Thinking of being thankful

December marks one year since I started dialysis and nearly two years since I embarked on my journey through post-transplant kidney failure.  The trek has been filled with insurmountable obstacles, overwhelming disappointments, unexpected blessings and a very large measure of God’s grace.

High highs have given way to low lows and vice versa.  This year my faith has taken some major hits – some so crushing I’ve questioned if I was strong enough to weather the storms.  At one of my lowest points I questioned the wisdom in my prayers – that God would use me, no matter what, for His glory.  Its that “no matter what” part that’s tricky.  You see, if you pray it and mean it, be prepared to put your money where your mouth is (not exactly a biblical term, but you get the picture.) 

Usually at Thanksgiving and Christmas I am filled with bubbling enthusiasm and Christmas cheer (I once was told to “dial down the happy”).  But this season I have struggled to find that same caliber of merriment. Each time I logged on to Facebook I was bombarded with wall-posts exclaiming over their thanks and many blessings.  My computer’s megapixels oozed positivity as everyone appeared to be appropriately thankful.  At first it warmed my heart, but then my inner cynic wondered where all that thanks was the rest of the year.  No where among the posts were thanks for flat tires, bad hair days or bed-wetting poodles. What about those things in our lives we don’t see as blessings?  Can our frustrations, inconveniences and sorrows spur thanks?

Try as I might, I couldn’t shake a thought.  In all things give thanks.  It was like a drum cadence… in all things, give thanks. Found in 1 Thessalonians 5:18 – it says “give thanks in all circumstances”.  I can only surmise that God has laid this on my heart (I’m not that insightful).

 I puzzled over this idea.  Even in theory this concept seems foreign – how can I be thankful for kidney failure and all that goes with it?  Here’s the conclusion I’ve come to:

I don’t have to necessarily be thankful for the high antibodies,  coding, or lost transplant, but I can still be thankful:

·          I found out about the high antibodies before I rejected someone’s healthy kidney.

·         For the skill of medical professionals who’s quick reactions saved my life

·         A new friend who was willing to give me one of her kidneys

 Some days’ circumstances are far from ideal, but just like rainy days make us thankful for sunshine,   God can use trials to clarify what really matters. So this year  I am thanking  God for:

·         His grace which has brought me through each peak & valley

·         Good days (and  that He brings me through the bad ones)

·         Faithful friends & the kindness of strangers

·         Providing for all my needs through the love of family & friends

·         Dialysis therapy & medical staff

·         Jesus Christ & His free gift of salvation

·         For using  someone like me, flaws & all

As the new year fast approaches  I am eager to see what God has in store for me.  Though I may falter, I am confident that God holds me in the palm of His  hand and am thanking Him for what  He is doing in my life! 

Would I have chosen my journey’s obstacles?  Probably not, but I have chosen to serve my God no matter what.  And I thank God for using even me!

2 Corinthians 12:8-10

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

--V

I’m a phony….

The events of the summer served to rock me to the very core of my beliefs & convictions & I couldn’t seem to shake the thought – I’m a phony.

Pain, panic attacks, sleeplessness & an ever-lengthening list of disappointments were laying claim to my faith and ravaging my peace.  On more nights than I can count I would struggle against waves of panic & fear – I’d just begin to get a grip & another wave would overwhelm me. My prayers became a mantra… “Please God, please Jesus – I need your peace, please, please, take away my pain & fears”.  Many mornings I would still be up to greet the sun & my dad.  Day after day he would listen to my account of the night & my wakeful nightmares.  He would encourage me to “give it to God” & ask Him to take away the fears.  It was meant to encourage me, but in those dark days it only fostered my frustration – I was praying, what was wrong with me, my prayers weren’t working. 

Real thoughts, real feelings – but with those thoughts came an intense guilt.  “I am such a phony”.

I grew up in a Christian home. Bible stories, bedtime prayers, Sunday school & church attendance – but at the age of five while attending bible school an elderly missionary shared with a packed audience of squirming crowd of me & my peers about sin.  I don’t remember ever really thinking of myself as a sinner – I’m sure my parents were wholly aware of my sinful status, but it was this day that the revelation really became clear to me.  I was a sinner & it was only by God’s grace & love that I could be saved from my sins – through the blood of His only son’s death (and resurrection) that I could be saved.  I remember the missionary sharing how we could have Jesus in our hearts—I prayed in the quiet of my heart to invite Jesus into my heart.  What excitement I felt, as if I hadn’t really started living until that very moment.

In the years since, I’ve had two other times of rededication & commitment to serving my Heavenly Father. 

So why was I having such a hard time keeping my head above water now?  I had been so sincere in my prayers about wanting God to use me, no matter the circumstances.  During the summer months I depended heavily on the prayers of others, at times questioning if my own prayers would be worthy of God’s time or attention.

It’s not pretty is it?  Memories of these dark days still make me cringe. I remember blogging just the facts & in the last post I focused on my blessings.  It was all the truth, but beneath the surface lay an abyss of turmoil.

I’m not writing about it now to elicit pity or even for the shock factor.  In fact, my pride would rather avoid this emotional undressing.  So, what gives, you say?  I’m breaking my silence, to share what God has done in my life through this incredibly trying time.  The slowness to which I have realized God’s workings in my life & answered prayers could be a testament to my denseness – did I hear an “Amen”?
 Romans 5:3-5  says ‘but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Based on these verses, I am quite convinced that my character is solidified – lol.  

As my kidney was failing – my desire was (and still is) to honor God in my illness & give Him all the glory.  I prayed for patience… I feel it’s important to interject here – be sincere in your prayers & count the cost before you pray.  What I really wanted was a modicum of patience, but a FAST resolution to all the hassles kidney failure brought with it.  There’s a children’s song whose lyrics speak to this – “I just gotta have patience, ‘cause patience is a wonderful thing, hurry up, gotta have it, I want it more than anything – this has taken long enough, give me some of that patience stuff…”  Yep, my prayer, though I though it to be pure, was fraught with exceptions & a very impatient expiration date.

None of these accounts are very glowing in there Christian example, but what I’ve learned along the way I think is worth passing along.

