Hide & Seek: Finding 'hidden' blessings

I was at dialysis recently, sharing with one of the techs about my donor no longer being match.  I'd had another sleepless night and was feeling very sorry for myself (hard to believe, huh?).  I was hoping for some major sympathy, when she surprised me by saying, "you've had a lot of hidden blessings this summer".  It got me to thinking, it's true, my summer has been far more difficult than I would have desired, but in the midst of the difficulty has been an amazing outpouring of God's mercifulness & AWE-mazing blessings.  I just wanted to share them with you and encourage you to look for your own "hidden" blessings.

·        In June when I didn’t get my transplant, it seemed like a crushing blow, but had I gotten it as planned I would have most certainly lost the kidney or lost my life.  I praise God for allowing this apply timed roadblock, which I just thought was an appy with poor timing.

·        I am thankful for the staff that care for me Mon-Wed-Fri at dialysis, but there are a few instances were they especially acted for my benefit.  In the first few weeks of healing after surgery, one nurse recognized the signs of infection and encouraged me to get it checked out.  And on a very big note, when I stopped breathing and checked out, the staff recognized what my needs and supply life-saving actions.  I am so very thankful for these people care for me, put up with me and make the time go by faster.

·        With my body creating antibodies, it is a blessing that I didn’t receive the kidney, previously intended for me.  Had I received the kidney the antibodies would have most likely attacked and demolished the healthy kidney.  I would be back where I am now and the donor would be without a kidney.  So I feel blessed that God saved me from that bitter disappointment and potential health crisis.

·        My friends and family and the outpouring of love and generosity from them and others that don’t know me – what a blessing.  I am humbled by what awesome friends and family I have – fundraisers, notes of encouragement, care packages, prayers and phone calls – I can’t even begin to express how very full my cup is, I am blessed beyond measure!

·        My parents are amazing – they have put up with me on days when even I don’t want to be with me & they continue to show their love in tangible ways.  On the days I didn’t know how to pray – they prayed with me.  When I was too tired to lean on God’s promises, they read them to me and lifted me up.  When I was unable to sleep because of pain or nightmares, they would stay up with me.  I am so richly blessed by their love and friendship

Truly, God is good, He is my sustainer and even in the mist of dark days He provides blessings!

Makin' Plans to Not Plan

What keeps you going?  Routine, responsibility…  For me it’s God, for sure, but with the events of the past few months there have been two things for which I have strived for… receiving my transplant and returning to work.  I took a certain measure of pride in the fact that until recently I had continued to work full time, and I was anxious to return.  And every time my pain was less than tolerable, a dialysis treatment was rough or I spent another long night awake – I would remind myself that this was fleeting and that the transplant was mere weeks away.  Work & Transplant were my own “light at the end of the tunnel” – they were at least, until most recently.

·        I had plans to return to work this week, but during my recovery my position was eliminated.  I’m not sure this has completely sunk in.  I still catch myself thinking in terms of returning.  I am probably in the minority, but I loved my job and the people I was blessed to work with.  For six years that was my “home”.  I always joked that work was my social life and there’s some truth to that – many of my co-workers are my greatest friends.  I already miss them so much and I suppose a lot of my grief over the loss is not being able to see those people on a regular basis.  But I will also miss the purpose I felt – I knew God was using me to show love and comfort to people who were vulnerable and scared – I’ll miss the people most.  In this loss I’ve prayed mostly that I wouldn’t harbor any bitterness or anxiety at trying to find a new job.  My employer has been so good to me for so long and I was very blessed.  Six plus years ago, when I applied with their corporation I didn’t have any plans to actually move or join them.  But God had different plans for me, He placed me there, and opened doors for each new venture.  So I am confident that He again will place me where I can best serve Him and others.

·        ‘As soon as my wound heals I’ll get my kidney’….  That’s what I continually told myself and others.  Last week, I saw my surgeon – He checked my wound & gave me the first measure of good news, it was healing to his satisfaction.  And then he dropped a bomb – because of my previous infections my body has developed many antibodies and the current donor would no longer be a match.  His words were surreal, so calm and matter-of-fact, as if he were discussing the state of the weather, rather than the crushing of my life-saving gift.  Later in the week the transplant nurse called to follow up, reminding me that, ‘its not the end of the world’.  Yeah, she’s right, it’s not the end of the world, but it was the end of that kidney.  So, now I am again without a kidney.  I am still on the deceased donor list and if any persons are interested in donating they will be tested to see if they are a match.  The greater the antibodies the more difficult it is to find a suitable match, but I know that nothing is impossible when Christ is in the mix.  I have to believe that if He wasn’t ready to have me in Heaven when I coded, that He still has plans for me.

