Makin' Plans to Not Plan

What keeps you going?  Routine, responsibility…  For me it’s God, for sure, but with the events of the past few months there have been two things for which I have strived for… receiving my transplant and returning to work.  I took a certain measure of pride in the fact that until recently I had continued to work full time, and I was anxious to return.  And every time my pain was less than tolerable, a dialysis treatment was rough or I spent another long night awake – I would remind myself that this was fleeting and that the transplant was mere weeks away.  Work & Transplant were my own “light at the end of the tunnel” – they were at least, until most recently.

·        I had plans to return to work this week, but during my recovery my position was eliminated.  I’m not sure this has completely sunk in.  I still catch myself thinking in terms of returning.  I am probably in the minority, but I loved my job and the people I was blessed to work with.  For six years that was my “home”.  I always joked that work was my social life and there’s some truth to that – many of my co-workers are my greatest friends.  I already miss them so much and I suppose a lot of my grief over the loss is not being able to see those people on a regular basis.  But I will also miss the purpose I felt – I knew God was using me to show love and comfort to people who were vulnerable and scared – I’ll miss the people most.  In this loss I’ve prayed mostly that I wouldn’t harbor any bitterness or anxiety at trying to find a new job.  My employer has been so good to me for so long and I was very blessed.  Six plus years ago, when I applied with their corporation I didn’t have any plans to actually move or join them.  But God had different plans for me, He placed me there, and opened doors for each new venture.  So I am confident that He again will place me where I can best serve Him and others.

·        ‘As soon as my wound heals I’ll get my kidney’….  That’s what I continually told myself and others.  Last week, I saw my surgeon – He checked my wound & gave me the first measure of good news, it was healing to his satisfaction.  And then he dropped a bomb – because of my previous infections my body has developed many antibodies and the current donor would no longer be a match.  His words were surreal, so calm and matter-of-fact, as if he were discussing the state of the weather, rather than the crushing of my life-saving gift.  Later in the week the transplant nurse called to follow up, reminding me that, ‘its not the end of the world’.  Yeah, she’s right, it’s not the end of the world, but it was the end of that kidney.  So, now I am again without a kidney.  I am still on the deceased donor list and if any persons are interested in donating they will be tested to see if they are a match.  The greater the antibodies the more difficult it is to find a suitable match, but I know that nothing is impossible when Christ is in the mix.  I have to believe that if He wasn’t ready to have me in Heaven when I coded, that He still has plans for me.

It’s amazing how very quickly plao ns change.  I had such big plans for this summer… they’ve all changed.  I’ve stopped imposing my plans on God’s plans for my life.   I definitely don’t understand all the twists and turns this summer has taken, but I am confident that God is in control and has great plans for my life.  How can I not trust that His plans are the best for me, when He knows me, created me and knows the future?   So, now, my plan is to rely on the plans God has for me.  It definitely takes a measure of trust, but there’s no better person to place my trust.  He’s brought me through so much already and not left to fend for myself – and He’s shown me such blessings through it all.  So, while I still have my moments of wishing things were different, I continue to pray that God would use this time and my journey to His glory and that He might be evident through my life – and I eagerly anticipate the ways He will continue to amaze me.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.