God is constant – yesterday, today & tomorrow, He never changes.  His promises are true & legit. On those days when I was so mired in pain, self-doubt & disappointments – God was still with me.  When I didn’t have the words to pray, I was lifted up on the prayers of so many friends, family & strangers.  When I didn’t have the energy to read my Bible – again God was there to remind me of His promises through notes of encouragement & my parents stepped in, faithfully reading to me.  The love showered upon me by so many was a testament of God’s unwavering love for me.  It’s been a very long summer, and in spite of my unsteadiness – God has been constant.  My prayer life & Bible reading have blossomed & found renewed vigor & joy – and the greatest gift of late is an unearthly peace.  It continues to humble & astound me, this peace.  My situation hasn’t changed, I still have rough days – I still rely on dialysis to maintain my health & am constantly reminded of life’s fragility – so many of my plans & expectations have been stripped away – but Christ is my constant.  The stripping has been painful – physically, emotionally…. But its when all is stripped way – health, employment, etc…. that there’s room to view God’s blessings. 

Through all that has happened I have been humbled by God’s provision in my life.  My faith has been strengthened & I am learning what it truly means to step out in faith.  I’m still human, miserably so at times, but I am so excited about the work Christ is doing in my life!  Maybe you, too, have struggles.  Maybe you’re drowing in doubts or fears, maybe both.  Grab on to the one & only LIFE PRESERVER.  Christ can bring you through the hurt that is bringing you down.  Having a relationship with Him doesn’t make life all gum drops & lollypops, but it is a life worth living because He walks with you! If you don’t know Jesus today, you can.  Jesus died, so that you could have everlasting life in Heaven.   John 3:16 says that God loved you so much that He sacrificed His only son, just so we could have an eternity with Him.  All you have to do is acknowledge your sin & His sacrifice & ask Him into your heart – I promise you – you’ll never be the same (and that’s a good thing).  IT's not my intention to be preachy, but this is too important not to share!  If you wnat to know more, please don't hesitate to holler at me.

~V

Hide & Seek: Finding 'hidden' blessings

I was at dialysis recently, sharing with one of the techs about my donor no longer being match.  I'd had another sleepless night and was feeling very sorry for myself (hard to believe, huh?).  I was hoping for some major sympathy, when she surprised me by saying, "you've had a lot of hidden blessings this summer".  It got me to thinking, it's true, my summer has been far more difficult than I would have desired, but in the midst of the difficulty has been an amazing outpouring of God's mercifulness & AWE-mazing blessings.  I just wanted to share them with you and encourage you to look for your own "hidden" blessings.

·        In June when I didn’t get my transplant, it seemed like a crushing blow, but had I gotten it as planned I would have most certainly lost the kidney or lost my life.  I praise God for allowing this apply timed roadblock, which I just thought was an appy with poor timing.

·        I am thankful for the staff that care for me Mon-Wed-Fri at dialysis, but there are a few instances were they especially acted for my benefit.  In the first few weeks of healing after surgery, one nurse recognized the signs of infection and encouraged me to get it checked out.  And on a very big note, when I stopped breathing and checked out, the staff recognized what my needs and supply life-saving actions.  I am so very thankful for these people care for me, put up with me and make the time go by faster.

·        With my body creating antibodies, it is a blessing that I didn’t receive the kidney, previously intended for me.  Had I received the kidney the antibodies would have most likely attacked and demolished the healthy kidney.  I would be back where I am now and the donor would be without a kidney.  So I feel blessed that God saved me from that bitter disappointment and potential health crisis.

·        My friends and family and the outpouring of love and generosity from them and others that don’t know me – what a blessing.  I am humbled by what awesome friends and family I have – fundraisers, notes of encouragement, care packages, prayers and phone calls – I can’t even begin to express how very full my cup is, I am blessed beyond measure!

·        My parents are amazing – they have put up with me on days when even I don’t want to be with me & they continue to show their love in tangible ways.  On the days I didn’t know how to pray – they prayed with me.  When I was too tired to lean on God’s promises, they read them to me and lifted me up.  When I was unable to sleep because of pain or nightmares, they would stay up with me.  I am so richly blessed by their love and friendship

Truly, God is good, He is my sustainer and even in the mist of dark days He provides blessings!

Makin' Plans to Not Plan

What keeps you going?  Routine, responsibility…  For me it’s God, for sure, but with the events of the past few months there have been two things for which I have strived for… receiving my transplant and returning to work.  I took a certain measure of pride in the fact that until recently I had continued to work full time, and I was anxious to return.  And every time my pain was less than tolerable, a dialysis treatment was rough or I spent another long night awake – I would remind myself that this was fleeting and that the transplant was mere weeks away.  Work & Transplant were my own “light at the end of the tunnel” – they were at least, until most recently.

·        I had plans to return to work this week, but during my recovery my position was eliminated.  I’m not sure this has completely sunk in.  I still catch myself thinking in terms of returning.  I am probably in the minority, but I loved my job and the people I was blessed to work with.  For six years that was my “home”.  I always joked that work was my social life and there’s some truth to that – many of my co-workers are my greatest friends.  I already miss them so much and I suppose a lot of my grief over the loss is not being able to see those people on a regular basis.  But I will also miss the purpose I felt – I knew God was using me to show love and comfort to people who were vulnerable and scared – I’ll miss the people most.  In this loss I’ve prayed mostly that I wouldn’t harbor any bitterness or anxiety at trying to find a new job.  My employer has been so good to me for so long and I was very blessed.  Six plus years ago, when I applied with their corporation I didn’t have any plans to actually move or join them.  But God had different plans for me, He placed me there, and opened doors for each new venture.  So I am confident that He again will place me where I can best serve Him and others.

·        ‘As soon as my wound heals I’ll get my kidney’….  That’s what I continually told myself and others.  Last week, I saw my surgeon – He checked my wound & gave me the first measure of good news, it was healing to his satisfaction.  And then he dropped a bomb – because of my previous infections my body has developed many antibodies and the current donor would no longer be a match.  His words were surreal, so calm and matter-of-fact, as if he were discussing the state of the weather, rather than the crushing of my life-saving gift.  Later in the week the transplant nurse called to follow up, reminding me that, ‘its not the end of the world’.  Yeah, she’s right, it’s not the end of the world, but it was the end of that kidney.  So, now I am again without a kidney.  I am still on the deceased donor list and if any persons are interested in donating they will be tested to see if they are a match.  The greater the antibodies the more difficult it is to find a suitable match, but I know that nothing is impossible when Christ is in the mix.  I have to believe that if He wasn’t ready to have me in Heaven when I coded, that He still has plans for me.