It’s amazing how very quickly plao ns change.  I had such big plans for this summer… they’ve all changed.  I’ve stopped imposing my plans on God’s plans for my life.   I definitely don’t understand all the twists and turns this summer has taken, but I am confident that God is in control and has great plans for my life.  How can I not trust that His plans are the best for me, when He knows me, created me and knows the future?   So, now, my plan is to rely on the plans God has for me.  It definitely takes a measure of trust, but there’s no better person to place my trust.  He’s brought me through so much already and not left to fend for myself – and He’s shown me such blessings through it all.  So, while I still have my moments of wishing things were different, I continue to pray that God would use this time and my journey to His glory and that He might be evident through my life – and I eagerly anticipate the ways He will continue to amaze me.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Month in Review

It's been far too long.... What an unfaithful tomato I've been, neglecting to write for so long.  Usuallly my lapses in posts indicates an inordinate lack of excitement in my life, but Whoa Nellie, that is not the case... The last month has been filled with numerous blessings, but for much of the month those blessings have seemed to pale next to the laundry list of bad news, doctors' appoinments, dialysis and overwhelming anxiety.  It's hard to see the forest through the trees & in the midst of all the happenings I began to feel like Job -- even though I still dressed better (but not by much).  It's been a trying month, and its only now that I'm ready to write about it... 

·       Big Hands, Little Spaces…..

About a week after I returned home from having exploratory surgery I returned to the surgeon.  Nurses caring for me in dialysis were concerned about the incision being infected.  It would be the first of many visits…..  Upon seeing the doctor he concluded that I did indeed have an infection.  My naïve hope was that antibiotics would be sufficient weaponry to fight the infection – oh, no, nothing near so tidy.  Instead the incision was torn open from top to bottom and I was layed open like a Christmas ham.  But unlike the ham, there was nothing deadened during this process.  The physical pain was bad, but the mental images I had of the process made it worse, but I was in for more.  In order to make sure the infection hadn’t compromised the integrity of my muscle layer (this could be detrimental to the underlying structures)  the surgeon had to push around on the inside layer – big hands, small space – I’d rather forget how this felt, but words really can’t describe…

Now I had an open cavity, the staff quickly instructed me on how to pack the space and I high-tailed out of the office in search of a shoulder to cry on and pain pills.  For the next week I had the space packed three times daily. When it was time to return to the surgeon we were pleased with the healing that had taken place – we were, the surgeon was not!  He took one look at the wound and instantly was displeased.  Apparently, the manner of packing had allowed tissue to heal on top, but not at the base of the wound.  This ineffective healing can lead to abscess formation, the surgeon “doc big hands”  took his finger and without so much as a “this might hurt” he ripped open the healed tissue.  ‘Ouch’ doesn’t begin to describe the intense shock wave of pain this sent throughout my body.  Later, my dad said he came close to punching the doc…. It seems barbaric and it was excruciating, but it needed to be done.  But, it was discouraging, yet another set-back when we’d been so sure of the progress…  So again we returned home to pack the wound.  This routine continued for a couple more weeks with good results.  Eventually, while hospitalized I would receive a wound vac and that sped up the healing process, but then that’s a whole ‘nother story….

·       Arresting Developments

Since having my peritoneal catheter removed I have been receiving Hemo Dialysis.  You might remember that I had a brief stint with Hemo in December.  I visit the center 3 times a week for about 3 ½ to 4 hours.  Hemo, though necessary, life-sustaining and all that jazz has not agreed with me this go around.  Nausea, shortness of breath, pain and swelling seem to plague my off days and fatigue is my constant companion.  I dreaded each treatment and eyed the clocked with the intensity I used to eye chocolate.  It was on one such day, mid July that I remember thinking the last hour of treatment was taking FOREVER – I was certain the clock hand was stuck.  I also remember feeling twinges in my chest and shortness of breath, I briefly thought maybe I should tell someone..  I don’t know if I did, but the next recollection I have is waking unable to catch my breath and hearing “analyzing rhythm – non-shockable rhythm”.  In a corner of my mind I knew that was a defibrillator’s mantra and wondered why I was hearing that.  Shortly thereafter my vision cleared enough to see a myriad of medical workers hovering over me and paramedics strapping me to a gurney.  The ride to the hospital was fairly uneventful, medics trying multiple times to establish an IV access and me giving them my medical history.  As best I was able to glean from them, I had stopped breathing and required defibrillation to re-establish a normal heart rhythm.  When I arrived at the ER I again went into an irregular rhythm (of which I converted out of myself) --- the ER doc explained to my parents that he was nearly certain I had been victim of a heart attack.  Time being of the essence I was rushed to the cath lab for an exploration of the vessels of my heart and heart structure.  This test eventually ruled out heart attack and enforced that I have a very healthy heart.  This was an immense relief – doctors finally concluded that “coding” was a result of electrolyte imbalance related to dialysis.  I spent 5 days in ICU while they worked to pull as much fluid off as possible and establish a healthy “dry” weight for me.

