Memorable Milestones: Weeks 6&7 Post Transplant

Last week to celebrate my 6-week kidney anniversary I saddled up – well, actually, there was no horse and no saddle, but there were stirrups… At the time of my transplant, due to a history of obstructive uropathy and a narrowing of the donor ureter I had a ureteral stent implanted.  Apparently 6 weeks is the prime time for removal – so I spent an awkward morning in the Urologist’s office.  I’ve had the procedure done countless times, but the significant difference this time was that I was awake for all the goings-ons.  I was assured by the surgeon/urologist that the procedure was ‘well-tolerated’

His reassurance did little to stem my skepticism.  Looking for a more accurate account of what to expect I questioned the nurse getting me prepped.  ‘Well, its like getting a catheter, but A LOT deeper.  Have you ever had clamps during a well-woman visit? Yeah, it’s a little like that. But no one ever jumps off the table.’ 

Right-O, no table-jumping, small comfort - right about then I was looking for a Valium to accompany my oral antibiotic – Perhaps she (and subsequently her patients) could benefit from a crash course on ‘How Not To Freak Out Your Patients’.  I’ve been fully alert while a surgeon stuck his hand into my open abdominal wound probing for the muscle layer and didn’t leap off the table – I didn’t know it was an option.

So there I sat *cough* umm lay, alone, waiting for the numbing gel to take effect and ponder the calm reassurances I’d been given.

All told, I spent about an hour in the office and the procedure took about 2 minutes. It turned out to be anticlimactic. With the nurse’s procedural preparation I had located all my escape routes, intending to keep leaping off the table among my options.  But truly, aside from some slight discomfort, the procedure was breezy, I mean, a breeze! And even better, was the news that my bladder and ureter looked good and my lab work from the previous week was holding steady! (Yeah, a healthy kidney puts little nuisances like stent removal and stirrups into perspective) J

Not trying to top my 6-week ‘celebration’, I only planned my weekly lab draw to mark my 7-week milestone.  In the previous six weeks of weekly lab draws I’ve had to be stuck 7 times total (if you’re doing the math, that’s only one failed attempt – not bad for the girl with spindly veins). Now, after yesterday’s 7^th-week blood draw I’ve been stuck an additional 4 times.

‘It’s like trying to get blood from a turnip…’  I’ve said this a time or two, but it wasn’t until this week that I truly identified with said turnip. The first attempt was mildly successful – the lab tech successfully filled a few tubes, but with each tube she attached to(and then removed from) the vaccutainer she would alternately push and pull the needle enough that she finally dislodged it – no more blood. She dug around for awhile, trying unsuccessfully to reclaim my well-source. I finally informed her that I was wimpy and wouldn’t tolerate digging for an extended length of time.  She was really astute at taking my non-too-subtle hint and tried a different sized needle with even less success.  My no-digging policy must have been a tad-bit intimidating, because she wasn’t going to see if a third time was a charm, instead she called a second tech in - different needle, different vein, same unsuccessful outcome. Finally, they called in tech number 3, who interestingly enough, remembered me from my early lab draw days with my first transplant (Ah, the voice of at least 14 years’ experience, things were looking up). She detoured to my hand (when you only have one arm to offer, the options are limited, I was just glad they weren’t asking me to take off my shoes). Nancy and my hand proved a successful, less turnip-py avenue, as she coaxed enough blood flow for 2 more purple top tubes – YAY!

Each of the ladies were super-kind and every sympathetic – not a one made me feel guilty for having made their job more difficult, only lamenting what a tough way for me to start my morning.  It definitely wasn’t as smooth and easy as I’d like, and I’ll definitely have more sympathy for turnips in the future, but again, a healthy kidney makes such inconveniences just that – inconvenient, but not intolerable. J And it reminded me of the freedom I’ve had from dialysis (at least 6 needle sticks/wk) for 7 weeks – What an absolute blessing!  I sure miss the social aspect and ministry at dialysis, along with my friendships with the nurses, techs and fellow patients, and I can appreciate the life-maintaining treatment and many lessons God taught me through my time on dialysis, but I cannot, CAN NOT find any part of me that misses those 15 gauge needles, three hour therapies or side effects! God has blessed me so far beyond anything I could have fathomed or am deserving of – What a generous Heavenly Father!  