It’s amazing how very quickly plao ns change.  I had such big plans for this summer… they’ve all changed.  I’ve stopped imposing my plans on God’s plans for my life.   I definitely don’t understand all the twists and turns this summer has taken, but I am confident that God is in control and has great plans for my life.  How can I not trust that His plans are the best for me, when He knows me, created me and knows the future?   So, now, my plan is to rely on the plans God has for me.  It definitely takes a measure of trust, but there’s no better person to place my trust.  He’s brought me through so much already and not left to fend for myself – and He’s shown me such blessings through it all.  So, while I still have my moments of wishing things were different, I continue to pray that God would use this time and my journey to His glory and that He might be evident through my life – and I eagerly anticipate the ways He will continue to amaze me.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Month in Review

It's been far too long.... What an unfaithful tomato I've been, neglecting to write for so long.  Usuallly my lapses in posts indicates an inordinate lack of excitement in my life, but Whoa Nellie, that is not the case... The last month has been filled with numerous blessings, but for much of the month those blessings have seemed to pale next to the laundry list of bad news, doctors' appoinments, dialysis and overwhelming anxiety.  It's hard to see the forest through the trees & in the midst of all the happenings I began to feel like Job -- even though I still dressed better (but not by much).  It's been a trying month, and its only now that I'm ready to write about it... 

·       Big Hands, Little Spaces…..

About a week after I returned home from having exploratory surgery I returned to the surgeon.  Nurses caring for me in dialysis were concerned about the incision being infected.  It would be the first of many visits…..  Upon seeing the doctor he concluded that I did indeed have an infection.  My naïve hope was that antibiotics would be sufficient weaponry to fight the infection – oh, no, nothing near so tidy.  Instead the incision was torn open from top to bottom and I was layed open like a Christmas ham.  But unlike the ham, there was nothing deadened during this process.  The physical pain was bad, but the mental images I had of the process made it worse, but I was in for more.  In order to make sure the infection hadn’t compromised the integrity of my muscle layer (this could be detrimental to the underlying structures)  the surgeon had to push around on the inside layer – big hands, small space – I’d rather forget how this felt, but words really can’t describe…

Now I had an open cavity, the staff quickly instructed me on how to pack the space and I high-tailed out of the office in search of a shoulder to cry on and pain pills.  For the next week I had the space packed three times daily. When it was time to return to the surgeon we were pleased with the healing that had taken place – we were, the surgeon was not!  He took one look at the wound and instantly was displeased.  Apparently, the manner of packing had allowed tissue to heal on top, but not at the base of the wound.  This ineffective healing can lead to abscess formation, the surgeon “doc big hands”  took his finger and without so much as a “this might hurt” he ripped open the healed tissue.  ‘Ouch’ doesn’t begin to describe the intense shock wave of pain this sent throughout my body.  Later, my dad said he came close to punching the doc…. It seems barbaric and it was excruciating, but it needed to be done.  But, it was discouraging, yet another set-back when we’d been so sure of the progress…  So again we returned home to pack the wound.  This routine continued for a couple more weeks with good results.  Eventually, while hospitalized I would receive a wound vac and that sped up the healing process, but then that’s a whole ‘nother story….

·       Arresting Developments

Since having my peritoneal catheter removed I have been receiving Hemo Dialysis.  You might remember that I had a brief stint with Hemo in December.  I visit the center 3 times a week for about 3 ½ to 4 hours.  Hemo, though necessary, life-sustaining and all that jazz has not agreed with me this go around.  Nausea, shortness of breath, pain and swelling seem to plague my off days and fatigue is my constant companion.  I dreaded each treatment and eyed the clocked with the intensity I used to eye chocolate.  It was on one such day, mid July that I remember thinking the last hour of treatment was taking FOREVER – I was certain the clock hand was stuck.  I also remember feeling twinges in my chest and shortness of breath, I briefly thought maybe I should tell someone..  I don’t know if I did, but the next recollection I have is waking unable to catch my breath and hearing “analyzing rhythm – non-shockable rhythm”.  In a corner of my mind I knew that was a defibrillator’s mantra and wondered why I was hearing that.  Shortly thereafter my vision cleared enough to see a myriad of medical workers hovering over me and paramedics strapping me to a gurney.  The ride to the hospital was fairly uneventful, medics trying multiple times to establish an IV access and me giving them my medical history.  As best I was able to glean from them, I had stopped breathing and required defibrillation to re-establish a normal heart rhythm.  When I arrived at the ER I again went into an irregular rhythm (of which I converted out of myself) --- the ER doc explained to my parents that he was nearly certain I had been victim of a heart attack.  Time being of the essence I was rushed to the cath lab for an exploration of the vessels of my heart and heart structure.  This test eventually ruled out heart attack and enforced that I have a very healthy heart.  This was an immense relief – doctors finally concluded that “coding” was a result of electrolyte imbalance related to dialysis.  I spent 5 days in ICU while they worked to pull as much fluid off as possible and establish a healthy “dry” weight for me.

My hospital stay was a dark time for me. I couldn’t sleep at night or during the day and quickly my nerves became very raw.  I experienced a lot of anxiety then and even when I went home.  Coding hadn’t been scary during the times of incoherence, but it was the aftermath.  I truly anticipated meeting Christ that evening.  I remember praying He would be with my parents and comfort them and making sure my heart was right with Him.  I had concerns, but such a peace in that moment. 

·       Work Release

My most recent blow was this last week.  I have made it a habit to call my place of work when anything news-worthy has come along.  I was excited to get back to work and was planning to do so in a week and a half.  I still wasn’t quite up-to-snuff, but was working to regain my strength.  I received a call on Tuesday from my boss asking for an update on how I was doing.  I told her I couldn’t make any final say-so’s til I saw my doc, but was anxious to be back in the next couple weeks.  That’s when I got the news that my position had been cut.  If I wanted to come back the company would do there best to find a place for me, but my own job woudn’t be waiting for me… At that moment I thought how very much I could empathize with Job, it felt like the floor dropped out.  I did my best to retain my composure on the phone, but it all fell apart after the call went quiet.  I’ll write more later about this…

·       Whew Doggies – well if you didn’t believe at the beginning, I’m sure you will now agree – A lot has happened in the span of a few weeks.  Along with the events, has come a myriad of emotions, lessons, and blessings, but that, my friends will have to keep until next time.