My hospital stay was a dark time for me. I couldn’t sleep at night or during the day and quickly my nerves became very raw.  I experienced a lot of anxiety then and even when I went home.  Coding hadn’t been scary during the times of incoherence, but it was the aftermath.  I truly anticipated meeting Christ that evening.  I remember praying He would be with my parents and comfort them and making sure my heart was right with Him.  I had concerns, but such a peace in that moment. 

·       Work Release

My most recent blow was this last week.  I have made it a habit to call my place of work when anything news-worthy has come along.  I was excited to get back to work and was planning to do so in a week and a half.  I still wasn’t quite up-to-snuff, but was working to regain my strength.  I received a call on Tuesday from my boss asking for an update on how I was doing.  I told her I couldn’t make any final say-so’s til I saw my doc, but was anxious to be back in the next couple weeks.  That’s when I got the news that my position had been cut.  If I wanted to come back the company would do there best to find a place for me, but my own job woudn’t be waiting for me… At that moment I thought how very much I could empathize with Job, it felt like the floor dropped out.  I did my best to retain my composure on the phone, but it all fell apart after the call went quiet.  I’ll write more later about this…

·       Whew Doggies – well if you didn’t believe at the beginning, I’m sure you will now agree – A lot has happened in the span of a few weeks.  Along with the events, has come a myriad of emotions, lessons, and blessings, but that, my friends will have to keep until next time.

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
   may the name of the LORD be praised.”  Job 1:21

 “Skin for skin!” Satan replied. “A man will give all he has for his own life. ⁵ But now stretch out your hand and strike his flesh and bones, and he will surely curse you to your face.”

 ⁶ The LORD said to Satan, “V  Joery well, then, he is in your hands; but you must spare his life.”
 ⁷ So Satan went out from the presence of the LORD and afflicted Job with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the crown of his head. ⁸ Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes.
 ⁹ His wife said to him, “Are you still maintaining your integrity? Curse God and die!”
 ¹⁰ He replied, “You are talking like a foolish^[b] woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” Job 2:4-10

Surgery Report, uh, what?