Psalm 100:1-5

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
²     Worship the Lord with gladness;
    come before him with joyful songs.
³ Know that the Lord is God.
    It is he who made us, and we are his^[a];
    we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

⁴ Enter his gates with thanksgiving
    and his courts with praise;
    give thanks to him and praise his name.
⁵ For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
    his faithfulness continues through all generations.

 

Psalm 103:1-5 

Praise the Lord, my soul;
    all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
² Praise the Lord, my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits—
³ who forgives all your sins
    and heals all your diseases,
⁴ who redeems your life from the pit
    and crowns you with love and compassion,
⁵ who satisfies your desires with good things
    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

Approaching Normal

Wow! I can't believe it's been three weeks since my transplant!  I had my first nearly normal socialization this week - an outdoor pool party.  The transplant team had some major reservations about my attendance, but being that the setting was outdoors, they considered my request, I had to do some major cajoling, bargaining and finally, after promising them all, but my first born, they conceded.  I promised I would be as pasty-white leaving the pool party as when I arrived (slathered on the SPF50 and dressed for fall) to combat my new photosensitivity. I also promised that all parts of me would avoid the pool and I wouldn't eat any food (that whole germ/ buffet concern).  A lot of conditions but it was SO worth it!

Getting used to a new normal hasn't been a seamless transition - I'm still getting used to a new routine - keeping close tabs on my vitals, drinking enough to make a camel proud (and also be the envy of every dialysis patient), steering clear of people (air hugs just aren't as satisfying as a real squeeze) and getting weekly lab work.  Speaking of lab work - just a quick bit of friendly advice to any medical service providers - telling your perspective pin cushion, 2 weeks post transplant (and massive steroid infusions) that she is potentially ruining your day because she is a difficult stick is just a tad bit insensitive, not to mention short-sighted - Her spindly veins aren't there to spite you, I'm pretty sure she likes being a 'difficult' patient far more than you do! Okay, rant over.
So, even though there's been (and will continue to be) an adjustment phase and learning curve to my new normal, it's been very do-able.  My first transplant has been my measuring stick, by which I seem to compare all my current experiences to - so in regard to the first time around, this time is a cake-walk.  And while I'd credit some of that to previous life experience, a nursing degree and greater maturity (no comments please - let a girl have her fantasy) - I know that the real reason things have gone as they have is because of God's mercy, hand of protection, gift of wisdom and Christ honoring the prayers of so many!   

Surgery Updates - Retro Entries

It's been ages since I had anything really newsworthy to blog about.  But in the last 3 weeks I've had much to praise God about and much to report.  Below are updates I posted to on a private updates page for family/friends. I've dated them and put them in chronological order.

August 5, 2014

Hi! I would especially appreciate your prayers today, there's a potential kidney in the works! Please pray for our peace and wisdom. Trusting that God has set before me the path that's best for me, even though I don't know what the plans are He does! Thanks in advance for all your prayers – God has blessed me so greatly already through the many prayers of family and friends!

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Just a quick update – transplant, Lord willing, is scheduled for tomorrow! Lord is good and greatly to be praise!, right now I'm getting my IV IG infusion and hoping to catch a few winks before my early morning – will appreciate your prayers very much! Thank you, I could feel the blessing of the prayers throughout the day with the calm the Lord provided for me and my family! Please continue to pray for my family the doctors and for the family who lost someone today that was so selfless to provide me with this gift!

 

August 6, 2014

It's been a long day followed by a long night. I finished my immune suppression infusion at 1:30 this morning and then had to take a beta dine shower – PS any photos posted here after require bad hair day grace– in my hurry to get here today I omitted all hair products... It's so amazing how God has worked all this together in his timing– so much better than I could ever planned! I hope to write about it one day when I'm not under the influence of Benadryl and steroids  but let me just say what an awesome God I serve! Life is not always comfortable, today was a big reminder of that, but even when I'm uncomfortable God is the great comforter and I'm taking great hope in that tonight and for the days to come! Thank you all for your prayers and kind words and encouraging words! God has blessed me so greatly today with the peace only he can give and I know that you were praying for me it's greatly appreciated by myself and my family!

