Pastor’s suggestion – Give ‘em an option (Win Win): Hey can I get a ride or maybe a kidney? Which ever works better for you…
3. The Educational Approach: Hey did you know that this month is organ donor awareness month? What a perfect opportunity for first hand experience….
4. My father’s suggestion: Did you know you have two kidneys? God gave you two so you could share one….
None of them seem quite right – I’ve heard of bad pick-up lines, but these are forging a whole new level of ridiculous…

So really, what’s my point in all of this? Well, news spreads fast & I’ve had a lot of questions and concerns. So there’s the scoop as I know it..I have been disappointed; to say otherwise would be dishonest. But through my disappointments God has been faithful. He’s wrapped me in the loving arms of friends and family and surrounded me with the prayers of those I love. It’s times like these that God reminds me of His sovereignty. And He does it in such unexpected ways. It’s occurred to me that a lot of my fears have been tied to the unknown – how will this affect work, my family, life as I know it, etc… I get so wrapped up planning life, but what’s unknown to me is so very well known by my Lord. He knows me, He created me & He knows the intricacies of my life Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” What an amazing promise!
So, as I embark on this new chapter I continue to claim Rom. 12:12 – Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction & faithful in prayer. I find joy in knowing that God can use my experiences o encourage others. I’m a work in progress when it comes to patience And I am so blessed by those who lift me up in their prayers. I appreciate your prayers & words of encouragement & love more than I can put into words – Thanks so much!

Introductions -- Saran Wrap Use Number 53...

Hey Ya'll!  If you're reading this you've either stumbled upon my page by accident or on purpose -- whatever the circumstance -- Wecome!  I invite you to join me as I embark on a journey towards kidney transplantation.  Whether you've been in my shoes, love someone that's walked this path, are one of my cherished friends/family or just curious... buckle up... the trip's bumpy, the terrain's a little rugged and my shoes are a little worn -- but I have the most amazing guide in the driver's seat -- With Jesus Christ as my co-captain the rewards are in the experiences!!! (okay, I know, a lot of mixed metaphors ---keep up ;D )
So, a little background to get things started...
I'm a ten year "transplant veteran" -- In 2000 I received a living related kidney.  I was diagnosed with ureteral obstruction as a young child, unfortunately, this came late on the heels of previous misdiagnosis.  It was also discovered that I had only one kidney (it was surmised that I was born with only one native kidney).  Following several years of diet-controlled Chronic Renal Failure (CRF) I started peritoneal dialysis (PD).  Following 4 years of PD -- which was a fantastic experience (and a great enforcer of curfew LOL), I received a new kidney.  This kidney has provided me with freedom.  In the tens years I've had it, I've visited Europe, graduated HS and college, embarked on a career... In short -- I've LIVED!  I have been so richly blessed by the experiences and my life has been enriched by the many lessons I've learned along the way.
For example...
* The traditional cowboy phrase may be "don't squat with yer spurs on", but I found it equally helpful to camp within the 6ft dialysis cord-length next to the bathroom :)
* Saran Wrap works great as water-proofing -- but it squeaks when wet  (Every seen the "Mummy" -- need I say more?)
* Cyclosporine is a great bug repellant :)

Yep, I've learned a lot...  Now I'm learning how things work on the other side of transplantation.  In March I learned that I was beginning to experience CRF again and needed to begin the steps for re-transplantation.  That brings us to the present.... This blog spot will chronicle my experiences in the hope that I can help others experiencing similar situations.  I welcome questions... It is my goal to be authentic and honest -- some days are better than others -- but through it all I cling to the knowledge that God is in control, He loves me and He may not see fit to remove my obstacles from me -- but He will help me through them!  The 1st few posts may be incorrectly dated b/c I've decided to share some of my journaling from March to present....
Romans 12:12 - "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer".
--V