Since my last blog, oodles of experiences have come my way.  My transplant countdown was in place and it was only days from the BIG DAY!  Saturday, I went on a small shopping trip and lunch out with one of my bestest friends (my mom), celebrating the day to come and making an attempt at one last Hurrah for a while.  As the day wore on I began to experience some lower abdominal pain, but thankfully I was in the midst of receiving retail therapy and was able to shrug off the annoyance.  But later that evening it was far less tolerable.  I attributed the discomfort to having missed a dialysis treatment due to power outtages.  I was sure the night's treatment would make me right as rain in the morning.... Wrong, morning just brought more pain.... I had concerns at this point, but was trying to think positively and ignore it.  Fevers, however, aren't as easy to ignore, so later that evening, after being unable to find any comfortable position, I called the doctor.  I won't bore you with all those details, but that itself was quite the task -- when I finished calling, I had talked to three operators, left 1 message for the wrong nurse (i know this b/c the operator called me back) Spoke with one nurse and then ended up talking to my nephrologist and transplant surgeon -- (yep, it does seem like overkill for a stomach ache).  Finally it was decided that I would meet with the surgeon on Monday just to make sure everything was okay for the transplant on Tuesday.  Monday morning we arrived at the hospital at 0730 where I waited to meet the surgeon -- after palpating the lower area of my tummy he sent me for a CT of my abdomen, blood work, and a dialysate sample.  His initial thoughts were that I had peritonitis (infection of the peritoneal cavity resulting from dialysis), or that my initial donor kidney from years ago was infected or appendicitis.  My nurse told me if it turned out to be a hot appendix she would never go to Vegas with me b/c my "luck" was terrible.   After waiting for HOURS -- this is no exaggeration, at 1pm we were still in the waiting room and the nurse finally took pity on poor pitiful me and put us in a room with recliners to continue waiting.  I want to interject at this point a comment that was voiced on at least 2 separate occasions.  The medical professional would look in on me, no interventions having been taken and say "are you still having pain?" -- uh, no, I just like the atmosphere and thought I'd get  a discount room fee for being early..."  YEAH ...   Okay, moving on, the Surgeon came in about 3:30pm, said all test results from the CT were inconclusive and he wanted to operate right away -- within an hours time..... By 7p I was finally down in the Pre-op area and the surgery lasted from 9p - midnight.  They ended up doing an exploratory lap. -- removed my kidney, my peritoneal dialysis catheter and yes, my appendix, which after all the pathology came back, the appendix was the culprit.   Now, after reading all of this you might think this is all a real bummer, you'd be right -- But really, it's another way God has proven His faithfulness and that He desires the best for me even when I don't get His timing.   Right before surgery, when I was clarifying if this would delay the transplant, my doctor explained to me that if I was to have the transplant the next day, with the infection that was brewing within me -- I wouldn't survive... So, in the midst of feeling incredulous that there would be yet another delay, I can appreciate with my whole being how God is carrying me through.  Days earlier my pre-op lab was completely normal -- God allowed stomach pain and a fever to protect my future and my life.  I can deal with delay.  For now, I am working to get used to Hemo Dialysis, it's 3 times a week and the diet is amazingly restrictive, but I thank GOd daily for His gift to me of comfort, peace, my parents and life.... He is in control and even when I feel like I'm back at square one I can't help but marvel at the ways in which He works.

Nearsighted Me, Farsighted He

When I last left you, I was lamenting my drowned cat persona -- It's taken time, tears & lots of prayer, but I feel like I've begun to regroup -- I know I'm a little slow (don't you dare shake your head in agreement!!!)  God has been using this experience to teach me some painful & profound lessons.
    *  When invited to a pity-party -- "you poor thing", "that's sooooo not fair" & "would you like fries with that?"  are always welcome -- practical facts & platitudes are not!   Oh, well that might not really be a profound lesson, but good etiquette is so important!
   * Molding -- nope, I'm not talking about the science experiment in my fridge, but rather the task of being molded.  The Bible describes us as "Jars of Clay", but I was thinking about all the times I've worked with greenware and clay.  Unmolded clay is cold and hard and stubborn.  It's only haver it's been "thrown" and molded that it begins to take on shape and usefulness.  The same is true with Greenware -- it's super fragile and ugly, with rough edges -- it takes careful effort to sand away the rough edges & the piece is only strong because of an intense firing.   -- Hmm, 'thrown', 'firing' -- the words aren't gentle, they imply effort, brokeness -- My prayer through this journey has been for God to use me as a vessel, to share His love and light with those around me -- It wasn't a glib prayer, but in the last weeks I have doubted the sanity of that prayer.  I am that clay, that greenware -- the experiences I am facing, they aren't what I would ask for, but now, I think I can say with complete honesty -- if they are so that I might be molded to the person God desires me to be -- than it is worth it & to God be the glory for using a weak vessel as myself1!!     As a side note -- I recently watched Letters to God -- touched very close to home & I am greatly desirous to be that warrior of God's choosing, however, if post transplant my eyebrows get that bushy, please share your tweezers :) LOL
   * Finally, a friend got me to thinking about the passage in Acts 3 verses 1-10 (for complete passage see below), a lame beggar sits at his pree-mo beggin' spot.  His routine is to beg for his lively-hood near the temple.  While sitting there, he hits up Peter & John for some moo-lah.  Practical, right?  Just another day at the office.... But Peter looks at him and instead of money, he bids him to get up and walk, and then takes his hand to help him up.  I was trying to think what I would have thought about that turn of events.  The biblical accounts records that the man was elated, jumping, praising GOd, but on some level, after the inital excitement wore off -- you think he mighta wished Peter had slipped him a ten-spot?  Walking's great, but 10 sec. earlier he had a cushy desk, er mat job & now he's going to have some work involved....  Leave it to the Lord to see the bigger picture... the lame man, just wanted what he saw as the best he could do, God, through Peter saw an opportunity to give the man the ability to earn for himself.   God has been teaching me how very nearsighted I am in my thinking and desires and is helping to retrain me to a more eternal way of thinking.  Even though it requires work, God's knowledge of the bigger picture really makes Him the better choice for who I'll let rule/lead my life & who I put my trust in -- it's work, but He's right there holding out His hand to help me along the way -- THank the Lord!!!

