I had this conversation with a friend last
night pertaining to waiting. I flippantly replied, ‘yeah, with all my
experience waiting you’d think I’d be an expert. I must be a slow learner.’ The
friend’s reply? ‘Oh no Vanessa! You have it all together – slow isn’t an accurate descriptor for you at all.’ Can you believe
how well she knows me? Wait, sorry…. I had my feel-good filter on. Reality
check – here’s actually how well this
friend know me.
Me: ‘…with all my experience…blah, blah,
blah…. I must be a slow learn.”
Friend: ‘Yeah. Or stubborn.’
Slow or stubborn. I’m not sure which moniker
is more attractive, but regardless, I’ve been presented with an opportunity to
once again wait (and maybe disprove these descriptors).
I don’t receive too many verbal threats –
Oh, I’ve dealt with a few school-yard bullies in my day, but usually they did
more pinching and shoving than talking – but they did make an impression (that
munchkin-shaped dent in locker 214…) Overall, I’m pretty adept at ducking
conflict. But there is one verbal threat in particular that leaves me shaking
in my shoes. I was teasing a friend earlier this month when they doubled down
and hurled the following verbal assault my way – “I’m going to ask God to give
you….PATIENCE.”
*Full body quiver* Oh heavens to Betsey
and Lord have mercy – what did I ever do to you?! Think I’m overreacting? I
think not. But just in case, I’ll pray you’ll
have patience with my dramatics.
I last prayed for patience in 2011. I’m
certain of the year, because I had a full on melt-down that only a toddler
deprived of their heart’s desire can rival. I remember feeling quite certain
that God was highly overestimating my ability to rise to the challenge. I’ve
learned my lesson… Now - I’m not claiming to have a firm grasp on this
particular virtue, but I don’t want to be greedy. ;P
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Where, oh, where am I going with this
whiney prelude? Good question.
Without praying for it, God is giving me,
yet another opportunity to display patience. I say display, because He doesn’t just hand out the patience of Job (at
least not in my experience). Instead He allows us opportunities and life
experiences in which to exhibit such virtues. I imagine there was some
character molding and patience gathering in the time between the first and last
chapter in Job. What’s that saying? Experience is the best teacher? Truth. *Sigh*
I met with my Nephrologist and Oncologist
within the last week to review my scans and biopsies. Overall, they were
encouraging and the visits were positive. My PET scan and bone marrow biopsies
were negative – indicating no spread of the PTLD from it’s point of origin.
THANK YOU JESUS! What a remarkable answer to prayer and gift from God! With the
lymphoma cells localized my doctors have recommended conservative treatment measures
at this point. With alterations in my medication regimen and level of immune
suppression the specialists hope to delay or avoid chemo altogether. I’ll
maintain this treatment regimen with frequent lab checks and retest in 4-6
weeks to see if there’s been any change in the PTLD site. Further treatment
will depend on those results – more waiting or more targeted treatment.
All-in-all this is good news. Tremendous
news really – I can revel in hairy legs (further evidence to my single status?!
What?;P) and chemo free days for the present. And yet, while I rejoice in the
gift of good news and a block of doctor-free days on my calendar, I feel a
let-down of sorts. This let-down has everything to do with the frustration of
more questions. One of my specialists told me in no uncertain terms that
finding this lymphoma was a ‘fluke’, because all of the symptoms and pain I’ve
been experiencing are unrelated to the PTLD. Say what? This means that while I
have some answers, I also have more fact-finding in my future. It also means
that I must, once again, wait. Wait –
that’s a terrible four-letter word isn’t it?
A friend of mine hit straight to the heart
of my frustration. ‘You’d rather be doing something.’
Ah, what is it with my friends knowing me so well? He read me like a book. I
want to be rid of this diagnosis. I want to click on expedite and forgo the
wait.
‘Be
joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.’ Romans 12:12
Joy is dandy – I’m a big fan of joy.
Pretty stoked about hope and faithfulness is a quality I fully support. But
there’s that pesky middle phrase… ‘[be] patient in affliction’? I’d be
comfortable omitting the middle phrasing. And yet - *sigh* despite my slow and
stubborn attributes I know the Lord’s timing is far better than my own. I want
to run ahead, conquer and race away victorious (all without literally running,
of course). But God is the ultimate exhibitor of patience – He doesn’t have to
rush, because He sees the whole picture and is ALWAYS right on time.
Reminds me of this time when I was little.
We had this go-cart on the farm that was missing an engine (or is that a
motor…. It was missing it’s get-up and go). In order to drive it beyond its
neutral positioning Dad would hook it behind the 3-wheeler and give us an
amazing thrill ride! That summer day we had friends over. Dad was giving each
of us kids rides, facilitating our inner-speedster, when the oldest of our
bunch took his spot behind the wheel. Wow! He had swagger – no doubt he had it
all figured out. As Dad headed towards the 3-wheeler he hollered back his
reminder to have fun, but under no circumstances was he to try to pass Dad’s
lead vehicle. It’s not too hard to guess what happened. After careening around
the farm yard for a time, our suave speedster grew tired of following and
during a fast turn he cranked his wheel to slingshot around the lead vehicle.
He caught air, gained momentum and then the lead rope caught the tire – his
visions of grandeur and disregard for the urgings to not race ahead of my
father fast became an impressive pebble collection with a bum full of road
rash.
I ached for this kid’s burned behind, but
I also wondered at his foolish disregard of my Dad’s instruction. Ah, me. So
often I am this eager beaver and speed-racer. Throwing caution and promptings
to ‘wait’ to the wind so that I might do what I think is best. It’s momentarily
satisfying, but the repercussions can be as long-lasting and painful as a
debris-encrusted derriere.
I
waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and
heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He
set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in
my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord
and
put their trust in Him.’ Psalm 40:1-3
Tomorrow’s Easter – no matter what seems
big or significant in my life right now, my struggles pale in com* parison to
the act of sacrificial love Christ showed each of us by taking all our guilt
and shame upon His shoulders. Withstanding every torture and disgrace in my
place. A friend said it best – ‘If Christ would do all that for me, how can I
do less than serve Him in what I’m going through.’
So, here I wait. Joyful in hope, fervent in prayer and yes, even endeavoring to be patient in affliction. I want to be purposeful
in this calm and willing to be used no matter the circumstances. I don’t want to be speedy and get ahead of
my Father's wise plans for my life, nor do I want to be a slow learner. With Christ’s
help, I hope to steady on.
‘Even youths grow tired and young men stumble and fall, but
those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings
like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.’
Isaiah 40:30-31
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