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FB update, per family:

A quick update on Vanessa - her surgery went well, she is back in her room and her new "kidney is working and making pee" (Vanessa's actual words). Vanessa, I guess it is time to get the "I peed today" T-shirts made

Vanessa, and family, are grateful for everyone's prayers. As expected, she continues to inspire us all and we are reminded that the Lord is good!!

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God is good! At the end of the day I'm able to sit up in bed, eat clear liquids (I suppose that jello is a food group) , smile, and Pee!  Tomorrow, the plan is for me to get out of bed and do some walking, please pray that I'll have good pain control and That my low grade fever would be gone in the morning. I have been warned that the meds I will be taking tomorrow typically cause some unpleasant side effects – would you please pray that I would be an exception but that if I do have the side effects that I will just trust the Lord to help me through and that I would have a positive testimony even the most unpleasant of circumstances

Body art courtesy Pre-op Staff:
My surgical 'tattoo' was meant to be a visible reminder
to surgeons and staff to avoid using my fistula arm. No sticks, No BP!

August 7, 2014

I'm not quite ready for a 5K but I've been up and walk three laps around the transplant floor and plan to do some more walking after supper. PTL! I have had my second Thymoglobulin infusion today with none of the predicted side effects – God has shown himself to be so very faithful and I thank Him and thank you for all your prayers because I know that he's hearing them and honoring them to the experiences I've had
 

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I have the coolest family ever! Last year when I saw these shirts my cousin had found I mentioned that I needed I Peed shirt when I got my kidney. They remembered this is awesome you know, it's the little things that make life so full of fun!
 

 

August 8, 2014

Two days post-op update

 I saw the surgeon and members of his posse this morning. He is very pleased with the progress that I and my kidney have made. My creatinine which is a blood level that measures kidney function started above 11 then yesterday dropped to 4.9 and today it was 2.4! The normal range is approximately 0. 5–1.4. If I hadn't been connected to so many wires I probably would've been doing a happy dance but I had to leave that to my family LOL speaking of wires I got my oxygen and telemetry monitor discontinued so now all I have to keep me tethered is a central line, I Jackson-Pratt drain, and a Foley. Little by little they're giving me more freedom  my day started off a little bit rockier than Thursday, think my seven laps that Dave previously was a little more than I should've done so I'm taking it a little bit easier today and I'm feeling much better this afternoon the Lord is so good and he's greatly to be praised! Thanks for all your continued prayers I'm humbled and very appreciative, as are my parents! The staff caring for me here have been quite a blessing and if I can't be at home I'm thankful the Lord provided a place with such good care! But you better believe that hasn't stopped me from trying to be "helpful"! LOL

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I've already been given homework and a pop quiz to see if I know what's in store for me, I was sure glad they gave the test to me after I got the kidney I'd hate to think if I failed the test . As I go forward, my biggest concerns will be infection and rejection. I'll be going into hibernation a little early this year avoiding highly populated places and those that are sick or have had live vaccines. Essentially, the drugs that make my body a hospitable host. also make me highly susceptible to all illnesses so I'll be the one holding my breath and giving long distance air hugs

 August 10, 2014

Today mark's four days post op. Saw my doctor this morning during his regular rounds, he was pleased with the progress that I continue to make. My creatinine dropped to 1.6! I haven't had a level in that range for well over five years – God is so awesome! I continued to marvel at how he's orchestrated each event and they know that none of it is coincidence. I used to pride myself on being a good planner, but I'm so thankful that he has the reins because The intricacies of his planning far surpass any meager attempt on my part! I spent the day getting my last infusion of thymo and tonight I will get possibly my last dose of IV antibiotics. I spent a large part of the day walking the halls and walked 17 laps around the unit, I'm starting to find sore spots I didn't have a few days ago but over all the Lord has blessed me with a very uneventful last few days crazed Boulevard!! I continue to ask for your prayers while one chapter has ended and I've received a kidney there's a whole new journey ahead of me learning how to adapt to this new lifestyle and to be a good steward of the spectacular gift that I've been given. The doctors keep reiterating how very important it is to be stringent in the days months and years to come being that I am so desensitized. it's a little overwhelming.