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
   may the name of the LORD be praised.”  Job 1:21

 “Skin for skin!” Satan replied. “A man will give all he has for his own life. ⁵ But now stretch out your hand and strike his flesh and bones, and he will surely curse you to your face.”

 ⁶ The LORD said to Satan, “V  Joery well, then, he is in your hands; but you must spare his life.”
 ⁷ So Satan went out from the presence of the LORD and afflicted Job with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the crown of his head. ⁸ Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes.
 ⁹ His wife said to him, “Are you still maintaining your integrity? Curse God and die!”
 ¹⁰ He replied, “You are talking like a foolish^[b] woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” Job 2:4-10

Surgery Report, uh, what?

Since my last blog, oodles of experiences have come my way.  My transplant countdown was in place and it was only days from the BIG DAY!  Saturday, I went on a small shopping trip and lunch out with one of my bestest friends (my mom), celebrating the day to come and making an attempt at one last Hurrah for a while.  As the day wore on I began to experience some lower abdominal pain, but thankfully I was in the midst of receiving retail therapy and was able to shrug off the annoyance.  But later that evening it was far less tolerable.  I attributed the discomfort to having missed a dialysis treatment due to power outtages.  I was sure the night's treatment would make me right as rain in the morning.... Wrong, morning just brought more pain.... I had concerns at this point, but was trying to think positively and ignore it.  Fevers, however, aren't as easy to ignore, so later that evening, after being unable to find any comfortable position, I called the doctor.  I won't bore you with all those details, but that itself was quite the task -- when I finished calling, I had talked to three operators, left 1 message for the wrong nurse (i know this b/c the operator called me back) Spoke with one nurse and then ended up talking to my nephrologist and transplant surgeon -- (yep, it does seem like overkill for a stomach ache).  Finally it was decided that I would meet with the surgeon on Monday just to make sure everything was okay for the transplant on Tuesday.  Monday morning we arrived at the hospital at 0730 where I waited to meet the surgeon -- after palpating the lower area of my tummy he sent me for a CT of my abdomen, blood work, and a dialysate sample.  His initial thoughts were that I had peritonitis (infection of the peritoneal cavity resulting from dialysis), or that my initial donor kidney from years ago was infected or appendicitis.  My nurse told me if it turned out to be a hot appendix she would never go to Vegas with me b/c my "luck" was terrible.   After waiting for HOURS -- this is no exaggeration, at 1pm we were still in the waiting room and the nurse finally took pity on poor pitiful me and put us in a room with recliners to continue waiting.  I want to interject at this point a comment that was voiced on at least 2 separate occasions.  The medical professional would look in on me, no interventions having been taken and say "are you still having pain?" -- uh, no, I just like the atmosphere and thought I'd get  a discount room fee for being early..."  YEAH ...   Okay, moving on, the Surgeon came in about 3:30pm, said all test results from the CT were inconclusive and he wanted to operate right away -- within an hours time..... By 7p I was finally down in the Pre-op area and the surgery lasted from 9p - midnight.  They ended up doing an exploratory lap. -- removed my kidney, my peritoneal dialysis catheter and yes, my appendix, which after all the pathology came back, the appendix was the culprit.   Now, after reading all of this you might think this is all a real bummer, you'd be right -- But really, it's another way God has proven His faithfulness and that He desires the best for me even when I don't get His timing.   Right before surgery, when I was clarifying if this would delay the transplant, my doctor explained to me that if I was to have the transplant the next day, with the infection that was brewing within me -- I wouldn't survive... So, in the midst of feeling incredulous that there would be yet another delay, I can appreciate with my whole being how God is carrying me through.  Days earlier my pre-op lab was completely normal -- God allowed stomach pain and a fever to protect my future and my life.  I can deal with delay.  For now, I am working to get used to Hemo Dialysis, it's 3 times a week and the diet is amazingly restrictive, but I thank GOd daily for His gift to me of comfort, peace, my parents and life.... He is in control and even when I feel like I'm back at square one I can't help but marvel at the ways in which He works.

Nearsighted Me, Farsighted He

When I last left you, I was lamenting my drowned cat persona -- It's taken time, tears & lots of prayer, but I feel like I've begun to regroup -- I know I'm a little slow (don't you dare shake your head in agreement!!!)  God has been using this experience to teach me some painful & profound lessons.
    *  When invited to a pity-party -- "you poor thing", "that's sooooo not fair" & "would you like fries with that?"  are always welcome -- practical facts & platitudes are not!   Oh, well that might not really be a profound lesson, but good etiquette is so important!
   * Molding -- nope, I'm not talking about the science experiment in my fridge, but rather the task of being molded.  The Bible describes us as "Jars of Clay", but I was thinking about all the times I've worked with greenware and clay.  Unmolded clay is cold and hard and stubborn.  It's only haver it's been "thrown" and molded that it begins to take on shape and usefulness.  The same is true with Greenware -- it's super fragile and ugly, with rough edges -- it takes careful effort to sand away the rough edges & the piece is only strong because of an intense firing.   -- Hmm, 'thrown', 'firing' -- the words aren't gentle, they imply effort, brokeness -- My prayer through this journey has been for God to use me as a vessel, to share His love and light with those around me -- It wasn't a glib prayer, but in the last weeks I have doubted the sanity of that prayer.  I am that clay, that greenware -- the experiences I am facing, they aren't what I would ask for, but now, I think I can say with complete honesty -- if they are so that I might be molded to the person God desires me to be -- than it is worth it & to God be the glory for using a weak vessel as myself1!!     As a side note -- I recently watched Letters to God -- touched very close to home & I am greatly desirous to be that warrior of God's choosing, however, if post transplant my eyebrows get that bushy, please share your tweezers :) LOL
   * Finally, a friend got me to thinking about the passage in Acts 3 verses 1-10 (for complete passage see below), a lame beggar sits at his pree-mo beggin' spot.  His routine is to beg for his lively-hood near the temple.  While sitting there, he hits up Peter & John for some moo-lah.  Practical, right?  Just another day at the office.... But Peter looks at him and instead of money, he bids him to get up and walk, and then takes his hand to help him up.  I was trying to think what I would have thought about that turn of events.  The biblical accounts records that the man was elated, jumping, praising GOd, but on some level, after the inital excitement wore off -- you think he mighta wished Peter had slipped him a ten-spot?  Walking's great, but 10 sec. earlier he had a cushy desk, er mat job & now he's going to have some work involved....  Leave it to the Lord to see the bigger picture... the lame man, just wanted what he saw as the best he could do, God, through Peter saw an opportunity to give the man the ability to earn for himself.   God has been teaching me how very nearsighted I am in my thinking and desires and is helping to retrain me to a more eternal way of thinking.  Even though it requires work, God's knowledge of the bigger picture really makes Him the better choice for who I'll let rule/lead my life & who I put my trust in -- it's work, but He's right there holding out His hand to help me along the way -- THank the Lord!!!

