Wet Cat Way of Thinking

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know the pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise

                                                         Blessings -- Laura Story

 I love the lyrics of the above song, 'Blessings' by Laura Story.  She talks about the beauty of God's blessings through experiences that feel less than blessed.  A phrase of the song mentions blessings through rain drops.  I've appreciated this song for some weeks, in fact, I've begun to feel like it's the lead song in my life's musical :)  I felt I could appreciate nearly all the song's lyrics with my own life experiences.  But I felt a small sense of dis-loyalty in the phrases dealing with 'doubting' God's goodness.  During the song I would silently denounce that phrase of "faithlessness".  I would never doubt God's goodness.....  Well lately those 'rain drop blessings' have been drowning me.  Instead of feeling grateful for the lessons God must be allowing me to learn, I've felt doubt  -- in the purpose in such disapointment, in God's timing, and in my ability to come through this situation in a manner pleasing to my Jesus.  But most of all I felt like a wet cat -- bewildered, dishevled, offended & cranky!

I've been pretty hesitant to blog since surgery was cancelled, because I have been struggling.  I've joked lately that I've decided I have all the patience I need -- I won't be praying for more, cause I'm not so crazy about the opportunities God is supplying me with to use it.... In all honesty there has been some truth to that -- My fervent prayer throughout this journey has been for God's will, my patience & my life to be a testimony (good one mind you) of Christ & His goodness!  With some of the news I've received in the last month, I began doubting if I would have asked for those things knowing how they would come about.  Fortunately for me, it doesn't stop there -- God is faithful and Praise Him -- He didn't let me sulk too long.  If "blessings" if my life's theme song (you mean not everyone has a theme song? *gasp)  then I am striving to make 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 my mantra -- ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

When I stopped throwing my tantrum, stopped licking my wounds and became totally honest with myself and God I found that my 'wet cat' way of thinking came down to two things. I want to have control and I want to be in control.  Pretty lame, huh?  Yeah, the post-ponement of surgery was a bummer -- It took a lot of planning and physical, emotional & mental  preparedness, but when it all comes down to the nitty-gritty -- I really struggle to hand the reins over to the Father.  Today, I'm at a better peace than I was a week ago, and next week I pray I will be even more at peace with God's timing. Because I know, His timing is perfect and He is faithful to continue the good work He has started within me.  Praise God for the prayers of dear saints on my behalf and encouragement of my dearest friends.  Once again, I am humbled by God's blessings in my life and the faithfulness He shows to me, even when I'm so weak!  May God be praised for the person He is molding me into (only by His grace & mercy)!

--V

Timing is everything

Hi all!  For those of you keeping track, you might surprised to see a post from me so soon, when the big day was scheduled for today.... I say 'was' because due to circumstances beyond my control, surgery has been postponed. I am disapointed and frustrated and feel overwhelmed by the concept of undoing all of my preparations for surgery. But after a long cry and a few rogue tears every now and again I have come to the place of acceptance and I am trusting God's timing is never wrong (even if I doubt to what good purpose an un-needed 'prep' serves :) ) God is faithful and I am grateful that He knows all and desires the best for me, even when it comes through painful detours beyond my understanding or control -- and I greatly appreciate your prayers for my health, the surgery and now, for my attitude and testimony through this hiccup -- and thanks to all of you who have sent messages of love and encouragement!  To God be the glory for the GOOD things He has done and is doing!
--V

Overwhelmed

I've been lax in posting lately.  The irony of my hiatus, being that since my most recent posting life events have continued forth in a direction that will potentially alter my life... forever.
Along with the news of a donor being found and the answered prayer of a transplant, comes a miriad of emotions.  I'm not sure it is possible to fully examie the complexity of my thoughts and emotions in response to God's awesome answer to so many faithful prayers, but one overriding emotion as of late....Overwhelmed.
First I was overwhelmed at the magnitude of the gift I'm being given.  I feel so very inqdequate & undeserving.  When I posted to FB my good news, a well-wisher commented on my deservedness.... If only they knew how very undeserving I am, no amount of "karma", good works, or kindness makes me -- because I don't measure up.  Just like no amount of good works, bills in the offering plate or church attendance makes me worthy or deserving of God's grace and salvation.  So, no, I definitely don't deserve this awesome gift of life through next week's  kidney transplant or my salvation, but I am so eternally grateful that neither one hinge on my "adding up" and instead are only by the grace, mercy and love of another. I am awed and humbled by the magnitude of these self-less acts and forever thankful!
Processing all the emotions I've been having has also been somewhat overwhelming for me, so in an effort to subdue those emotions I sought more constructive activities I could wager some control over -- and again I became overwhelmed.  But in the midst of all this turmoil I continued to try to have my own way.  You know what I found out? In my own strength I'm pretty puny!   At my breaking point, overwhelmed and exhausted -- I had to lay it all down.... my preconceived notions of importance.  i had become so busy hiding my emotions that I had tuned out the precious voice of my Savior, my priorities were way out of whack and it left me disapointed, disheveled and OVERWHELMED! 
I've shifted my priorities... and I'm OVERWHELMED! Overwhelmed by the massive peace God has flooded  my soul with -- like Philippians 4:6-7 says "...and the peace that surpasses ALL understanding..."  There is no other explanation for my peace than that it's God gifted.  How very faithful He is to supply all my needs and wrap me in this all-consuming, mind-blowing calm.  Thank you Lord and thank youdear friends for your continued love and prayers.  I will do my best to keep you posted following T-Day, but until then would you please keep the following in your prayers?

* Donor Family -- for peace, swift recovery and bountiful blessings in their lives
* My Family -- for peace (common theme,  huh?), patience with me & their own strength & health
* The Medical Staff -- that God would go before them and prepare them and guide them in making wise decisions!
* Myself -- as I try to shore up the details before surgery, for good health before (and after) transplant, for wisdom in  decision making and that the medications would not create havoc in  my mind and body

I know it's a long list, but I thank you from the depth of my heart (and soon to be new  "used" kidney) -- May God bless you for your gifts of love and kindness to me!!

 --- V  :)