Will the real Vanessa please stand up?

A hard look at what’s behind the mask...

Who am I?  Who have I become?  Who do I want to be?  Perhaps, these are all valid questions… I’ve always heard, “you are what you eat” and “show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are”.  Again, clever clichés…   So to sum this all up ….. yeah, I know, shallow questions, empty words. …Empty… that’s how it feels to be numb.  You, see, numbness is one piece of a very intricate mask I’ve been hiding behind.  Numbness softens the blow of undesirable news, it shields fragile pride and bolsters ego.  This defense, my defense, is impervious to pain…  Clever, isn’t it?  There’s only one flaw – a chink in my armor… Numbness dulls life’s many inconveniences, but it also squelches the many joys life offers.

I no longer am satisfied to bury, eat, or otherwise ignore my true feelings.  The cost is too great!

For me to take honest introspection I’ve had to allow the mask to fall away and begin the painful process of stripping away the façade.

I have to be honest, my initial response to this process is to turn away; I am so much more comfortable living half truths – sarcasm, humor, and candy-coating create more “marketable” news and mask my true feelings.

As I write this the first clarity and truth of the situation screams at me…  It sounds so very much like “I”.  I’ve misplaced my focus… Every question, statement and self-pitying sigh has led with “I”. 

The moment I lost my focus, I lost touch with what matters!  I bought the lies – “you have every right to feel sorry for yourself”, “sharing your feelings would only burden others”, “being self-sufficient is a gift you give, asking for help is weak”.  My heart breaks with sorrow and shame…. And the chink in my armor grows to a fault line.  I’ve been asking the wrong questions, but now I ask “Who is the woman GOD wants me to be?  How can God use my life for HIS glory?  How can I serve God with my life?

Praise God for His faithfulness!  In spite of myself He is faithful to draw me back to Himself and minister to my thirsty soul through His Word and the words of His children.

My previous posts have been genuine, I truly believe that I serve a risen Savior, who is the Great Physician and capable of healing me.  My desire has been to use my illness and life experiences to glorify God and encourage others.  I talked a good talk, but I’m realizing how very out-of-shape my walk has been. 

A message series based on putting God first caught my attention recently.  The scripture was from Matthew 6:25-32.  Jesus is questioning why we worry about things that He is so faithful in providing for even the birds off the air (food, clothes, etc…)  The point made was that when we worry we consciously place God in the back seat – letting our pride/ego tell us that we can handle things so much better.  WOW!  This spoke so powerfully to my heart.  By creating my shield of apathy – I was making the conscious decision that I could handle things better – A very, very big mistake and it’s very clear to me how wrong I was. 

Like my physical health, my spiritual health has been suffering, but I am choosing to place God in control of both aspects of my life – and I am striving to do my part to be a good steward of my physical and spiritual health.  Fatigue still clamors for a foothold, but I am claiming Isaiah 40:30-31, (“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall, but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, then will walk and not be faint”)  and trusting God for my endurance.  I am making a conscious effort to spend time reading His word, praying and looking for opportunities to place Him First.

So as I allow God to strip away my puny pretenses of armor, I will take shelter in the protection of His outstretched arms (Psalm 27:5 “For in the day of trouble He will keep me safe in His dwelling; He will hide me in the shelter of His tabernacle and set me high upon a rock..”).

One final thought…  I was reading a (very wise) friend’s blog recently and a snippet of her profile sparked my interest.  She described her life’s mission -- “to seek God with all my heart and find Him….”. God has used those heartfelt words to ignite a similar desire within my own heart.  But did you notice – here’s what God keeps so lovingly (but oh, so persistently) pointing out to me.  To know God comes from seeking – seeking implies an action…  I can no longer be content to rest on my head knowledge, or ride the “high” of a past relationship.  Its all or nothing – Nothing sucks; – literally, its void of the joy that comes from an intimate relationship with Christ.  I’m choosing Him, not blindly, on a tangent or a whim.  Immersing my whole heart into this relationship is scary, but I know that this relationship is worth all I have to give! 

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He will make your paths straight.

Note: I've been undecided about posting this entry from my journal -- Iike spandex, this post shows my flaws in a brutal light.  I'm not proud of my struggles -- my spiritual blunders aren't inspiring, but perhaps, you can relate.  It is my prayer that God will use my experiences and the example of His AWE-Mazing Grace & Mercy & forgiveness to encourage you and hopefully, help you to avoid some of the mistakes I've made.  God Bless You!

--V