Today was the first day I started to feel the effects of the IV Solu-Medrol I.E.steroids you know it's the steroids talking when you look at your plate and not having oatmeal makes you want to cry. It's this new chapter now the Lord has me on I'm so excited to be on it but so very thankful that the Lord is on it with me he didn't bring me to this place to leave me by myself and I am trusting that he will continue to lift me up and bless the prayers of my friends family and even perfect strangers! And what a blessing you all are to me thank you for the many prayers and I think you invents for continued prayers what a gift it is to pray for one another! I suppose I better sign off now before I get weepy all over again thanks thanks thanks!  May God bless you for your prayer coverage and outpouring of love!effects of the IV Solu-Medrol

August 11, 2014

Foley catheter – gone, Jackson Pratt drain – gone, triple lumen central line – gone. I am a free woman! Well line free at least. Creatinine level dropped again today it's 1.3, the lowest it's ever been at least in the last 15+ years, You can bet the Loewens we're doing a happy dance today and praising the God who are gifted me with such a precious gift! I was released at four today and now will hang out near the hospital until my next clinic visit at the end of the week. It's been a long day with a lot of information to process but it’s a great opportunity to launch into my new lifestyle and still have a bit of a safety net nearby. I feel tired, a little sore and a bit nauseous; but it pales in comparison to how I could be feeling – I also feel immensely blessed to have this new chapter of life in front of me! I don’t think I can ever say it enough, God is so incredibly AWESOME!been a long day with a lot of information to process but it's a great opportunity to lunch into my new lifestyle and still have a little bit of a safety net nearby. I feel tired, a little sore and a bit nauseous ; but it pales in comparison to how I could be feeling- I also feel immensely blessed to have this new chapter of life in front of me! I don't think I can't ever say it enough , God is so incredibly AWESOME!been a long day with a lot of information to process but it's a great opportunity to lunch into my new lifestyle and still have a little bit of a safety net nearby. I feel tired, a little sore and a bit nauseous ; but it pales in comparison to how I could be feeling- I also feel immensely blessed to have this new chapter of life in front of me! I don't think I can't ever say it enough , God is so incredibly AWESOME!been a long day with a lot of information to process but it's a great opportunity to lunch into my new lifestyle and still have a little bit of a safety net nearby. I feel tired, a little sore and a bit nauseous ; but it pales in comparison to how I could be feeling- I also feel immensely blessed to have this new chapter of life in front of me! I don't think I can't ever say it enough , God is so incredibly AWESOME!

 August 13, 2014

One week post op

 

August 20, 2014

Two weeks post op – glory to God for the great things he has done and continues to do in my body! And yes, peeing is just one of the many new blessings I am thinking God for! Thanks to all for your prayers and continued prayers!! Psalms 103:1 – 2 Let all that I am praise the Lord; with my whole heart, I will praise His holy name. Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things He does for me.

How to tell if a dialysis day is going to be less than less-than- stellar

·        Comments such as ‘Wow, I’ve never seen anyone with that many interventions done at once’.  Sure I like to be at the top of my class, but gold star for best pin-cushion… pass

·        When 4 staff congregate around your arm to discuss which hole is the appropriate one to cannulate.  Button-Button, who’s got the ButtonHOLE?

·        A blood pressure of 70/40 is a marked improvement.

·        Hearing the descriptive ‘hairy mess’ uttered to explain why my chair was delayed.  When I told ‘em it wasn’t nice to call me that, they said they were referring to the day, but I’m pretty sure I saw their pants on fire…

 

Yeah, It was that kind of day.  Here’s the promises God reminded me of when 2 burnt fingers were the furthest thing from my mind and I wanted to cry.  Psalm 103:1-2  Let all that I am praise the Lord; With my whole heart I will praise His holy name.  Let all that I am praise the Lord – May I never forget the good things He does for me.