 One day Peter and John were going up to the temple at the time of prayer—at three in the afternoon. ² Now a man who was lame from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg from those going into the temple courts. ³ When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for money. ⁴ Peter looked straight at him, as did John. Then Peter said, “Look at us!” ⁵ So the man gave them his attention, expecting to get something from them.
 ⁶ Then Peter said, “Silver or gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk.” ⁷ Taking him by the right hand, he helped him up, and instantly the man’s feet and ankles became strong. ⁸ He jumped to his feet and began to walk. Then he went with them into the temple courts, walking and jumping, and praising God. ⁹ When all the people saw him walking and praising God, ¹⁰ they recognized him as the same man who used to sit begging at the temple gate called Beautiful, and they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him.

Wet Cat Way of Thinking

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know the pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise

                                                         Blessings -- Laura Story

 I love the lyrics of the above song, 'Blessings' by Laura Story.  She talks about the beauty of God's blessings through experiences that feel less than blessed.  A phrase of the song mentions blessings through rain drops.  I've appreciated this song for some weeks, in fact, I've begun to feel like it's the lead song in my life's musical :)  I felt I could appreciate nearly all the song's lyrics with my own life experiences.  But I felt a small sense of dis-loyalty in the phrases dealing with 'doubting' God's goodness.  During the song I would silently denounce that phrase of "faithlessness".  I would never doubt God's goodness.....  Well lately those 'rain drop blessings' have been drowning me.  Instead of feeling grateful for the lessons God must be allowing me to learn, I've felt doubt  -- in the purpose in such disapointment, in God's timing, and in my ability to come through this situation in a manner pleasing to my Jesus.  But most of all I felt like a wet cat -- bewildered, dishevled, offended & cranky!

I've been pretty hesitant to blog since surgery was cancelled, because I have been struggling.  I've joked lately that I've decided I have all the patience I need -- I won't be praying for more, cause I'm not so crazy about the opportunities God is supplying me with to use it.... In all honesty there has been some truth to that -- My fervent prayer throughout this journey has been for God's will, my patience & my life to be a testimony (good one mind you) of Christ & His goodness!  With some of the news I've received in the last month, I began doubting if I would have asked for those things knowing how they would come about.  Fortunately for me, it doesn't stop there -- God is faithful and Praise Him -- He didn't let me sulk too long.  If "blessings" if my life's theme song (you mean not everyone has a theme song? *gasp)  then I am striving to make 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 my mantra -- ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

When I stopped throwing my tantrum, stopped licking my wounds and became totally honest with myself and God I found that my 'wet cat' way of thinking came down to two things. I want to have control and I want to be in control.  Pretty lame, huh?  Yeah, the post-ponement of surgery was a bummer -- It took a lot of planning and physical, emotional & mental  preparedness, but when it all comes down to the nitty-gritty -- I really struggle to hand the reins over to the Father.  Today, I'm at a better peace than I was a week ago, and next week I pray I will be even more at peace with God's timing. Because I know, His timing is perfect and He is faithful to continue the good work He has started within me.  Praise God for the prayers of dear saints on my behalf and encouragement of my dearest friends.  Once again, I am humbled by God's blessings in my life and the faithfulness He shows to me, even when I'm so weak!  May God be praised for the person He is molding me into (only by His grace & mercy)!

--V

Timing is everything

Hi all!  For those of you keeping track, you might surprised to see a post from me so soon, when the big day was scheduled for today.... I say 'was' because due to circumstances beyond my control, surgery has been postponed. I am disapointed and frustrated and feel overwhelmed by the concept of undoing all of my preparations for surgery. But after a long cry and a few rogue tears every now and again I have come to the place of acceptance and I am trusting God's timing is never wrong (even if I doubt to what good purpose an un-needed 'prep' serves :) ) God is faithful and I am grateful that He knows all and desires the best for me, even when it comes through painful detours beyond my understanding or control -- and I greatly appreciate your prayers for my health, the surgery and now, for my attitude and testimony through this hiccup -- and thanks to all of you who have sent messages of love and encouragement!  To God be the glory for the GOOD things He has done and is doing!
--V

Overwhelmed

I've been lax in posting lately.  The irony of my hiatus, being that since my most recent posting life events have continued forth in a direction that will potentially alter my life... forever.
Along with the news of a donor being found and the answered prayer of a transplant, comes a miriad of emotions.  I'm not sure it is possible to fully examie the complexity of my thoughts and emotions in response to God's awesome answer to so many faithful prayers, but one overriding emotion as of late....Overwhelmed.
First I was overwhelmed at the magnitude of the gift I'm being given.  I feel so very inqdequate & undeserving.  When I posted to FB my good news, a well-wisher commented on my deservedness.... If only they knew how very undeserving I am, no amount of "karma", good works, or kindness makes me -- because I don't measure up.  Just like no amount of good works, bills in the offering plate or church attendance makes me worthy or deserving of God's grace and salvation.  So, no, I definitely don't deserve this awesome gift of life through next week's  kidney transplant or my salvation, but I am so eternally grateful that neither one hinge on my "adding up" and instead are only by the grace, mercy and love of another. I am awed and humbled by the magnitude of these self-less acts and forever thankful!
Processing all the emotions I've been having has also been somewhat overwhelming for me, so in an effort to subdue those emotions I sought more constructive activities I could wager some control over -- and again I became overwhelmed.  But in the midst of all this turmoil I continued to try to have my own way.  You know what I found out? In my own strength I'm pretty puny!   At my breaking point, overwhelmed and exhausted -- I had to lay it all down.... my preconceived notions of importance.  i had become so busy hiding my emotions that I had tuned out the precious voice of my Savior, my priorities were way out of whack and it left me disapointed, disheveled and OVERWHELMED! 
I've shifted my priorities... and I'm OVERWHELMED! Overwhelmed by the massive peace God has flooded  my soul with -- like Philippians 4:6-7 says "...and the peace that surpasses ALL understanding..."  There is no other explanation for my peace than that it's God gifted.  How very faithful He is to supply all my needs and wrap me in this all-consuming, mind-blowing calm.  Thank you Lord and thank youdear friends for your continued love and prayers.  I will do my best to keep you posted following T-Day, but until then would you please keep the following in your prayers?

