unexpected turn of events

just an update -- more to follow as I am near internet and knoww more.  Infection has overtaken my dialysis catheter so that it is necessary to have it removed and begin HEMO.  Surgery is Thursday.  Please pray that all will go as God wills and that I would have a peace and attitude of acceptance. thanks in advance and a very happy and blessed New Year to all.  with gratitude, Vanessa

Most years its easy to get swept up in the Christmas rush and euphoria of the Christmas season. But tragedy, loss and sorrow don't take snow days and I find my heart is heavy. But Christmas is the perfect time to be reminded that Christ is our hope in the midst of a sinful and chaotic world. His birth wasn't just a cute Nativity place-setting, but the beginning of a life that would eventually take my place (and yours) by dying on a cross and rising again! Now that is some gift! Merry Christmas!

Update

I thought it was about time I posted an update to my last blog.  I seem to have figured out the culprit of my severe nausea and it has improved nearly 100% -- PTL! 

I also am ultra-thankful to share with you that I have officially been placed on the national transplant wait list!  This is a huge answer to prayer!  I would ask that you would continue to pray that God would supply the right kidney in His timing.

Now that I have the clearance it just a matter of finding a deceased donor match or a living donor interested in paired-organ donation. 

If there is anyone still interested in donation you can get more info and/or start the testing process by talking to the living donor coordinator -- Susan Young, her number is 405-949-3816 or toll free 888-949-3816.

Before I sign off for the night I wanted to mention one other praise/prayer request.  I’ve been having some issues with my dialysis catheter exit site – mainly its just been an irritation, but in the last week its really become tender with other visible signs of concern.  I went in today to have it checked and had it cultured and started an antibiotic.  I think I caught it pretty early – Praise God!  I would appreciate your prayers for my wisdom in taking care of it and that it would heal quickly of all infection.  Thanks for your continued prayers!

--V

The past two weeks have been physically taxing.  At my last dr’s visit several of my labs had shown less-than-favorable levels so some of my medications were increased to compensate for my body’s inability to maintain healthy levels.  My hemoglobin had dropped to 8 and my PTH was skyrocketing.  The med changes seemed like an easy fix… turns out, not so easy.

Along with the med change I made the personal commitment to make a physical effort to get healthier.  I joined a gym and got an accountability partner.  The first day I sat outside the fitness center – I remember seeing a little old lady wrestle with the front door and glibly comment – ‘ Just let me do better than her’.   15 minutes later – that little old lady was kickin’ my behind.

Day two I made it through my circuit, but when I began feeling dizzy I took my blood pressure – the buzzing in my ears was a pretty good indicator that my blood pressure was low, but I wasn’t prepared to see a systolic number of less than 50.  The exercise isn’t the problem, it’s the fluid shifts that threw me off my ‘game’ HA!  This girl doesn’t just glow – I sweat, which results in a loss of fluid I can’t seem to compensate for, especially lately with these new med changes wreaking havoc on my system.

Since my last dr’s visit I’ve lost nearly 15 lbs (most of that fluid).  Nausea seems to be my constant companion, its kinda reminiscent of my hemo days.  I’m experimenting with how I take my meds, how much I take and when I take them.  Its frustrating to feel this way, but I also know that it’s a process.  It reminds me of my early days after transplant – I couldn’t keep much down than either, but with time and patience I figured out what I could tolerate.

Last night I was really discouraged after I tossed my cookies.  But the Lord used this verse to encourage me today -- Psalm 73:26  ‘My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.’  No matter the outcome of my trial & error, the Lord ultimately is in control and He sustains me no matter the circumstances.  I am also so very thankful for the encouragement and prayers of the many friends and family I have.  I am intensely grateful for the faithfulness of God & the faithfulness of the ones who care enough to lift me up to the Great Physician!

~V

Shifting Focus

A blog is an excellent outlet.  I love how it helps me to make sense of my thoughts.  My natural inclination is to ignore or drown out emotion-charged ideas, but blogging is a cheap form of therapy.  It gives me such pleasure as my overwhelming thoughts become words, that become ideas that finally come together to make sense.

I’ve held off blogging because I was waiting for something interesting to write about.  While I love my life and love to write, there are just some things not worth writing about.  I probably could have kept on waiting, but I’ve had this thought that continues to resonate within me.  Its not a new topic, in fact, its one I’m sure I’ve mentioned before – Trust. 

Whom do I put my trust in?  If you were to ask me this I wouldn’t have to think about it, my resounding answer would be ‘Christ’.  In fact, a few weeks ago I nearly blogged about the amazing place I was at in my walk with Christ – Isn’t it so fantastic how good it feels to be in step with Christ – it feels so good to feel good? 