The last few weeks as I’ve been trying to come to terms with disappointment and change of plans I’ve been memorizing this verse.  Here’s what is most striking to me about it.  Christ is always worthy of my praises, there’s no situation that changes that.  And secondly, ‘good things He does’ – its not past tense, but past and present & a promise for the future.  I never want to forget either of those things.  Today, when I was counting the minutes until I was done, the Lord gave me strength to tolerate my full treatment time and to not cry like the very big baby I am.  He also reminded me of this promise (another of my memory verses the last few weeks) 1 Peter 4:12-13 Brethren, do not think it is strange, concerning this fiery trial, which is to try you. As though some strange thing happened to you, but rather rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, so that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy.

I am very thankful today for Christ’s promises, for the prayers of others – I know Christ honored them today, I am thankful for care providers that are compassionate and skilled (and I’m really thankful that Paige was at work today).  I’m also thankful that treatment is over today and that tomorrow isn’t Friday.  I’m thankful for cinnamon juju bears & perspective. And now, I’m thankful for naps!

So it seems that in addition to driving, handling heavy machinery and shopping… stovetops and skillets should also be avoided when under the influence of sedation.

I had a major overhaul to my fistula today – 2 accessory vessels coiled, 4 angioplasties, 3 insertion sites, 2 slipknots and one stitch (all terms I’m sure I heard them use…while I was sedated)….  And know I’m left with two miniature slinkies in my left arm (I wonder if I’ll set off the metal detectors), a newly re-jiggered fistula,  two burnt fingers and a throbbing arm.  ‘Where’ you may ask, did my burns come from?  In a semi-lucid state, while using my fingers as a grilled cheese flipper, I may have inadvertently grasped the side of the skillet.  On the bright side, it took my mind off my throbbing arm for a while & its super handy, when the ice pack on my arm gets to frigid I just slide it down to my fingers – win. winJ

I know I’ve been ‘radio-silent’ for a few weeks & I want to remedy that soon.  I’ll just end tonight by saying I’m okay and I appreciate the outpouring of love and prayers – I treasure the blessings of my family and friends. Thanks for all the support – I’ll have more to write when I can fully account for what I’m saying;) With all my love, Vanessa

Let all that I am praise the Lord, with my whole heart I will praise His holy name. Let all that I am praise the Lord. May I never forget the good things he does for me! Psalm 103:1-2

...be content with what you have, because God has said, Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you. Hebrews 13:5

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

Today's update:
I heard back from my transplant nurse today and got the official word.  No kidney, no trial. I'm officially disqualified. Some of you have had other questions - My blood type is the same as my motto - B positive :).  If you have questions about kidney donation I can try to answer them, but Susan (transplant nurse) would be glad to answer any questions you might have. I would be glad to message you her number.  Thank you for all the encouraging, kind words, love & prayers.  I am struck over & over again by the love & friendships Christ has blessed me with - Thanks so much for reminding me of that this week!  Love & hugs ~V

I received some questions in relationship to my post. I've tried to hit the high points and answer them as best I can while still respecting Megan's privacy.  [Why is Megan not eligible?]   Recent test results were red flagged by my transplant team.  Looking out for her best interest, the transplant team felt it would benefit her to keep both her kidneys.  I would never want my improved health to come at the cost of hers. [Does that mean permanently not eligible?] This decision is permanent - Megan's no longer eligible to donate a kidney, this won't change.  [How long will you have to wait for word on the trial?]  I have no idea about the trial, the nurse did mention that there was the slight possibility that if a person were to come forward with interest in donating I (and they) could possibly be worked up quickly and still qualify for the study within their time parameters  -- I don't know when I will find out this for sure. [Did you just find out today?]   Yep (9:46AM) 
Hope that answers some of your questions (or perhaps that's more than you ever wanted to know, in that case - sorry )  

Deja Vu

Have you ever had a moment of déjà vu? Webster describes the phenomena as:

1 a :  the illusion of remembering scenes and events when experienced for the first time  b :  a feeling that one has seen or heard something before

2:  something overly or unpleasantly familiar

 

I had a moment of déjà vu this morning – of the unpleasantly familiar variety.