* Donor Family -- for peace, swift recovery and bountiful blessings in their lives
* My Family -- for peace (common theme,  huh?), patience with me & their own strength & health
* The Medical Staff -- that God would go before them and prepare them and guide them in making wise decisions!
* Myself -- as I try to shore up the details before surgery, for good health before (and after) transplant, for wisdom in  decision making and that the medications would not create havoc in  my mind and body

I know it's a long list, but I thank you from the depth of my heart (and soon to be new  "used" kidney) -- May God bless you for your gifts of love and kindness to me!!

 --- V  :)

Big News Part 2

Since I shared my exciting news I've had lots of questions about how things have come to pass and what is going to take place.

I'm excited to share with you how God has had His hand on this entire process, never wavering in His faithfulness to me.  Even though I've questioned his timing, in fact agonized over it at times, He was never early & Never late.

I guess its fair to tell you that this story doesn't just contain me (what I'm not the star?) -- but rather it is made up of 5 other key people.   I've heard the story in part from each person -- so here it is as best I understand it.....
It all started with Bambi, a tree stand, and two best friends....  Well, to be fair, it wasn't really Bambi, but they were best buds, hunting, when they came across my Dad (who was not tree standing nor hugging) & the topic of my health & kidney search came up.   Apparently this topic resonated with the friend & he went home to his wife & spoke with her.  This was in Dec./Jan.
Meanwhile, back in October these same friends' wives have been talking, and once again I become the topic of conversation -- my health and need for a kidney.   Long story short the couple, who have an extrememly strong love for God, began talking, the wife became interested in the process of donation and began the the testing process -- the husband shared that he truly felt a peace about the whole situation when he heard a minister talking about what the world has to say about religion -- the world says that every religion has a form of the Golden Rule, but truly the difference is -- Confucious says "don't do to others what you don't want them to do to you" (paraphrased) & Jesus said "Do to others what you would have them do to you".  He said that is when he felt the prompting of 'do". 

Okay, so, I should tell you that up until this point I am really quite clueless (all blonde jokes & snide remarks, kindly disreguard)... HIPPA (patient privacy) is strictly adhered to and that includes would-be donors.  By February my nephrologist was telling me there was someone being tested, but while I was hopeful, after 10 or 11 potential candidates had failed I didn't allow myself to get overly excited. Okay, back to the story...
So, about 2 weeks ago I received a call from my cousin who told me there was a person who had been tested and was a match, but wanted to meet me.  At this point, my excitement was tempered, I mean, how well do you interview? What do you wear to dinner with a would-be donor?  Should I dress up, dress down?  Would I win them over with my sparkling personality alone or should I try a bolder aproach and let my shirts do the talking. 
Here were my top picks.  *I Use Recycled Products  *God Loves a Cheerful Giver   * Just Do It 
I'm always a little akward in new situations -- this was a new situation, but my cousin and his wife were fantastic, making conversation and the would-be donor and spouse are phenomenal -- I was humbled by their generous offer and Lord willing, if all goes as planned I am sure I will spend many years to come with gratitude towards them and my Lord and Savior for being faithful.  I'm gonna wrap this up, but in an effort to just reinforce the timliness of my God....  I received the call about the transplant nearly 3 months to the day from when I stopped my steroids -- which is the requirement for having a steroid free transplant -- God is just plain AWE-SOME!!!
Would you please keep a few things in your prayers ---
The Donor Family -- pray that they might all have a peace about the process, that all might go well for her and that health would retun quickly and for BLESSINGS on them
My fam -- for peace during this transition and while they have to put up with me :)
For a healthy, working transplant, no rejection, no steroids, God's will and my patience
Thanks to all of you for your continued prayers and support and love, I appreciate it more than you will ever know, I'll keep you posted as best I can :)
--V

Big News

Sing to the LORD a new song;
   sing to the LORD, all the earth.
Sing to the LORD, praise his name;
   proclaim his salvation day after day.
Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad;
   let the sea resound, and all that is in it.
Let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them;
   let all the trees of the forest sing for joy.
(excerpts from Psalm 96)

I'm adding my voice to the chorus of grateful praise -- giving God thanks that He is never early or late, but right on time.  Praise God -- a LIVING DONOR has volunteered to donate a kidney!!!!   Lord willing, by this time next month I will have a "new" used  kidney.   I can't wait to tell you the miraculous way in which God has worked, both in my life and in the life of the donors.  I'll be posting that in my next blog so stay tuned & thanks to all of my friends, family & blog readers who continue to keep me in your prayers -- I appreciate it more than I can express & appreciate you!
love --
V

Beyond Statistics

'I'd rather have it because it lasts longer, statistically speaking'
             
                   For those of you who know me personally, you've probably heard me utter these words in regards to a living donor - transplant.  It's true -- statistically speaking, the odds are far more favorable for living organ transplants as oposed to deceased donor.  I have the numbers memorized.  You might say, I'm a stats junkie. Here are the most recent stats to whirl round my head:

• Five '5 years' - it's the approximate life span of a dialysis patient
• Ten '10 years' - the average life of a deceased donor kidney
• Twenty '20 years' - the average life of a living donor kidney

Its so super easy to get sucked up in the number crunching game that all this can become, but it was in the midst of a quiet moment this last week, when God stripped away every other distraction & pelted me with the calming assurance that He is so much bigger than any statistics.  He was here before the math and He's be here long after.  It's nice to know I can place my assurance in Him...
--V

Lost & Found

I crossed the taped off perimeter today.

You see, though I’ve never boasted of ‘Stepford’-esque  organization skills; the day the dialysis boxes moved in all semblance of order went out the door. Now my bedroom has become my storage room, my storage room is my dialysis room, the living room is my bed room and office.  So, like I said, it was definitely time to dive into the disarray and make sense of my disorder.