A well-intentioned friend messaged me one night asking me how I was doing – I told them how very content I was waiting on Christ and doing my best to use this unique time in my life to serve Him – this friend asked me if it was difficult to be patient – My response – ‘No’. 

A lot of you know how very long its taken me to get to a point of acceptance and even patience.  There was a time when I nearly swore off the idea of ever asking God for patience, because it seemed He was in the habit of giving me far more opportunities to use it than I cared for.  But in that instant messaging moment I was genuine in my contentment.  Too bad it didn’t last….

Blogging has the distinct advantage of allowing people to see only what you want them to, a window to your ‘edited’ soul.  It would be far more flattering to leave out my struggles, but its like lying about your weight on your driver’s license – it may boost your ego, but really, who are you foolin’?

Two minutes.   That’s the amount of time it to for me to topple from my trust nirvana to wallow in impatience.  One innocent comment made by my IM buddy had me rethinking my lofty proclamations.  Its so utterly revealing how weak I am, when something rocks my focus.  Foundationally I know that God is in control and that He is worthy of my trust, but it all goes back to my desire for control.  I want what I want and I want it now!  There’s a song I loved as a child, sums my feelings up pretty well –

               I can’t wait to have patience,

               because patience is a wonderful thing

               Hurry up, let me have it, gotta get it know

               I want it more than anything

               This has taken long enough, give me some of that patience stuff

               I can’t wait to have patience – hurry up, hurry up, HUR_RY UP!

But God is gracious and thankfully He is patient with me.  He continues to place opportunities in my life for me to flex my faith and to trust Him.  Trusting God isn’t a part time gig --  He is constant, so it stands to reason that  my trust in Him should be constant too.  It’s a work in progress – I struggle with anxiety and I had a major flare up last night.  My exit site is having some problems and all those emotions of last summer’s ordeal overwhelmed me.  My focus shifted from Christ and I wrestled with the possibilities of what could be.  It was only when I placed my focus back on Christ that He calmed my fears.  Trust isn’t ignoring your problems, but rather looking to the one who can solve them.  I am so thankful for promises like Philippians 4:6-7  ‘Be anxious for nothing, but in everything with prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God and the peace that passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.’ And Isaiah 41:10 ‘So do not fear, for I am with you;

    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.’   

If you’re struggling with fear – shift your focus – trust the ONE who is greater than all your fears!

~V

Far be it from me to toot my own horn, but I like to think that I am a person with reasonable intelligence (this statement is not retorical).  This leaves me questioning why I am so very slow to learn certain lessons.

Keeping my High Maintenancity on the Down Low

High Maintenance.

For the life of me I can’t think of a time when the term ‘high maintenance’ was used as a glowing recommendation.  I’d never leap at a chance to buy a house with that moniker (ranch-style money pit, high maintenance time-sucker with 2 br and 1 bath hardly screams –‘buy me’); Nor would I be overly eager to answer an e-harmony post that read ‘ tall, dark and high maintenance’.  Perhaps I’ve an unfair bias to the term, but I tend to distance myself from all things hinting of high maintenance.

So you can imagine my horror, when today while visiting the transplant center I found out that I am viewed by others as *GASP**** H-i-g-h maintenance – well scratch my ears and call me Sparky!  I can’t even begin to tell you what a shock this was….. okay, so, not so shocking. I mean, I do live with myself.  No news flash, but today I saw myself through others’ eyes – highlighting the high maitenancity of Me.

Its concerning to me to think that others, like myself, might be walking around, unaware that they too are high maintenance.  I’ve put together a list of signs and symptoms to look for – they say admittance is the first step……

·        When traveling, a U-Haul trailer is necessary to carry your ‘over-night’ case

·        To avoid such overnight ventures, you rise at 3 AM to arrive on time to an 8 AM appointment.

·        Health questionnaires and doctor interviews resemble open-book tests because you have to refer to your ‘notes’. 

·        Finding an unscarred space on your abdomen (to place a new incision) is termed by the doctors ‘lucky’.

·        Being termed ‘complicated’ multiple times in doctor’s dictation.

·        And finally, and perhaps my favorite way to tell if you’re high maintenance …. When another physician remarks that if they were a primary care doc and saw me come in the front door, they’d walk out the back.

·        Oh, and I suppose if you wanna split hairs -- needing a kidney might fall into the high-maintenance category…..

So, yeah, I admit it, I am a high maintenance kinda gal, but lets keep that between you and me.  If word got out I might have to start meeting my doctors at the emergency exits.