When the phone rang this morning I was in the midst of knocking things off my ‘To Do’ list.  With only a week until pre-op and less than a handful more until I moved to OKC for transplant I was in the zone –

·        House picked up – Check

·        Cat taken to the vet – Check

·        Bedding washed, dried & bed made – Check, Check, Check

I was in the midst of tackling a closet when I got the call, it was my transplant nurse calling.  I was relieved she’d called, since I had thought of more transplant-related questions to pelt her with (the relief was that I didn’t have to make the call, if I rang her each time I thought of a question, she’d take her phone of the hook).  She identified herself, but that was the extent of the pleasantries. 

“I’ve got news Vanessa”, she said. “And it’s not good news.”……..   Déjà vu

Some of my donor’s recent, unrelated health tests had raised red flags among the transplant team.  For her protection, Megan is no longer a possible donor candidate…………………………………..…Déjà vu

Transplant Cancelled…………………. Déjà vu

At this point, were history true to form, I would fling myself across my bed sobbing and throw the Ultimate tantrum.

I’m really glad to say – No déjà vu

I haven’t thrown a single tantrum – Sure, I’ve shed my share of tears (I’m not Wonder Woman) – I’m disappointed, but not discouraged.  You wanna know what the most significant difference is between this time and two years ago?  My attitude (well, that, and not being in the midst of a bowel prep).   I’m not angry or disgruntled.  In the midst of my tears I was able to praise God.  My prayer since being accepted into the drug trial has been that the Lord would open and close doors as He saw fit.  Today He answered that prayer – not exactly the way I was expecting, but I am confident that this turn of events is not surprising to Him.  Now I’m praying for further guidance and that He’ll make clear the next open door I’m supposed to step through.  I am excited to see where God will lead me next. 

There have been a couple times today when I’ve been tempted to feel sorry for myself.  I passed the pile I’d designated OKC/transplant and had to think about dismantling the collection – It was that disheartening thought that marked my moment of greatest dismay --  when I knew God’s truth, but my trust was shaky, not steadfast – I asked God to supply me with hope.  I reached for the daily devotional calendar I’d packed and flipped to today’s verse – Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

God has given me hope – and when I start to start planning the invite list for my pity party God reminds of my many blessings!  Here are the ones I’m praising God for today…

·        I got the cancellation call before I started the bowel prep!

·        I have a lot of projects done, a clean house & time to finish my uncompleted projects.

·        I received the news on a busy day, I’ve had people & projects to distract me, as well as some personal time to collect my thoughts & talk things over with my Heavenly & earthly father.  Had I been at dialysis when the news came, I would have had a lot of time to dwell on why I was disappointed and no privacy.

·        The Lord may be protecting me from things I’ll never know about, perhaps He has a perfect match kidney for me, but regardless, He’s got a plan that is best for me!

 

Finally, I am so thankful for the change God has done in my heart!  Tonight, the feelings I have don’t bear any resemblance to those of two years ago.  I’m not angry or bitter, rather God has blessed me with joy, hope & peace!  I can only attribute that to the many faithful prayers of family & friends (and even strangers) and Christ’s faithfulness in answering those prayers!  Thank you for your love & support – please continue to pray for me as I eagerly await His guidance in this unexpected (not for Him) new path.

With Love & Many Thanks!

Vanessa

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Holding My Breath...

The white bleachers are hard as steel on my not-so steely buns, but tonight I don’t care.  It’s basketball homecoming!  From my high perch I have a great view of the homecoming candidates.  First the guys line up, then the girls.  I’m not sure if it’s the distance or my age, but boy they look young!   I cheer as all the names are read, but I can’t help but remember my name being read out on that court, the crown placed on my head & the sweet kiss on my cheek………..But wait, the announcer has named the homecoming court, but this year, apparently there’s a twist – the theme is Kiss the Girl and all men have been invited to plant kisses on the gals in their proximity.  All of a sudden dozens of eager lips (and the elderly men accompanying them) swarmed me.  As I politely smiled & turned my head for them to kiss my cheek –they went for my lips -- lips smacking, like hungry goldfish at feeding time!