The contents of one bag especially captured my interest. I found a long forgotten wireless mouse. I’d purchased it at the same time as my laptop, but never needed it.  Several months ago I had dropped it in the bag so I could give it to a friend who was thinking of purchasing one.  I was excited when I found it today – oh, it was little dirty, but none the worse for wear.  I ran my fingers over the smooth palm rest and the gel finger grips.  I right clicked – I left clicked.   I turned it over…….but wait, no.. where *ugh* is…  To my dismay and irritation I realize that the wireless USB plug-in is missing.  My mouse is no longer ‘nearly new’, now it is just junk..  Obsolete, worthless, dirty, junk.  Instinctively I reach to toss the mouse in the trash – after all, without that piece it won’t function the way it is meant to…

I can’t tell you how many times I have done that…. Lost an earring, throw the other one away, lost a sock, throw the other one away, lost my marbles…. Oh, wait… maybe not

Here’s where I’m going with all of this… I got to thinking… I was once like the mouse without the USB port.  Without Jesus, I was a soul, lost and wandering, without hope and unable to function in the way in which I was truly created to be. 

Jesus uses parables (stories) in the New Testament to illustrate how much He loves us and how much we need Him.

Parable of the lost coin – Luke 15:8-10  “Or suppose a woman has ten silver coins^[a] and loses one. Doesn’t she light a lamp, sweep the house and search carefully until she finds it? ⁹ And when she finds it, she calls her friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin.’ ¹⁰ In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”

Parable of the lost sheep – Luke 15: 4-7 “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? ⁵ And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders ⁶ and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ ⁷ I tell you that in the same  Funway there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

But maybe you’re like the prodigal son (Luke 15:12-32), fun-loving, free-spirited, rebellious, dirty, hungry, lost?  He chased after every passion, sated every hunger of the flesh – but when the money ran out he found out he was just like the mouse without a USB drive – dirty & useless. who found his sheep – the dirtyson went back to his father and asked for his forgiveness…. The lost—was found…  the useless – useful.   And the dirty--- cleansed and redeemed!!!!

Pretty sad story, huh?  Well, yeah, it would be…. But it doesn’t have to end there!  Just like the widow who found her coin and the shepherd

My mouse’s USB drive is intact – how ‘bout yours?

Blessed because....

In an effort to not be perceived as one big whine I've decided to compose a list of the things I have to be thankful for (i.e. my blessings, favorite things, things that make me smile)....







                                                                                             Oh, did you think I was going to share them?


LOL....   My career, co-workers & bosses -- so, so blessed by a job that is not just a job -- but a place for me to have purpose, serve others and work with super-great people who are also my friends!
Transportation --I've yet to have to hitch hike (dog-gone-it I hear that's a great way to meet people) or wear my butt-shaping shoes (my butt's a shape...) -- I am blessed daily by the generosity of the people I work with, friends, and family--HUGE BLESSING!!!
i have a roof over my head, food in my fridge & junk in my trunk... oops!  scratch the last one ;)
I am oh, so thankful for my vision!
Sooooo thankful for my friends who allow me to be me -- and all that entails.
Headache freee days are blissful blessings
I am so very thankful to live in a country where I am free physically & spiritually & I am oh, so very thankful to those men & women who are willing to risk their safety to defend my liberty!!!
Thankful & humbled God's gift of Jesus Christ's death & resurrection covers over a multitude of sins so that I can be presentable before God!!!!!!!
Okay, so this may not compare, but I'm really glad for .....indoor plumbing.
My fuzzy kitty
The sight of frolicking black calves on a green wheat field
The smell fo fresh alfalfa
The taste of really yummy lip gloss :)
Starting a water fight & soaking an unwitting challenger
A night out with the girls
My parents!!!!
A really good beat that makes you wanna dance :)
Sunrises & Sunsets


And finally, some potentially good news I received this week..... There's a potential living donor who is being worked up... YIPEE!! :)
OH & finally finally ;)   I am especially thankful for all the prayers, from friends, families & even those I don't know. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for thinking enough of me to pray for me!!! May God bless each one of you for your kindness :)
--V

A Pain in the _____!!!!

How many times must you hear something before you begin to believe it as truth? Ten times? 8 times?  Maybe 5?  In my case, most recently this week – two times.  Monday I made it a marathon doctor visit day. 

• Nephrologist   check  
• Dialysis Nurse   check  
• Dietician   check 
• Unknown titled expert  check 
• Neurologist  check 
• Unmentionable-ologist   check-check

Yep, as you can see, it was a record breaking day of ‘check’ ups.  With the onset of kidney failure and initiation of dialysis my body (mind & spirit) has begun to protest in most unappreciated ways.  While I’ll spare you the details, my biggest issue at this point is chronic headache.  Notice I said headache as in singular, uno – yep , just one big pain in the, *cough* uh hmm head.

My goal during my medical marathon was to get to the bottom of the pain.  As a side note – I can’t express strongly enough how majorly important it is to be your own advocate!  The only person seriously vested in you is you.  Okay, soapbox aside….  In the first office condolences were expressed when I mentioned my headache.  The unknown specialist questioned if I was depressed – ONE.  At the neurologist, after expressing my frustration, he mentions I seem more “down” than usual – TWO.  Headed home from my doctor visits I mentioned the comments to a friend, laughing off the insinuation that I was depressed, when she says there might be validity to the statements – THREE.

So again I ask – how many times must you hear something before you begin to believe it?  Most recently for me – Three…..

Depressed, me?  Sure I feel like crying, but only when mere tasks of walking and breathing cause flashes of throbbing pain.  And yes, my smile seems to have vanished and my humor has flown the coop. So, yeah, I guess the evidence would point to….

How many times must you hear something to begin to believe it? ONE

ONE phone call broke my reverie tonight. God’s gift of truth to me in the form of ONE dear friend -  He will never leave me or forsake me, He won’t give me more than I can handle, purpose can arise from pain & beauty from the ashes….  ONE that’s all it took.  Yeah, I hit a funk, yes I hate hate hate this headache, but I am not defeated because I am choosing to trust in the ONE true God!

Have you begun to believe lies of doubt & defeat?  May you have a precious person in your life to remind you of God’s promises!  I’m not belittling the enormity of depression & the helplessness it can make you feel, but as I was reminded tonight – My God is mightier than the most significant obstacle in my path.

Deuteronomy 31:8
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

1 Peter 1:7
These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

Psalm 31:7-8

I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
   for you saw my affliction
   and knew the anguish of my soul. ⁸ You have not given me into the hands of the enemy
   but have set my feet in a spacious place.