 One day Peter and John were going up to the temple at the time of prayer—at three in the afternoon. ² Now a man who was lame from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg from those going into the temple courts. ³ When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for money. ⁴ Peter looked straight at him, as did John. Then Peter said, “Look at us!” ⁵ So the man gave them his attention, expecting to get something from them.
 ⁶ Then Peter said, “Silver or gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk.” ⁷ Taking him by the right hand, he helped him up, and instantly the man’s feet and ankles became strong. ⁸ He jumped to his feet and began to walk. Then he went with them into the temple courts, walking and jumping, and praising God. ⁹ When all the people saw him walking and praising God, ¹⁰ they recognized him as the same man who used to sit begging at the temple gate called Beautiful, and they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him.

Wet Cat Way of Thinking

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know the pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise

                                                         Blessings -- Laura Story

 I love the lyrics of the above song, 'Blessings' by Laura Story.  She talks about the beauty of God's blessings through experiences that feel less than blessed.  A phrase of the song mentions blessings through rain drops.  I've appreciated this song for some weeks, in fact, I've begun to feel like it's the lead song in my life's musical :)  I felt I could appreciate nearly all the song's lyrics with my own life experiences.  But I felt a small sense of dis-loyalty in the phrases dealing with 'doubting' God's goodness.  During the song I would silently denounce that phrase of "faithlessness".  I would never doubt God's goodness.....  Well lately those 'rain drop blessings' have been drowning me.  Instead of feeling grateful for the lessons God must be allowing me to learn, I've felt doubt  -- in the purpose in such disapointment, in God's timing, and in my ability to come through this situation in a manner pleasing to my Jesus.  But most of all I felt like a wet cat -- bewildered, dishevled, offended & cranky!

I've been pretty hesitant to blog since surgery was cancelled, because I have been struggling.  I've joked lately that I've decided I have all the patience I need -- I won't be praying for more, cause I'm not so crazy about the opportunities God is supplying me with to use it.... In all honesty there has been some truth to that -- My fervent prayer throughout this journey has been for God's will, my patience & my life to be a testimony (good one mind you) of Christ & His goodness!  With some of the news I've received in the last month, I began doubting if I would have asked for those things knowing how they would come about.  Fortunately for me, it doesn't stop there -- God is faithful and Praise Him -- He didn't let me sulk too long.  If "blessings" if my life's theme song (you mean not everyone has a theme song? *gasp)  then I am striving to make 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 my mantra -- ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

When I stopped throwing my tantrum, stopped licking my wounds and became totally honest with myself and God I found that my 'wet cat' way of thinking came down to two things. I want to have control and I want to be in control.  Pretty lame, huh?  Yeah, the post-ponement of surgery was a bummer -- It took a lot of planning and physical, emotional & mental  preparedness, but when it all comes down to the nitty-gritty -- I really struggle to hand the reins over to the Father.  Today, I'm at a better peace than I was a week ago, and next week I pray I will be even more at peace with God's timing. Because I know, His timing is perfect and He is faithful to continue the good work He has started within me.  Praise God for the prayers of dear saints on my behalf and encouragement of my dearest friends.  Once again, I am humbled by God's blessings in my life and the faithfulness He shows to me, even when I'm so weak!  May God be praised for the person He is molding me into (only by His grace & mercy)!

--V

Timing is everything

Hi all!  For those of you keeping track, you might surprised to see a post from me so soon, when the big day was scheduled for today.... I say 'was' because due to circumstances beyond my control, surgery has been postponed. I am disapointed and frustrated and feel overwhelmed by the concept of undoing all of my preparations for surgery. But after a long cry and a few rogue tears every now and again I have come to the place of acceptance and I am trusting God's timing is never wrong (even if I doubt to what good purpose an un-needed 'prep' serves :) ) God is faithful and I am grateful that He knows all and desires the best for me, even when it comes through painful detours beyond my understanding or control -- and I greatly appreciate your prayers for my health, the surgery and now, for my attitude and testimony through this hiccup -- and thanks to all of you who have sent messages of love and encouragement!  To God be the glory for the GOOD things He has done and is doing!
--V