And that’s when I woke up!

Now, if you’re anything like me (or maybe I’m just weird), but often I put life events to song.  Life really is so much more interesting as a musical.  Because of this most of you would naturally assume that the accompaniment of this story sequence would be The Little Mermaid’s – Kiss the Girl.  If that’s what you thought you would be…… dead wrong!  Jaws music, predatory horror film music – this was not a sweet dream it was a cold sweat nightmare – Jaws music included!

I haven’t had a school dream in ages and never one like this.  Usually when I’m in a time crunch or have stress I start having dreams about not getting homework in on time or not finishing a timed test.  But this one was different – when I woke up I had 2 thoughts – wow! I really need to brush my teeth (which I did), and Why weren’t there any guys my age lining up to kiss me? (a whole ‘nother topic for a later time).

It doesn’t take a dream analyst to tell me what my dream means – I know already.  I’m stressin’ a little.  I’ve got a long list of ‘to do’s’ and a short time in which to-do them.  Also, have you been to the store lately?  It’s like Germ-a-Palooza out there!  A cough here, a sneeze there, here a sniff, there a snot-rocket…. It’s every germ-a-phobe’s nightmare.  From an early age my mother taught me that the appropriate response to public displays of coughing & sneezing were to hold my breath and walk the other way.  I was at the store yesterday, after 15 minutes of shopping I almost needed resuscitation from holding my breath so long and I never got what I needed I had to keep walking in the opposite direction – I was exhausted, winded & grocery-less when  I left the store! 

Despite my best breath-holding efforts, I still acquired a cold!  So, while being kissed by the masses might be some girl’s dream – This germ-conscious girl gets chills thinking about it – and not the good kind! (cue the music for John Travolta’s ‘I’ve got chills…’ )

It’s pretty obvious that even my best efforts aren’t good enough… on my own.  It’s not the most comforting of thoughts for someone that likes thing neat, orderly & in my control.  But even in my most firm grasp on running my life – things slip through my fingers.  That’s why I’m so thankful that Christ has much bigger hands & His grasp is steady – He’s not frazzled when things don’t go the way I planned them!  Surrendering my control is a daily, sometimes hourly task for me. Knowing & trusting are two different things.  I know God’s plan for my life is the very best & that’s what I desire, but trusting Him in the midst of His plans when they’re different from my own… it’s scary, but it’s not a blind trust, I’m trusting in the One who is always trust-worthy – Trusting Christ sure beats holding my breath!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;   do not depend on your own understanding.  Seek His will in all you do,  and He will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5-6

I’ve been distracted lately…. And I like it!  Background noise and busyness have been terrific distractions.  But last night I got a big dose of quiet – ever found quiet disquieting?   When the distractions are stripped away I’m left with stillness and my thoughts and a riot of emotions.  If it truly was a hamster running my brain’s wheel, he’d be winded and dizzy.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against the thinking, but it’s the worry that often comes on those thoughts’ heels that I hate.  I spent a good measure of time confessing my fears to God last night.  I’m not without nervousness (and yes Jo, even a little freaked out at times), but the Lord is so amazingly generous with His peace, especially when I ask.  When I was done recounting my concerns and fears, they didn’t seem so daunting.  This morning I was having some anxiety before I left for dialysis – because it’s a new month I was anticipating a change in the nurse who would stick me – all the staff that care for me are excellent, but there’s a few that seem to have me more figured out.  I prayed and asked the Lord to please let me have K or P.  And then I prayed for strength, acceptance and a good attitude no matter what happened or who stuck me.  When I got to dialysis I had both K & P taking care of me and I had a good treatment – I suppose it might seem like a small thing, maybe even silly, but the Lord gladdened my heart so greatly!  I was reminded how very much He cares for me and concerns Himself with the things that concern me!  How awesome is that?  To know that He cares about the big & small things in my life – it encourages me!  Last two thoughts of the day are both borrowed…
Philippians 4:6-7  Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.  AND...