Psalm 40:2
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

The truth is a powerful thing.  I trust & pray that if you ever find yourself believing the lie that things are hopeless, joyless and useless, that you you will claim these promises of God!

--V

It Stinks: Morning Breath & the pitfalls of self-pity

Though my fingers have been still my mind has been reeling…. Several weeks have lapsed since I last journaled my thoughts and life – as-it-happens.  I’ve been struggling with personal relevance.  In my pursuit to capture educational snippets to share, encourage and enlighten (Lord willing) I’ve come across material that depicts different journey’s and medical processes in exciting and unique venues.  I’ve begun to question what business I have thinking my ramblings worthy of an audience.  So often I find myself throwing my own pity party.  There’s a running joke between a college friend & myself – I throw fantastic parties – its just a shame no one ever shows up… 

Why, is my struggle the exception, why is my pain any more interesting--- and why, when everyone has their own measure of turmoil, grief & stress would they want to read about someone else’s.  Yeah, I know, at about this point I have an amazing violin chorus --- so never fear, at my party-of-one the music’s in full swing & food to eat – cheese is on the menu…

Tonight, my dear friend gave me permission to be honest… I never want to become so wrapped up in myself that I lose sight of my Savior & the gifts He’s allowed me through my brokenness.  So, read on, or don’t – the decision is yours fr the taking.  I’ve taken a step back, examined my expectations, desires and purpose in blogging.  I want to be authentic & take down the mask of my air-brushed persona & allow the glimpse of me…. I’d like to apologize for my morning breath --- but here’s why I won’t… My fervent prayer is that you might find some measure of hope, comfort, encouragement or even just laugh, knowing that there’s someone out here that doesn’t have it all together, but is on a life’s journey to let God piece me together.  It’s not always pretty, but I am confident that ‘He who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion…’. (Philippians 1:6)

Alone with my thoughts        

                                    The SILENCE is deafening

     Where is God?  I thought I knew His voice

                                                                               A still, small voice

                                                                                   darkness of guilt and despair engulfs me

                            

                    Where is God? I thought I knew the way

                                                                                                      A light unto my path 

Hope a distant memory, joy beyond my grasp

         

          Where is God? I thought He had a hold of me

                                                            His Son’s outstretched nail-scarred hands

He never left me, He never tarried 

He shed the light that lit my way

With outstretched arms He offered me solace from the storm

And when the trials became too much

I, in His loving arms was carried

What once was shattered, has been made whole

The Son broke through my darkness

No more silence, only singing

And wells of unending joy spring up within my soul

David, Job, Naomi, Daniel..

They all experienced brokenness.  Add Vanessa to the list

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about brokenness.  Certain life events can act as a catalyst for deep personal introspection.  For me, these moments have been instrumental in shaping my personal relationships and core beliefs.  But each personal journey of insight has been spurred by intense brokenness.

 David’s happened when He was being hunted by Saul, Job, during the time of his personal affliction, Naomi, with the death of her husband  & two sons, Daniel, who was quite literally in a pit, sharing space with a few fierce kitties…. They’d reached an all-time low – God had their attention.

I’m astounded by the mechanism of pain.  It’s a powerful motivatr, and what better source to look to than the Ultimate Healer.

The Acropolis in Athens is at the top of a hill.  First of all, for my fellow Midwesterners let me explain that ‘hill’ is a very poor descriptive term for this elevation of ungodly proportions (okay, perhaps my perception is a bit skewed, but far be it for me to make a mountain out of a mole hill hee hee). But you get the picture, it’s a climb.  It’s steep, and some of the footholds are slippery.  At times my foting was precarious.  Fellow sojourners christened the steps with a swift wallop from their hineys and more than a few had black & blue ‘tatoos’ to remind them of the ‘valley of the gods’.  But my point being – it takes having been in the valley and put forth the effort to truly appreciate the exaltation f the peaks.

If God had allowed me to choose the event to spur my desparate need to cleave myself to Him, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have chosen kidney failure and vision loss from the laundry list of struggles. But even in my wonderings of ‘why this’ & ’why me’ I am reminded that God doesn’t make mistakes.  Why not this & why not me? 

Most recently I am struggling with making time for time with my Heavenly Father.  Busy work days, dialysis prep & the return of my headaches has placed a damper on my enthusiasm for God’s word.  I’m not trying to make excuses, but I guess that’s what I’m doing.  I cringe as I write this.  I wish I could tell you how on fire and enthusiastic I am for the ever-living & precious word of God.  I can’t say that right now, but in my admittance I would also ask for your prayers.  Pray that God would use this time in my life to ignite a rich and fervent fire of passion within my soul.  My desire is to move ever forward in my love and witness for Christ – never growing stagnant.  Maybe you can relate, maybe you can’t.  But I am grateful in knowing that I serve a God that is interested in having that all-out spine-tingling, madly passionate relationship with me – with you.  The knowledge of that is enough to bring me to my knees and pray – Father take my heart, my sould, my life – make it all about You and cnsume my heart with the passion I once knew – ignite within me the first love and make it all about You!  Praise God that through Christ Jesus – I’m not a lost cause!

I love the illustration of God’s unfailing love and patience with us broken creatures in Isaiah 54:10

            Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken…” says the LORD, who has compassion on you. The Newsboy’s set this merciful promise to music, the song ‘Build us Back’ is from their most recent album ‘Born Again’. 

City walls have turned to dust
Broken hands and blistered feet
We walk for miles to find relief

When the thief takes, when our hopes cave
You build us back
You build us back

When the earth shakes, when the world breaks
You build us back
You build us back

We are scared, we are poor
All our safety nets are torn
We've been humbled to our knees
From these ruins, we believe

When the thief takes, when our hopes cave
You build us back
You build us back

When the earth shakes, when the world breaks
You build us back
You build us back

Redeemer, redeem us
Restorer, restore us
Oh build us back
Though the mountains be shaken, the hills be removed
Your unfailing love remains
After all that's been taken, Your promise, still sacred
You build us back with precious stones

http://newsboys.com/v09/radio_standalone.php 

(click on 'Build us Back' -- btw 'Born Again', pretty amazingly relevant too -- Praise God for the blessing of Christian music & the artists who allow God to use them :)

--V  (a work in progress)